A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So thanks so much for all the help with this problem in advance.I have been in a long term relationship of 8 years , like every couple we have our quarrels but we see them through and remain committed to our relationship. However I am starting to think my boyfriend is addicted to sex. When we are together he fidgets when he sits next to me touching me and evading my personal space all the time. He has to touch me and he will not stop fidgeting until he has had some sort of sexual interaction with me.I'm happy with sex maybe three times a week but almost without fail he masturbates to porn every night, sometimes he can orgasm five times a day and most the times it's without me.We have sex and an hour later he wants more.His porn habits are concerning of late , he has being watching I believe the term is "shemales" and speaking of his sexual nature and sorry if this is too much he does like anal for himself, I won't let him do that to me because it doesn't work at all for me.Our sex isn't loving its what he calls "adult play time" he has developed more fetishes recently which worry me such as wanting me to wear latex suits , collars and even nipple clamps and once or twice he has tried to encourage me to let him "rim" me.I worry he is over indulging in porn and I do not feel like he sees me as a life partner more instead as someone he can maybe make submissive.I feel like porn is making him twisted in the head, he's asked me if he could "jerk off" onto my face whilst I have my mouth wide open. He likes to eat *again sorry if this is too much* his own semen and if it gets on me he's happy to lick it off. Is this acceptable behaviour? What help is available for such a disorder? I should add that he is nearly 40 years of age, is that normal ? Should I be concerned? Should I get out?Thanks
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 May 2021):
 Seems like the two of you are not compatible sexually.
Though sex isn't the MOST important thing in a relationship, it's a good area to be compatible in. Which can be hard the longer you are together as we all go through an ebb and flow in our libidos.
You ask, "Is this acceptable behavior?"
Does it matter what I think? No.
Is it acceptable to YOU? THAT is the question.
As for his porn-like attitude to sex, for me, that is just over the top. It might not be for someone else.
What matters, IS IT OK with you? Does it work or not for you? Going forward is THIS what you want as part of your relationship?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2021): Your boyfriend is clearly a very sexual being, that's for sure, but I don't think any of this is a problem. All the acts you've described are a regular part of my sex life and I find them fun and a way of making sex more interesting. I don't want to do all these things every time, but sometimes I do!
I don't watch porn very often at all, so I don't think my brain has been warped by it. I think your boyfriend is fine and he's just into playing and experimenting with sex.
I would have more problem with him pawing at me the whole time. I also like to have sex about 3 times a week and my partner would like to have it once a day, maybe twice. We communicate about it and I've asked him not to keep asking me for sex. If I say I'm not in the mood, then he can go and masturbate. It seems to work out ok. I also make sure I have sex with him more often than I would ordinarily like (4-5 times a week) to meet him part way, but if I'm really not in the mood I won't do it. It was annoying for both of us when he was constantly asking and regularly getting rejected.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 May 2021):
 When it comes to relationships, and especially sex, I hate to use terms like "normal" because everyone is an individual and what is "normal" is one person is not to another.
The crucial factor here is that you are not happy or comfortable with how your boyfriend acts around you. Why are you tolerating being abused in this way? If his behaviour and advances are unwelcome and you have explained as much to him but he continues, then this IS abuse. Like other forms of abuse, he is slowly pushing your boundaries to see what he can get away with.
Is this how you want to spend your life going forward, dreading what he is going to pressure you into next and being mauled by him every opportunity he gets? That is the question you SHOULD be asking yourself. Only YOU can answer it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2021): I think you're right, OP.
It is time to get out of this relationship.
He will not change.
But I am curious. Was he always a sex addict for all of the 8 years you have been together? Why did you stay all that time?
He is way too old to be conducting himself this way. Tell him he needs to see a psychiatrist. His behavior is absolutely abnormal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2021): Typo corrections:
Better said
"They even feel their very presence is what's holding him together; or he'd get even worse without them."
"Any suggestion to get out of a difficult or hurtful-relationship is hard for them to fathom."
"You don't get it, just because you want or crave to have it!"
"God will not change him; but instead, He will remove him! Regardless of how much you still want to keep him!"
"Your post almost says you feel close to being a victim of sexual-perversion."
"Unfortunately, it might be when you're trying to begin a new romance; and that's when that baggage, or old-trauma, floats to the surface."
"You've pretty much defined what a sex-addict is in your post."
P.S.
