A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I got back from a 5 day trip to Mexico with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago. I have barely seen or spoken to him. We left after only being officially together for 5 months. The trip was not too much fun. He was pulling away before the trip which I wasn't taking personally because he has never spent that much time with anyone.The problem began when he left me to plan. I have experience going overseas but other than getting his passport he left everything up to me. It was upsetting because I wanted it to be OUR trip. The only thing that was taken care of by him was actually taken care of by his parents (the ride to the airport). That was disaster because his family kept renigging on whether they would provide the transportation.The planning was stressful and left me resentful. After finally crying to him he sort of started to help me plan but then he pulled away and we left for Mexico. On the trip he picked stupid fights with me. He wanted to eat certain foods on the first day of the trip that had a high potential of making him sick (mantazuma's revenge). I had to beg him not to so the whole trip wouldn't be ruined by him on the toilet the whole time.I needed help packing for when we left the resort and while I got ready I'm not quite sure what he was doing but he would throw random things we didn't even need in the bag. We went to a club he loved and I hated but we left early because he made no indication he liked the place. Then on valentine's day the restaurant we went to went really wrong and I almost passed out from dehydration. We had moments of awesome but I guess not enough. One things that did a lot of damage was when he decided to smoke on the first day of the trip after he said he would try not to the whole time. I thought he said, You dont want me to? and I said No. Very seriously and he left the room to smoke. He came back an hour later and said, You really don't love me? My bad hearing had me accidentally answer no when he REALLY asked do you love me. He was heart broken. It was clarified but it took away from the trip.On the way back I gave in and we ate at the place that I thought could make us sick. Sure enough it did and I was ill for up to 6 days after we returned (my cell was dead but my email and house phone were fine) and he made no other effort to see if I was okay. They thought I might have a kidney infection when I told him he sent 1 text in 3 days to my dead phone. I was very hurt. I even found out he was still talking to his old hook-up he said he was going stop talking to.This guy is a wonderful person... but as a boyfriend he kind of fails. After pulling teeth he finally told me he needs space after the trip because he was upset with how it went down. He wants to see me Friday and says he misses me blah blah but I can't help but think "The talk" is going to happen. I am not sure how to salvage anything and if I even want to. Advice please.
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female
reader, scythe  +, writes (28 February 2010):
 Aw, honey. At least you got the answers you needed. I think his honesty is indeed refreshing, as you put it. It could have been so much worse if he just never contacted you again.
Be happy for him, he's got a lot of learning to do. When you feel ready for a new relationship - consider someone who has a similar level of maturity to you.
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys were right. But I do want to emphasize that he really is a great person. He is five years younger than me (I am 25) so inexperience and maturity did make a bad mix in this situation. We sat down and he no BSed me about being overwhelmed with school (undergrad) and work (30 hours a week) thats when he was being the boyfriend I loved so much he was hiding how tired and stressed he was and how much his grades suffered.
He got back from the trip and checked out on me from lack of experience in relationships (this is his first). He didn't know how to confront his feelings on his own let alone to me about needing to end it. He says he loves me and I truly believe him. He was shaking and crying but he honestly said he was in a bad place to be the boyfriend I deserved. It was a refreshing no nonsense confession.
He also suffers from being a people pleaser... he swears to me that he is sick of this behavior and wants to explore what he wants for the first time in his life. He says I helped him see his relationships with other people were one-sided. He was going to change it while we are apart and we were to part for his school sake and his emotional sake.
He still wanted to see me every so often but I respectfully told him that I will not be a part of his life unless I had the title of girlfriend. I agreed to think about meeting up 2 months from now. He said he hopes that when he becomes better more mature and organized person some time in the future he hopes that I would be willing to have him again.
He also expressed deep shame with the way he neglected me for the month. He said I never deserved that and I deserved better. We did the exchange of things, the hugs, the kisses, then the goodbyes. I can't help but feel this was the right thing to do and be happy for him that for the first time I have known him he is doing something for himself even if its not with me.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 February 2010):
I once watched a program about relationships, and a woman on it said one of the best things you can do is go on a holiday together because you soon find out what it's like to live with them. You have found that he doesn't really put much effort into a relationship. I think you have put a lot of effort in, and have got little back really. Perhaps it's best to move on.
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