A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok. so here is my situation.My girlfriend and I have beend dating for a little over a year now, and everything was perfect. We did everything together. She went out of her way to do really good things for me and told me things like I'm the most important person in her life. We enjoy the same things, I have been there for her in hard times and she has been there for me in hard time. We also dreamed about our future together forever.After I graduated college I joined the Navy as an Officer but my contract was ended because of a surplus of people in the position I has applied for. I came home and she was there for me. She called everybody to try to get the issue taken care of but I decided to go the civilian route. I am a Pilot.It has been about 3 months since this has happened. I ended up moving in with her to help her pay the bills because she is still in school. When I was gone she gave me all of her information to her accounts to show that I could trust her. I didn't really put them to use because I did. After I lost my job I was a little insecure about the whole situation and I was hard on her. I would become irritable and she would try very hard to make me happy. We started fighting occasionally because I was acting childish.Recently she has a guy friend who she claims has been a best friend of hers for her entire life. He was in the military to be he lives pretty far away. Before I left for training he, sent her a letter stating that he loved her and all this other stuff about how she is beautifulm as well as this other nonsense. She said she would take care of it and she did because I seen the e-mail she sent back to him. Anyways he apologized and kept calling her and trying to talk to her. Finally she started to return the calls.I know I was very childish because of my insecurities. I'm not insecure about my looks but about her careing for me. So I've been pushy and told her that I didn't want her to talk to him because he was poisenous to our relationship. She said she would and she started to slowly not talk to him. But I still had all of her passwords so I seen that this wasn't the truth.I ended up finding a messege on her phone about her planning a trip to go and visit him where he now currently live. She said she has visited him before and that she has never been attracted to him romantically. We fought pretty hard about her planning a secret trip and she didn't end up going. I then reliazed that I needed to make a move to keep the girl that I love.About 2 weeks ago she told me that she didn't want to be in a relationship one night because we were arguing about this guy again. My fault because I brought it up. She said she was going to spend the weekend with her family. But what she did was send me a text messege saying that she just wanted to be alone with her family and that she wasn't leaving me and that she loves me and she said she is doing this because she wants to help our situation. I ended up finding out that she went to go visit her guy friend during some training he was doing for the weekend. After I confronted her about it she said that they didn't do anything just hung out with a group of friends. I believe her that there wasn't any sex but I'm not sure what is going on. I wanted to leave so bad but I feel like it is my fault that we are having problems because I have been an insecure asshole lately.I try to tell her my feelings and I did and my behavior did a complete 180, I've been doing things that I did when we were very happy together. She says it is a totally platonic relationship. and that she is just trying to be there for him because he doesn't really having anyone else. So she talks to him a lot on the phone (hours at a time, and she doesn't like talking on the phone). He says things all the time flirting with her and I tried to tell her what he is doing and she has said she isnt ready to kick him out of her life totally, and she doesnt believe me that he want more, and she said even if he does she doesn't care anyways.She said she wanted to go on the trip because she needed to get away and I understand because she is in school and we have a dog and it has become very stressful around here. But since she has been back she has been talking to more than usual. She also says that she isn't in love with him romantically unless she is really mad at me and we are fighting over the issue.She says she still loves me and she is trying to keep us together but im making it hard because im my insecurity and controlling attitude. She says she doesn't want to be in a relationship but she wants me to stay with her at her apartment and wait for her. We get mad at eachother and and I'll start freaking out a little bit and she says I just need to relax and that things will be ok between us if I can just do that. She still says she love me and out families still think we are in a relationship. ON her Facebook she used to have it say she was in a relationship with me but when I was pissed I changed mine and now her says she is just in a relationship. She said if I would stop freaking out about things then she would eventually change it back. Now it very hard for me rto figure out what is going on because my mind is wandering around thinking about worst possible case scenario. She says I am the best guy she has ever dated and she still say things about us being together later in life. But I keep pushing and it feels like im ruining everything. One more thing at the beginning of our relationship I wanted to meet all her friends and he was the only one that didn't want to meet me, and he has her convinced that it is because of the past relationships she was in and how awful the guys were, personally I think that is bullshit.Sorry for the long post, and and information or 3rd party feelings and input would be very much appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (20 October 2010):
You need to stop blaming yourself for things. It is not your fault for bringing him up, it is not your fault for being controlling about this guy.
When she started talking to another guy like she did, it emotionally hurt you. When she lied and said it would stop, and then stepped up her relationship with this guy, it did all the same emotional damage to you that cheating would have.
She is cheating. She is using you, and she is treating you unfairly. I know you don't want to leave her for good, but you have to realize that she needs a wake up call if she is ever going to be able to belong to just you.
I suggest you leave. Doesn't have to be forever, but it should be long enough to feel permanent to the both of you (it will help you both deal with emotional issues you may not deal with otherwise). In a healthy relationship, your partner gets final say in how you interact with the opposite sex. If you can't deal with the rules your partner is setting, you shouldn't be dating. But you have absolutely zero right to tell them one thing and do another.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): I don't think your really to one to blame here. Sure you've gotten in fights and your the one who's insucre but she is at fault to. It sounds like she is a bit like me. She probably does like that friend and there really might be something going on, but at the same time she could be telling the truth. I think she thinks with her brain more than her heart, she knows that your the kind of person she wants to end up with in the long run, but at the moment, from what i can tell, I don't think she wants to be with you. Personlly I belive that she's being a little selfish, I think she wants the other guy right now, but she wants to have you on hold so that she can come back to you when she's done. i think you should sit down and decied what you want for yourself, is she worth the amount of time you spend wondering?
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