A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I believe I'm dating an alcoholic. Is there any hope? He's so great when he's sober. We both like to dance and have a few drinks, so for the last 6 months I've been in a bit of denial I guess. Where as I can stop at 3 drinks all night at a night club, he will have 6 and then when we come back to my apt - he will scour the fridge for ANY alcohol I have. Old wine, etc He will drink it by himself at 5AM. The worst part in all this is that he starts to rant. Mostly about social issues - but sometimes he's been mean to me - harshly pointing out my character flaws. I have spoken to him about it. His answer. He doesn't drink every day and if we are just at dinner - sometimes he won't have wineAt all. He's missing my point that it's concerning that once he gets started, he sometimes lacks the "stop" button. His mood switch is also troubling. More than one of his "friends" have said to me "good luck", or "I'mglad you are getting him to calm down " What can I do? Is there hope? I've suggested AA. He says he's not an alcoholic. I've suggested therapy to deal with childhood issues that surface when he's drinking. He says he drinks to "get themOut" - which if I'm around means I'm subjected to the tears or rehashing of events. Please advise.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Just to elaborate on the first response from iamheretohelpyou, you can't help him until he is ready to receive help. He's not there yet because it appears he has not hit bottom.
If he survives the fall, only then will he be receptive to help. For now you must decide if you are willing to be with him on his journey to the bottom.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should be more clear. We are already intimate and exclusive. And I can't really do casual. I'm an all or nothing type person. I don't share someone I'm dating and I know he feels the same. He's been a serial monogamer.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): Don't get too involved with him, keep him at a safe distance for your own sake. This necessarily means, do not get into an intimate relationship with him. A casual non-exclusive one is fine. A friends-only type relationship is betteronce you start making this an exclusive "committed" relationship, then now you will have a stake in how he behaves and how he treats you. If you're just casual friends then if he treats you bad you can just walk away.you can't get someone else to change, and he clearly does not feel he even needs to change so I am very sure he is not going to. And that any attempts on your part to change him is going to result in him becoming belligerant because let's face it, most people do not like being told they need to change and will dig in their heels even more.maybe you can video record him when he's drunk and going on his tirades. Then, when he is sober, show it to him, let him see for himself how ugly he is when he's drunk. That might create a spark in him to want to change. But this may not happen immediately. It's just as likely that his first reaction is to get angry at you but who knows, a few years from now he might then decide he wants to change and he might trace it back to this instance. All I'm saying is : you cannot make someone else change, if they don't want to change. He doesn't, so there's nothing you can do about it except to put up boundaries around yourself to protect yourself while he stays the same. Putting up boundaries necessarily means not getting close to him, which means the relationship should be only casual.
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female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (30 August 2013):
 Im not a alcoholic but I was raised by on my mom then I married on no lie true story. So tell Aaron to get aa help a meeting is good for support. I was at war with two mean violent drunken individuals if thats the case for you leave.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): May be he is not an alcoholic yet but he deffinitely has drinking problems. Actually one of the characteristics of alcoholism that they can't stop. The fact that he is not drinking at dinner can be because he knows himself and doesn't want to start as he knows how it goes with him. I can get drunk sometimes too, everyone does from now and then, well, almost everyone. I went a little over board few months ago on my birthday. But that happens like couple times a year. Most of the time I know exactly how I feel and know when to stop. I can have one glass of wine with dinner but that would be it. And my friends also like that. No one gets drunk. But there is a girl that sometimes goes out with us, and she gets drunk everytime we go out and like your boyfriend gets mean and tells everyone nasty things. We don't invite her anymore. I don't think there is anything you can do. Living with an alcoholic is very hard, my aunt lived with one and it was terrible for her and kids until he died and she could breath freely after that.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 August 2013):
 There's not much you can do, except for take care of yourself. Definitely go to an Al-Anon meeting, it will help you put things in perspective.
I had an alcoholic friend. Stress 'HAD.' She died due to her disease. She was lovely, had a loving husband, lots of friends, and nothing on earth seemed to get her to accept help. So so frustrating. That's when I learned the hard way that "love conquers all" is a big fat lie.
I think I would back away from this particular guy, especially if he's a nasty drunk. Unless he thinks he has a problem and gets help, there's not much of a happy future there for you two. Sorry.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (29 August 2013):
 I have someone in my life that has had the same pattern as your boyfriend; drinking doesn't help them 'tap into' their childhood trauma, it just enhances the pain of it; the real problem is they have not resolved the underlying issues; it is suppressed while sober, and when inebriated, it is magnified. He is telling you he uses alcohol as a therapeutic aid through psychological stress.
Instead of putting labels on it, try to tell him how it affects you and your relationship, host an intervention with family and friends, but really, it isn't until a person reaches rockbottom or has a revelation about what they're doing to themselves that they actually get help. We are not enough. You need to establish your own boundaries, share with him, and if he crosses such a line, you leave. You could have it as serious as, if you drink around me, I'm done.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 August 2013):
 he's in denial.
my husband is an alcoholic and he can go days without drinking... but when he drinks... it's all or nothing... that is the mark of alcoholism... they are powerless over it.
until an addict or alcoholic wants to fix it, there is NOTHING we can do as their partners.
I suggest you go to some Al-Anon meetings to see what those of us who live with them deal with.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 August 2013):
 you can't "help" him... he must help himself. You CAN support him... but that means staying away from him until and unless he faces this demon and vanquishes it from his life...
Good luck..
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female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (29 August 2013):
 I wouldn't call him an alcoholic just yet. Alcoholics and people who are alcohol-dependent are PHYSICALLY dependent on the substance. They spend a disproportionate number of hours inebriated, and to suddenly stop drinking would cause moderate to severe withdrawal symptoms.
This is different than alcohol-abuse. Of course alcohol-dependence and alcohol-abuse can be coexisting behaviors, but alcohol-abuse can also happen on its own. A good example of alcohol-abuse existing on its own is a college freshman who binge drinks to the point of blacking out every weekend but doesn't touch alcohol during the week.
Both kinds behaviors are dangerous and need to be addressed. Your boyfriend's alcohol-abuse can easily become alcohol-dependence if he doesn't address the emotional issue that is motivating the ineffective behavior.
You've already suggested to him that he may have a problem and you've already suggested that he see a professional. There isn't much more that you can do beyond that, especially if your relationship is still pretty new. Leaving him may give him a clue or nudge him in the right direction, as will the intervention of his family and close friends, but it will ultimately have to be his own self-awareness that leads to better behavior.
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