A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, please can you help me, sorry about the long letter. This is the first time I am telling anyone about this. Ok, so I come from a background where my parents had a very volatile and unstable relationship, growing up in my house hold was terrible. Anyway I still managed to successfully complete my masters degree, I have lived abroad in many amazing countries for long periods of time and I have friends all over the world. A few years ago I got involved with a man that was double my age, I feel I was looking for a father. Anyhow this man abused me unforgivably for many years. I finally managed to leave him. For many years I stayed single afer that. I am asked out on dates many times by handsome, educated, rich, young, successful men but I keep turning them down now because my self esteem has taken such a battering from my ex that I feel I don't deserve a good man anymore. Now I am 32 years old.Anyway at the moment I am seeing this guy,he is 34 years old to put it frankly, he is hardly a winner and he treats me so badly. First of all he hasn't worked in over two years, he is happy to sign on benefits and live off the welfare system forever. All he ever does is try his upmost hardest to put me down. I work in construction, male dominated industry and I have many admirers at work, they always ask me out on dates. Of course my self esteem is so low that I think I don't deserve to go on a date with them. Anyway all he ever does, it tell me how attractive other women are and he never ever told me once that I am attractive. He says I am fat, when I am a size 10. My work mate sent me a text and said I remind him of Ronnie from easterners, he read it and said to me, no chance, Ronnie is attractive you look nothing like her. Then I pointed out a woman on television and said, I look like her, to which he replied, yeah, you do, how ugly is she..Once we were out and a group of women kept looking at me and they came up to me and gave me a leaflet and said have I ever thought of becoming a model. When they walked away, he snorted and said I can't believe they said that to you, you have to be attractive, tall, slender and fair skinned to be a model, how could you ever be a model, you wish.He keeps pressuring me to purchase a council place and do fraud and say that I live alone and he will live with me. He is also bankrupt by the way. He also keeps saying that his friend is so lucky, his girlfriend has given him a credit card to max out when ever he feels like it. He tells me he likes very tall women, I am 5ft 4in, he tells me he likes very fair skinned women, I am olive skinned, he tells me he likes boyish figures, I have an hour glass figure, he tells me he likes very long hair, I have a bob cut. When ever he sees a woman on television or on the street he tells me I can't believe how beautiful she is and then tells me to look at her and says how comes some women are so incredibly gorgeous and some women are just plain ugly and then he looks at me.I spoke to him once about how I felt, actually a few times that when he goes on about other women it makes me feel hurt, to which he replied, I'm not going to lie to myself, if I see a woman that I find sexually attractive, why should I lie. This is just in a nut shell. I still stay with him because I think no one else will want me, even though they ask me out, I think once they get to know about my emotional baggage from the past they will leave me.I'm so hurt, he says I'm lucky to have him and he said he stays with me because looks aren't everything, he keeps saying even though you're not attractive at all, I will still have you and I will still love you. I have only told you the tip of the ice berg, please help me.Thank youSonia
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at work, bankrupt, my ex, period, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Sweetie, when someone does not treat you right, you MUST love yourself MORE than him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear male reader, thank you for reading my long letter and replying, I really appreciate it. It's so true what you said about picking those partners that have the same characteristics as those that abused us in the past,very true. It's also very true about when I meet wonderful gentleman that cherise me I can never stay in the relationship long, no more than a week tops, because I can't handle being treated so nicely (if that makes sense) and I always do self sabotage the relationship. But when I'm with a dumb looser than I stay put and continue to be treated like hell, even though I hate it. I really need to go back to therapy, maybe I will look for a specialist that deals with low self esteem rather than therapists in general. Once again thank you so much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear RedAnthena, thank you for your current response. You are totally right, being alone is better than being with someone that constantly hurts you. Ive decided to not contact him, this is the second day I haven't contacted him, I hope I can keep it up!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2011): sound like you had a Very Traumatic child hood growing up. what was Traumatic growing up as a child we repeat that in are adult relationship.magically the abusive people in are child hood have the same characteristics as are partner. Think you need to get therapy to get over Traumatic child hood so you can stop repeating those traumatic childhood experiences with the partners you pick. so you can rebuild your self-esteem. When you do find a great guy which I'm sure you will try not to self sabotage the relationship. Best Wishes ps hour glass figure are Hot
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (25 July 2011):
You might be suprised how much your self esteem IS raised when you do something good for yourself.
