A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year now. At the start of the relationship keeping me a secret didn’t bother me much, I really didn’t care. You see, I am 30 years old and I am also a trans-female or transsexual woman, meaning I was born male and have made the social and physiological transition from man to woman at the age of 21. My current boyfriend is my first long-term real relationship. I have been with him for a bit more than a year now and it has been a struggle to say the least. I told him I loved him before he ever told me. We have been through so much. I guess you can say he has been sort of a rock giving the circumstances. Three months after we started dating I was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Instead of abandoning me like I thought he would, he has stood around faithfully. At this point I am not worried at all that he will leave me and I am pretty confident he has never cheated on me so far. He is with me 5 days out of the week; Monday’s, Wednesday’s, Friday’s after his work and every weekend since we met. He has been the only support I had. He helps me do my monthly groceries and we recently bought a puppy together. Before anyone of us knew that I was sick things were better, we would go out to the movies or dinner once and while, times were happier. Now every time he is over he never wants to go out or do anything with me. He says he never has been a relationship with a girl like me, that it is all new to him and that he hates being stared at. He has said he doesn’t want to get into an argument or a fight if we were to go out. I don’t mind the isolation completely, there is always been a part of me that has been distrustful of the world but there is always also has been a part of me that has wanted to be social. I am guessing it is my own fault, once I found out what happened to me I fell into a depression, let myself go and have not been the same since. I am not the person that he was attracted to in the beginning so I kind of feel selfish for expecting or wanting things from him. It would have been nice to meet his parents or his friends. It hurts to know that I am not a complete part of his life when he is my world. I love him and don’t doubt that he loves me but things are so complicated. Neither one of us knows what to do. When I bring up the subject about us, he just blows his top and brushes it off as nothing important. When I do finally get him to talk he tells me he just doesn’t want to see me get hurt. I don’t know what to think, sometimes he does things that show he loves me and other times I feel resented. Any advice?????
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You RCN,
Well put, great advice.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 March 2009):
 Believe me, I know about self esteem issues. I generally work with individuals who have been through substantial amounts of abuse. At no time will I claim breaking through and building your self esteem is easy. I know it's not. Breaking through this tension is needed, so you can be around each other without having so much to say, and no one speaking.
He's with you for you, not because of what others may look like. I've dated a wide variety, different looks, sizes. I would much rather be with someone who was not as attractive, but could have a good conversation, than someone who society considers "hot" but is like talking to a brick wall.
Let me ask you this. You want a good relationship. How can someone else accept you for who you are, if you can't? I know you're going through many challenges, don't allow this tension be unresolved. That's one area you both have control over. Focus on what you can control, not what you cannot. How you two treat each other, and develop your environment together is a choice. You can keep it in fear and anger, or choose to work through what may be difficult to face, but will release much of the stress and tension that is going on now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to RCN:
I am probably not satisfied nor will I ever be satisfied with who I am. Being born female with a male body doesnt necessarily do alot for a girls self esteem. I dont make being a transgendered person he center of my relationship, nor does he. Most of the time its not even talked about, it is such a sensitive sore issue for the both of us that we kind of avoid it. That is probably the problem that we never spoke about it. Things were different however before I started feeling ill. I am not as confident anymore , I kind of feel even more damaged and I think that is all it took to wipe out the rest of my self esteem. I don't even make an attempt to try to look good for him anymore because it never felt like it mattered to him. I know the type of girls he is physically to and I dont measure up , so i fiqure why even try. He says what I look like doesnt matter to him , but apparently it matters enough that it keeps him from wanting to go out with me. I don't know what he feels and/or is thinking, I can't read his mind and frankly I don't have the strength to discuss it anymore because it always ends in an akward argument. I kind of just settled for how things are. I am probably in no position to be demanding.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 March 2009):
So, he knows your trans gender? Are you pre op or post op? I feel that in a sense, you're not satisfied with who you are. You're hiding. He's hiding. Therefore you're both being dishonest with each other and yourself. Now, the world isn't cruel, people are. You have the choice of who you associate with and who you choose not to. You don't need to hide yourself by going out. I've been out my doors, and believe me there are some who if I were to choose to hide, should be the first ones. We live in a diverse society, people are different from others, which doesn't make them any less important.
I know some people judge, but what you need to do is not to judge when they choose to. Be who you are, even when people don't accept it. And your boyfriend needs to do the same. If you're really in love, what others believe should not be an issue, what is, is how a non-issue becomes an issue which then drives a wedge in between the two of you. So opening up and being honest is the first step toward releasing the tension in your home.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You for your advice it is very helpful. I will see how things pan out. I don't know what love is able to conquer ( I use to believe it could get through anything), apparently there are some circumstances that can really test its limits. In the end all I want is to be ultimately happy like everyone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): Wow. I can imagine how much of a strain this must be to you both. It's frustrating because this guy clearly cares for you, yet doesn't have the strength and integrity to let it be known. Obviously the relationship has this double whammy of you being both sick, and a transexual. Those are difficult things to negotiate.
I can't give you any advice as I have never had to deal with these issues, but I admire your strength. Cut your man some slack. It sounds like he is trying to be there for you. Make sure you have enough support from others, so he doesn't feel overwhelmed with responsibility for you. He is not your psychologist, or your doctor. Try to make your relationship about just a relationship, and understand that although you might be in a very serious situation in your life right now, he might yearn for some space occasionally and to just take it easy.
And go out and be social! You know that it will help. Leaning too much on a partner and expecting them to be everything more often than not just freaks them out and ends up driving them away. Exactly what you don't need.
Good luck, sweetie :)
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