A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for the past 14 years. We were both 19, pregnant, and pressured into this marriage. Not an excuse, just a back story. Now I am having several thoughts of leaving my wife. I have had a couple of little flings in the past three years, not proud, but interested in the fact that my level of remorse or guilt is very minimal. I have not fallen in love with any of them, not fantasized that I would live the rest of my life with them, just flings. I have to question why I stay when my wife is very degrading, controlling, and demeaning toward me. We fight very often, and I know that the kids over hear the yelling. She is a superb, superb mother. And lastly, I have spent almost half my life with her, and seriously have a love for her, more sister type now, but love. This makes it so difficult for me to focus on the real problem at hand, I don't want to even work on my relationship.I'm not looking for answers, just views from both sides of the fence. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (23 August 2008):
 I agree with Country woman - despite not feeling like you want to work on the marriage - you really should consider seeing a counsellor either yourself, or with your wife. It sounds like you are fairly certain you no longer want to be in the marriage - but you need to be sure. You also need to try and work through ending a long term relationship in the best way possible - if that's the way you go.
I think you really need to be sitting down with your wife and be honest about how you're feeling. You obviously care about her - and she deserves to know what's going on. That way - the two of you can work out what to do from here. None of this is easy - but the status quo is no good - you need to bring all this to a head for everyone's sake.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (23 August 2008):
 You have had sound opinions from both hlskitten and ChiRaven and both male and female perspectives.
I was in a long term relationship and found out that my now ex had been cheating after our daughter was born. Children put an awful amount of pressure on a relationship and if that is all you have known for a very long time you never actually had the chance of just enjoying each other's company as just a couple.
When someone looks elsewhere it is normally because there are problems at home and unless you address them together it will never change.
I must admit I would guess that your wife has an inkling that things are not good but we often get settled into a rut where relationships are concerned.
I think counselling for both of you would be good as it would mean that you can talk through the problems in your marriage and may make the split much more amicable and that would be fairer for the children and both of you. When you feel like a sibling rather than a lover in your marriage the alarm bells are ringing loudly. Maybe suggest counselling to your wife and if she refuses then you know that there is nothing else you can do. At least if you get in counselling you will have addressed issues that could potentially come up in a divorce case. It may make things go a little smoother if you get the counselling first.
Your children are far from stupid and they pick up on atmospheres in the home and having 2 happier parents is much better than 2 miserable and unhappy ones who stay together just for the sake of the children or for monetary reasons.
My daughter is well adjusted to my situation now and she is 7 and she sees her father every other weekend as he lives a couple of hours away from where we live but I still work with my ex in our own business and we on the whole are very amicable, there are the odd days that aren't but even siblings argue. He is my best friend and we have been through so much but I know he is there for me when I need him and the same for him from me.
You and your wife have shared so much and that will never change but being happy in life is so important to so don't forget that we are only here once and if your wife demeans you as a man then what is the point of staying eh!
Take care and keep us posted on how you get on.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (23 August 2008):
 You did what was expected of you and married your pregnant girlfriend and have lasted 14 years. You deserve some happiness too and if you are having flings and not feeling guilty then it is time to get out as you obviously dont love her enough not to do this. I too had an affair towards the end of my last marriage and felt no remorse at all as I didnt love him, thats when I realised it was time to move on and also ended the fling as he wasnt the man for me, just a distraction from the physical abuse I received.
The kids will survive this and it is better to have two parents apart rather than overhear all the yelling etc, just try and make it amicable for their sake, I managed it, its very hard but not impossible.
I wish you luck for the future x
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (23 August 2008):
 What are you still doing there? You are not doing yourself, her, or your kids any good by keeping that marriage going. You two need to agree on an amicable way to end it, and just move on.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (23 August 2008):
 Sounds like its pretty done and dusted from your side doesn't it. Wonder if your misses feels similar? She doesn't sound too happy just from what you say.
Lifes a bit short to not make the most of it, and if you only love her like a sister, thats not going to be enough is it.
Ive been where you're at a few yrs ago (but i didn't have affairs) and once it was sorted, we could all get on with our lives, and he is happy settled with someone for the last few yrs now, so alls well that ends well.
I saw a counsellor for a few months prior to ending the long term relationship, to make sure it was what i wanted and to make sure i would get it right where the children were concerned.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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