I apologize for so many errors! It's what happens when you think so much faster than you can type; or type so fast, you'll make too many mistakes!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2021): The question isn't if it's acceptable, but is it acceptable to you?
I like to ask OP's to go back and read their posts to themselves to get a firm realization of what they're going through. Life can seem surreal at times; as if you're in a bad dream. You're just outside of yourself, and it seems as if it's all happening to somebody else. If it was one of your girlfriends this was happening to; you wouldn't hesitate to advise her to dump him! It's you, so that's the last thing you'd want to do!
Our most difficult OP's to get through to are females in their late 30's, and over; who have long-term boyfriends. Suggestions to get out of difficult or hurtful relationships are difficult for them to fathom. They consider their age, and presume it will be difficult to find another man. They're so attached to him, and feel so sorry for him. They even feel they're very presence is what's holding him together; or he'd get even worse without them.
Excuse me, but he's getting even worse right before your very eyes! Now that's a trip!!!
I know, ladies 40+ sometimes believe they are too old to appeal to men their own age; or are under the false-notion that men only want younger-ladies with perky breasts, bubble-butts, and tiny waists. Everybody fantasizes outside of their league! We don't all get what we lust after. He has to look in the mirror. That's what she sees! Money might buy her time, body, and favors; but that's not love. It's human nature to crave the love of a gorgeous imaginary-creature. You don't get it, just because you want or crave to it! Reality is the best teacher I've ever known! Here they/you are, gracefully-aging; and trying your best to hang in there. Trying to hang-on to the kind of guy you're describing. Futilely seeking advice on "how to change him!" You want to love and fix him. To make him what you want him to be.
You can't change that particular guy; so you'll have to find yourself another boyfriend. He will have to seek help of his own volition, when he is good and ready...if that ever happens. You can wait for however long that will take; as your light fades and you get older. You can call-out his flaws and confront him with what you feel he has become; but it still comes-down to him wanting to get help, or to change. Not for you, but for himself.
In this life, your job is to change and improve yourself; it's God's job to change people. He created them, and only He has the power to do it. If you are a believer, you can pray for him. If God thinks it's time for you to shed him; God will not change him...but instead, He will remove him, regardless of how you still want to keep him! You can do bad all by yourself!
God's love and judgement can't be matched. His will cannot be changed. He knows what's best for us. Maybe you're starting to see the light!
I bet you a big bag of cash that he doesn't think he has a problem. He thinks he has a big sexual-appetite; and he's being experimental, and just exploring new things. Never-mind how disgusting or gross it is!
I venture to guess that you're either an unwilling-witness, or his guinea pig.
How does it feel? How long can you bear it? How is it effecting you emotionally and psychologically??? Do you feel yourself changing for the worse because of him? Has he driven you into therapy yet? Hang-on a bit, you're almost there! You will be psychologically-traumatized by this; and may need some help to regain your feeling of comfort and self-awareness. You post almost says you feel close to being a victim of sexual-abuse. Maybe not yet, but sometimes it's just beneath the surface. It may rise to the surface when you least expect it to. Unfortunately, it might be when you're trying to begin a new romance; and that baggage an old-trauma floats to the surface. You'll do your best to suppress it. It will nag at you, and make you feel grossed-out or dirty.
You'll have to suffer a bit; until you come to the final-conclusion that you don't change other people to suit yourself. They have to already be the kind of person you want in your life. They come factory-equipped with all the qualities and character that you want and need in them. When you see a man turning for the worse. It's foolish and self-destructive to remain with him; loving him for what he used to be. Holding-on until he starts to damage you emotionally; while wasting the best years of your life.
Rather than wasting your best years lamenting over what to do about him; it's best to let him go. I know that's the last thing on your mind; because you want advice of where to send him to get fixed. That only leads to the question of, what will you do if he doesn't want to get fixed? You will be miserable, until you do what you already know is best for you. By the time we hit 40, we've got life and experience under out belts. We're at that age we know right from wrong, good from bad, and what wisdom demands from us. Fighting against your better wisdom and prudence ends in pain and sorrow. You're old enough to know this.
You've pretty much defined what a sex-addict is in post. Is that the kind of guy you want to keep in your life? Does he make you feel loved and respected? Is this what your values and morals stand for? Would you marry a man like him?
Girlfriend, these are the best days of your life; and you're wasting your time on him!
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