Being alone is MUCH better than being with someone who hurts you.
I asked myself...am I better off with or without him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo all my beautiful ladies, thank you so much for all your answers. To be honest, I wasn't expecting any replies at all, I feel inaundated by all the warm responses I have received. Thank you for taking the time to read my long letter and taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it.
I did try counselling many times but I felt it never really helped. I always felt the counsellor's couldn't understand. I think all this low self esteem comes from the older man I was with. He abused me psychologically, mentally, verbally, emotionally, sexually and financially(and he was the first man I ever slept with).
Even though I know deep down inside that this current boyfriend is no good for me, I can't help but think no one else will want me, ever again, I feel like this is my last chance with anyone.
I haven't contacted him today at all and I really don't want too. I don't know what else to do to raise my self esteem.....
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A
female
reader, michelle101  +, writes (24 July 2011):
Sweetheart don't u get it? he is very insecure that u'l find sum1 better than him thats y hes doing this purposely to create inferiority complex so that u wont leave him n go 2 sum1 else. Run very far away from this guy bcuz hes very manipulative and is playing dirty games wid u...All d best!!
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A
female
reader, Celest  +, writes (24 July 2011):
 I was thinking of you... of your story... almost the whole night... I can sense that you are a very good person, an angel, I should say, this is why that is happening to you!!! Angels often being victims of an abusive situation because still can have tolerance, still can feel love, still can find ecxuses... the thing is that I got upset and I forgot to mention that you should ask for some help from a therapist or someone. Thank God, the other cupid friends did that. I 'll keep praying for you... Getting away with it all messed up!!! Wish you all the best!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): Hey, your question was hard for me to read because I've been there myself...but, I finally decided that enough was enough and that I needed to give myself a chance of being happy. So, I split up with my bf, and went to see my GP to ask for help with my self-esteem issues. I got referred first to a counsellor, then to a therapist who helped me look at where my self-esteem issues came from in the first place (also from a bad childhood) and how to change how I think. And now? Well, I'm with a man who treats me so well! And although I still have moments of low self-esteem and feeling like I am not worthy, on the whole, I feel much better. You have to be strong and make a change. You won't regret it :)
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A
female
reader, Celest +, writes (24 July 2011):
Go away immediatly young lady... as fast as you can!!!! I can see very clearly why you re doing that to yourself because... it is the devil you know... it is familiar for you to be in a position like this.Nevertheless you are enpowered to choose how you will be treated..and so you did but it is not good enough for you... NOT ANYMORE... make up your mind... RIGHT NOW!!! .
Love yourself, respect yourself and learn how to be you... a beloved and a happy person, that really deserve all the love in the whole world. You really deserve a nice guy to treat you properly, to cherish you unconditionally!!! Dont spend your precious life with such an ignorant and arrogant guy, he is a looser!!! He is a vampir try to be feed by you, by your weakness, by your energy, by your emotions, by you in all levels... stop being the food for guys like him, stop being the victim!!! Erase your past and change your personal history, you can do it... is just a decision!!! I would love to hear from you that you re moving on!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): Dear Sonia
No one on the planet desrves to be treated as you are being treated.You need to get away from this man and get some help like counselling urgently.What a user this man is.You have to find ways to build your self esteem with some help from a counsellor.It is hard if they way you were raised was in an abusive household but you are older now and must be able to see that all that is nothing about you yourself.Life can be great and you can find love but first of all you need to love yourself.Get away from this sick man.All the best.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (24 July 2011):
Dear Sonia,
You have two opposite forces here. One is your inner voice saying that you ARE attractive, sweet, lovely, intelligent, etc.
Another is an external force to discourage you from believing that truth.
You know this man is no good for you. He disrespects you, verbally abuses you and has let you know he would be FINE taking advantage of you or any situation that benefits him.
Do you really think you would be worse off alone?
It sounds like this man has NOTHING going for him BUT YOU!! If he really could do better, he would be doing it by now. Let him pine after taller, boyish, fair gals.
Give him his space! Far, far away from you because darling, you could do SO much better!
Look yourself straight in the eye and remind yourself.
"I can do better".
Be your own best friend and love yourself the way you deserve! Start by getting rid of the ONE person that IS holding you back from the possibility of being truly appreciated and respected by another man.
Build up your esteem all on your own, without a male companion, and you will be suprised that you do not need a man's validation, but you will happily accept the genuine thing!
Best Wishes.
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