A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I've been in a relationship for 10 months now with a foreign guy living in my country. At the begining we had an argument regarding his ex-girlfriend living back at his country. They had broken up 3 to 4 months before we started dating and they had been together for 4 years. His ex-girlfriend had sent me emails telling me i was a bitch that went between them, etc etc. But he explained to me that there was nothing going on between them anymore and apparently things had not been clear for her. I believed him because our relationship grew stronger everyday, and he introduced me to all his family and the way he acts like me. I've even developed a good relationship with his parents and brother and sister and they're all hoping I go spend vacations this year back at his country when he goes visiting. Anyways, like 5 months after that I saw an email he had written to his ex-girlfriend telling her that he had talked to her mother and she told him that she was doing fine at school. He also told her that he was going on a work-related trip back to his country and that if she wanted to he would go and take her something from some store i guess she likes and isnt in her city. Also he was telling her that he hoped that she answer her cel phone when he called her. I was intented not to say anything about the email because I found it checking in his browser's history, not because he had given me his password. Well, I couldnt help it and i had to ask him what was all that about. He told me that her father was really sick and since her parents and his were friends he had known about it and he called her mother just to see how things were going, and tried to contact her (his ex-) to give her support and whatever. He admitted that it was stupid and dumb to be so nice to her offering to buy her anything she needed... he apologized. I believed him because I know that he's the kind of person that likes to please everyone and make sure everyone is OK, and i suppose that after 4 years with that person she still will be special or something :S. After that everything has been great. He spent this Xmas with his family in his country and I stayed here with my family. Everything was fine and I never had a doubt about anything even knowing that his ex- lives in the same small town his family does. Now its going to be 2 months that he came back from the holidays, and for the last 2 weeks or less I've noticed that he's been distracted and that he's not been sending me SMS every morning like he always does, or that he's not insisting on me moving in with him... I've noticed that he has not been doing these little and special details that he used to do. I asked if there was something wrong and he told me that he have had a lot of problems at work and maybe that has kept him a little distant. That's when i started with my paranoia and now I worry excesively about what hes doing, or thinking that maybe he doesnt feel good with me anymore and stuff like that. I also asked him and he says that everythings fine with me and that he loves me. I brought up his x-girlfriend issued because 3 days ago I saw and SMS that he had send to her for Xmas (like 2 months ago, when he was back at his country) saying "Merry Christmas Jane. A kiss". And I know its a silly sms, doesnt say much. He also told me that he never saw her while he was there. The thing is that seeing that sms added a bit to my paranoia given the issued we had before related to his ex-girlfriend. I just want to find a way to stop this paranoia and continue as the great couple we are because I feel that if I continue with this actitude I might end up not trusting him for no reason and messing this up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOoook...You're the only one I can tell... since I can't tell how i found out and everyone else I know would probably ask me...What if.. i just found out that my boyfriend was going to ask me to marry him on november....but he didnt? and we're still together??Oh my GOD! My whole body is shaking... first of happiness that he even thought about it well enough to tell someone else... and then... at the same time, I'm wondering what kept him from asking???I know that this is something I should keep to myself and never ask him... ooo HOW DO I DO THAT??
A
female
reader, salvadda  +, writes (27 January 2009):
 You're very welcome and it sounds like you know what you're doing. I will pray for you and I wish you and your b/f the best of luck....*ss*
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey! Thanks for the answer. I did talked with him about those emails. Actually... it wasnt via email... it was trough a social network that we happen both to be in and she sent me private messages. When that "email incident" happened... he explained to me everything that had happened between them, and after that he had to go to his country on a work-related trip and he told me that he had talked to his ex and made everything clear to her in case it wasnt. He told him that he had moved on and that now hes with someone else. The **kiss** part i think is a common thing to say in his country because he even tells that to people at work or any friend like a word to say instead of "bye". And I guess that her parent still get along with him because they've been close friends to his parents...also they know that it was their daughter who broke his heart cheating on him. Besides... the were together for 4 years during which there was a lot of family bonding. I can say it because I still get along pretty well with my ex's parents and we only were together for a year or so. I'm afraid that if I ask him about the SMS he would claim that I dont trust him or something... or what was I doing checking out his cel phone. I know hell tell me that because when I found the email he had written to her he told me something like that... like... why do I have to go and check his email if I really didnt have any doubt or had suspected anything? It was just curiosity... and that curiosity led me to finding out that email. :S
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A
female
reader, salvadda +, writes (27 January 2009):
First off I don't think you're paranoid. The thing about the internet is that it can be a very good tool for secrets etc. If your b/f trusted you I feel he would have had no problem in telling you that he was sending messages to his ex tho I didn't like that *kiss* part. For you to find out on your own is not the way to build up trust. No matter how long it was going on you were bond to find out. An ex is an ex for a reason. Why his ex's parents would still like to have contact with your b/f I don't understand. This is the man that broke their daughter's heart *so to speak* The thing that really bothers me is why and how did she get your email and what she said in the email. You didn't say weather you spoke to your b/f about the email. That is inportant because if he loved you he would not except that behavior from her and make it know to her. It would make him see what kind of a person she is. I say look deeper into this matter. People can have 2 lives on the internet and the internet has made that possible for many people. If you are uncertain there is a reason for it.
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