A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm hoping for a little help if possible. I'm 27 and I think I may be gay. I've always found myself admiring other women and their bodies but ignored my feelings. I have been quite angry and destructive for a long time and I think it may have to do with the fact that I have hidden and suppressed this piece of myself. I want to know for sure if I really am a lesbian, but I have a boyfriend. We have been together several years. I don't want to break his heart by splitting up with him just to find out that I was just curious and going through a phase. I think i most likely am. I get turned on thinking about other girls, yet when I'm with my boyfriend I need to be drunk to have sex, even then I don't enjoy it and do everything possible to make it finish quicker. I sound like a horrible person, I know. But I'm just lost and confused and tired of being angry and hating myself. Any suggestions or help on what the hell to do? Please. Thanx.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 August 2013):
Dear OP,
I agree with what was said before. Before you figure out anything else, are you still happy in this current relationship? If not, can you fix it? If you can't fix it, then break up no matter whether you're lesbian, bisexual or not. You don't need to have this figured out yet. In my experience, sexual fantasies about other people keep popping up when the relationship is in difficulties and when it's no longer as satisfying as it used to be.
I mean, if you were really, really happy with him.. would you even care whether a part of you is attracted to women? I suppose not, I suppose you'd just shrug your shoulders and enjoy your life.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (6 August 2013):
 as a gay female, my advice is quite simple. i think you're trying too hard to figure out if you're into men or women. it's not always so black and white. the one blatantly apparent thing in all of this? you're clearly not into your boyfriend anymore, regardless of whether that's because you're gay or he's just not the right guy for you. and that's where you should begin this journey. you may break up with him, date women and go back to men. or you may love being with women so much, you never go back to men. or you may realize you're bisexual.
either way, though, don't break up with your boyfriend so that you can discover your sexulity. break up with him because you no longer are happy together and the relationship has run its course. then go out and experience the world and see with whom you wind up.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): You won't know until you try. I think most people get turned on thinking about "taboo" relations, so that is not a factor. Also, you just may not be sexually attracted to your boyfriend, so your lack of passion with him is no indicator. Like I said, you won't know until you try, and I don't necessarily mean just physical action but a GG RELATIONSHIP. I'd also recommend a therapist to help you work into and deeper into your feelings.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (5 August 2013):
 Hi sweetness,
Here's my question - do you love your boyfriend? Are you attracted to him? It doesn't sound like you're very attracted to him, even if you think he's a great guy. And if you're not attracted to him, then you probably shouldn't be with him. That's not fair to you and it's not fair to him.
As for whether or not you're a lesbian... well, maybe you are. Maybe you're curious. Maybe you're attracted to both men and women. Maybe no box fits you quite right, and probably no box will. I kind of adhere to the Kinsey scale. I like to think of sexuality on a really big continuum, 1 being 100% straight, 5 being 100% bisexual, and 10 being 100% gay/lesbian (though in reality, that scale should be more like 1-1000!). Maybe you'll find after exploring your options and your sexuality, maybe you're more like a 3 or a 7. Who knows?
You don't sound at ALL like a horrible person. You just sound lost. And this self-loathing, this anger, you should deeply consider talking to somebody about this. A therapist could be a great asset to you, and might help you understand yourself much better.
If you want my opinion, I think that you and your boyfriend need to go separate ways, and that you need to spend some time figuring yourself out and being happy being YOU, even if you're not quite sure who that "you" is.
Good luck!
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