A
male
age
51-59,
*oubtingalot
writes:This will be a long question, thanks to anybody who reads it and tries to help me!I have been dating my girlfriend for about two and half years. We're both strong-willed people but I guess she's probably a little more hard-headed than I am. We both lied a lot in our marriages because we had to in order to avoid problems with our ex-spouses (i.e., saying I was working late while I was really having a drink at happy hour to avoid catching grief from my ex-wife; her saying she couldn't take calls at work so that she could go out for lunch uninterrupted by her ex's cell phone calls to check up on her, etc.). We have agreed that we never want that type of relationship again and have vowed complete and open honesty with each other, even if it's uncomfortable. As our relationship evolved, and probably to test my commitment to our agreement, we developed habits mostly generated by her such as: We always text each other to say what we're doing (i.e., "I'm leaving the office babe, going to go for a run," or "Just got home, going to take a nap."). Basically, we always know exactly where the other is and what they're doing. We also had a "two hour rule" in which we agreed that we would never go more than two hours without texting or calling. In reality, for the last few years now, we haven't even gone more than hour without texting or calling unless we're together or something really keeps us from doing it (a long work meeting) in which case we usually warn each other we'll be quiet for a while.Anyway, although these habits were started by her, I have grown to like them. It's nice to know that no matter what either of us is doing during the day I know where she is and who she is with and I love that she wants to know the same stuff about me. It makes me feel close.Here's the problem: I don't think she's completely honest about it.Before I tell you why, I have to digress: In the last few years our strong personalities have had many conflicts. Our fights usually start because one of us feels disrespected about something (a problem leftover from both of our prior marriages, I'm sure). And when a fight starts, it usually has to get worse before it gets better. One of those things that has gotten us in fights is her high-school sweetheart who lives in another state and she has kept in touch with over the last 20 years. He divorced about the same time she did and tried to convince her they should rekindle. She did not, but has still kept in touch and he occasionally texts her, even in the middle of the night. Another issue is a good friend of hers that is lesbian and is always flirting with her. I think she likes the attention but I don't think she's interested in anything "inappropriate" with either of them.Fast forward back to now and why I think she's being dishonest...A couple months ago we were fighting about something one night and her high school boyfriend texted her. She immediately turned the phone away and tried to hide that from me but I saw it. She said she "knew" I would get mad if I saw that he texted while we were already fighting and was trying to avoid more drama. I don't think there was any substance to the text but that bugged me. Then, I recently realized over the last couple of months that I hadn't seen his name pop up on her phone in a long time (we don't hide our phones, we both know each other's passcodes, but I never look at her texts, I just know I've seen his name pop up a lot). Anyway, I got suspicious about that and realized I have being seeing a female name I'm unfamiliar with pop up a lot. So, because we both know each other's passwords, I looked in her phone and sure enough, she has changed the contact name to a female name but it's still the old boyfriend's number.On top of that, I have had a friend tell me he has seen her out at a particular bar (the bar area at a restaurant) during lunch time having a drink with the lesbian girl (she did not see my friend either time). Of course, she never told me she was going to this place or meeting with the lesbian girl either time.I'm horribly disappointed and don't know what to do or think. I haven't confronted her with either issue because I think we'll end up fighting and she will accuse me of being controlling or something (because that's how her ex was). I really do not think anything "inappropriate" is going on, I honestly feel like she is just thinking she is avoiding unnecessary fights with me by hiding these things. However, that is exactly what we agreed we wanted to avoid by being "totally open and honest" with each other from the beginning. I actually feel kind of like she has betrayed me now. I don't know what to do. Do I ignore it and not worry about it, which is hard to do, under the belief that it's okay? Do I confront her and risk a huge fight about the exact issue that ultimately led to her divorce (her ex husband ALWAYS checked up on her, got mad if she was going out with friends, etc.)? Do I let myself put up a guard and just see what happens, knowing that this is making me somewhat resentful and less close to her? Or do I do what my gut is telling me to do right now, just distance myself emotionally and ultimately move on? We don't live together because we have kids. Breaking up will crush me but I don't know that I can tolerate this. Am I overreacting and being unrealistic?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013): Sorry I agree with Sage....anytime yo set up a relationship to "check in" so as to not think they are cheating or lying or being deceitful...you have already set up this relationship as mistrustful. You WERE by your words previously liars deceitful and/or cheats.... So why so offended by Sage ...he pointed out something that hit a nerve...that's good rethink your approach...and yes she's hood winking you, old behaviors die hard...
Ever heard the best way to predict the future is by looking at the past.....
Dont misunderstand people can and do change ...but in this case it seems she did not. I am sorry. Please keep us posted on the outcome.
A
male
reader, doubtingalot +, writes (29 August 2013):
doubtingalot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Rainbowponies and anonymous: Thank you both for the input and suggestions, very helpful. I think I will try a combination of what you two have suggested (I want to ask her if I've given her reason to feel like she has to hide anything, I like that suggestion, but I don't want to not tell her why I'm asking). I'll let you know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): Ask her if you have ever given her reason to feel like she can't be open and honest with you without letting on that you know she's lied. If she says yes, then ask her what you can do differently.
If she says no, then ask her if she's sure. Insist that you really want to improve your relationship and encourage openness and trust. That you don't care about any lies in the past that were told to avoid trouble. Again don't mention what you know. If she insists there's nothing you can do then you call it a day because she's not trustworthy.
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A
male
reader, doubtingalot +, writes (29 August 2013):
doubtingalot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCMMP: The problem is that I like the agreement, it's sort of "who we are" but these recent discoveries now have me distrusting her. But your point is well-taken, I guess "who we are" has changed and I can change that and stay with her or not.
Sageoldguy1465: You're wrong.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 August 2013):
 Let me restate your "question" as I see it:
"Me and my G/F started out being together when we were being unfaithful to spouses/partners that we already had. i.e. We are cheaters. Since we have been together, and since we know how miscreants like us do our cheating and deceive our partners, we set about making an arrangement in which neither of us could hoodwink the other about our indiscretions. Now, I think that she out-hoodwinked me... and is cheating upon me... in spite of all the pratfalls that we put in-place to keep one-another from cheating on the other.... Is it OK to distrust her???"
Yes.
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Rainbowponies  +, writes (29 August 2013):
It's always better to talk things through, even if it's difficult. Problems don't go away unless you talk about them. You don't have to "confront" her or "accuse" her of anything. You could just comment that you've noticed that her ex isn't texting her so much anymore and admit you are made uncomfortable by this (without mentioning that you went through her phone)or you could tell her that your friend has seen her with the girl who likes her. Talk about it calmly and explain how it makes you uncomfortable that she might be lying to you and you would rather she were honest even if it's hard. If she makes you happy it's worth talking about it before you decide to split. The conversation may end in you going your separate ways or you may resolve your problems but talking openly about things is important. Maybe there's an innocent explanation for her behaviour. I don't want to dismiss your gut instinct though because my ex made me feel like I was being crazy and jealous about a girl who was friends with him and I found out later that he'd been cheating. I had no proof I just knew something was wrong so sometimes instinct is important. If you still feel like she's lying when you talk to her you may want to move on.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 August 2013):
I don't think you're overreacting but with this arrangement complications were bound to happen. Why don't you accept the fact that people need a little privacy and cease this untrusting agreement you have.
Tell her that you don't want to fight about the details of it, but you know she had been hiding things from you and you'd rather have a slightly more private life so you don't feel like you're being lied to. Make it clear that you know nothing bad is happening, but that you don't think the agreement is working out.
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