A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I don't know whether I'm stupid and paranoid, a jealous monster or a sucker.I've been with my unusual and special fella for about 4 years now and while we have our ups and downs I reckon he could be the love of my life and he says he loves me.Unlike me, he has a big circle of long standing friends that he keeps in regular contact with, including a few ex girlfriends. I'm not good with that. One of them, I don't get and I don't really trust. He was with her for a few years, it ended a few years before we met. Though he and I now live a few hours away from her, he seems to be in touch with her somehow (email, text, phone) almost every day and keeps her up to date with what we're doing. The other week, when he had an accident, she was one of the first people he called (I was the first, and collected him from the hospital) He tells me she just wants to be pals with me and that she doesn't have an agenda, but I just don't know that I believe that.Last week when we were up where she is, we had to meet up with her for coffee and she did a bit of a fun "pose" to him with her new hat and bright pink lipstick on (she seemed to have dresesed up for it), didn't really ask me anything about what I was doing and seemed to be one upping me with her stories, being so much more entertaining and witty for him than I was. Made me feel like a bit of dumb boring shit.And I suspect she is the "friend" he mentioned once as having said that well it was clear my dog (that I've had for 11 years) was more important to me than he was (very silly, as any dog lover knows that's like asking who's more important - your husband or your child. We love both in different ways). Saying that was sowing a seed that has caused us friction and a few rotten arguments.Add to that that I am helping him out financially a bit at the moment (and am happy to, there's a good reason) so he actually needs my money and needs me around. I did let the monster out a bit, stupidly or not, and raised it with him. I asked who he would rather be with, and his response was to say that he was with me now and it was a silly question. But he didn't say he loved me only, didn't love her and didn't want to be with her.Help me see sense please. Am I being silly and paranoid? Or justifiably jealous? Or am I a sucker?How can I come to terms with this if he wants to keep being her friend? And would like me to be her friend.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2013): OP, regarding your fear that he is comparing you to her and may then decide to go back. This is a normal fear but it is also irrational.People who have already deemed their ex partners to not be suitable (hence they are ex's) don't later on decide that said ex 's are now suitable after all just because they compare you to them. If he were to think you "not good enough " for him, well, he already thought that of her long before he even met you, right? The difference would be if she was the one who ended the relationship and he always wanted her back and is only with you because he couldn't have her. If that's the case then in his mind she is his first choice and he new gf is the consolation prize. In this situation then yes if he compares you to her and finds you wanting he may resume a pursuit to get her back. In which case I would be very concerned about the time he spends with her but you're at a disadvantage from the start and I wouldn't consider this a safe relationship to stay in long term.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2013): I know this is much later than when you asked the question, but I just had to throw in my two cents because there are many points in your question where it felt like I was reading my own story.
My spectacular (no exaggeration) boyfriend is good friends with his ex-girlfriend who is also friends with the vast majority of his social circle, which I am also finding myself a part of since my old college friends seem to have scattered to the four corners of the country in search of work.
My boyfriend was upfront about his past relationship with her from the beginning, but she rubbed me the wrong way from the start. Like your boyfriend's ex, she's way more outgoing and intense than I am, and when I let my anxiety get the better of me, I often feel "one-upped" by her because I'm naturally a more quiet, reserved, introverted type. In the year and a half than my boyfriend and I have been together, I've luckily only ran into her three times since she lives 3 hours away from us, but as far as I'm concerned, that's three times too many ;) However, I try to keep it decent when she's around so as not to cause friction between the rest of the group of friends.
To get to my point, what has made me feel better was to just be calmly open to my boyfriend about what I didn't like about his ex and to bluntly (but not in an attacking way...I think this is important) find out exactly what makes her an "ex" in the first place and compare it to what you know makes you the person he is with NOW. It's also OK to let him know that, if only on a personality basis, that you honestly don't see yourself being friends with her as you think you two would just naturally clash, her past with him non-withstanding.
Fortunately, I haven't had any instances where I suspected her of saying deliberately nasty things that would cause a rift between my boyfriend and I, but with that, again, I just think you need to calmly but firmly bring it up, while at the same time dissipating any argument you know will start because of the comment. Say that it hurts you that she would say something like that, and you don't understand why, as a friend of your boyfriend and as someone who wants to be friends with you, she would say something that is so obviously argument-inducing and trouble-starting. I know if you say something like that it'll come off as playing dumb or innocent even though you suspect her true intentions, but if you put it that way, you won't be putting yourself in the scenario of sounding accusatory or paranoid, and he can come to that conclusion by himself.
If things don't seem to clear up, don't hesitate to bring up a new instance that bothers you RIGHT AWAY. Don't sit on your feelings...that was my mistake at first. Be open and upfront of how it makes you feel and the stress that it causes, and if he truly cares about you, he'll do what he can to clear the air and to put his ex in her place.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice guys. It's helped put it all in a bit more perspective. You all said some things that are spot on but none are totally right.
Yes, she is just one of a lot of his friends (though one of the more regularly contacted) and he has a right to his friends. I don't think anything is going on between them now.
My fear is that he when he sees and is in contact with her he will compare me to her and what they had and find me wanting and realise he would rather be with her and maybe one day go back to her. This could also be silly, I'm not a bad sort really in all modesty, probably prettier than her, if you can say that about women our age, but I don't think I'm generally as chatty as his other friends and worry that I can be a bit boring sometimes. I don't want to, and don't believe I should have to try to be party level entertaining all the time and don't believe I should have to compete for him. If I had to compete for him, I'd go. But again, I don't know that he expects that or does think I'm boring compared to her or anyone else.
Yes, him not being a dog person is a problem, but we sort of work through it and he even goes walking with my dog without me sometimes now and I suspect likes him a bit (but does think he can be an inconvenience). We are incompatible in that.
He didn't ask for the money, I offered it, and I do expect to get it back at some stage. This was years after we got together too. He's not at all a loser but had a big contract go under some years ago (before my time, just after hers) and was left a few million short and has been getting back from that ever since. I know the details and know he was in the right and the other party was a very rich crook. People have helped me out when I've needed it and though I'm not rich I'm glad I can help my fella come back if I can. I hope we'll be together then too, if our relationship proves strong enough.
It's not as though I've had so many relationships in my time, but this one has made me realise that they can actually get stronger and better every time you overcome a hurdle, to a point. To a point.
So I'm going to stay with him for now (we live together so it's a big deal to go) and try to pretend to be unconcerned and confident until one day I just may be.
I still wish he'd tell me that he only loves me and has no interest in her though. And have a bit less to do with her.
Go well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): I am with you on the "dog comment", since I am a dog lover too and I get upset when people make snide comments about how much I love my dog. However, aside from her dog comment - and actually do you even know if it was her who made that comment? - I think that he isn't doing anything wrong. He is romantically involved with you and not with her, so in that sense he has obviously chosen you above her. You think he is using you for your money - well he could have chosen to be her boyfriend and use her money too.Your feelings are valid, but so are his desire to have his friends. He has this longstanding large circle of friends that he stays in touch with, she is but ONE of them. therefore I find it very probably that there's nothing going on between them. It would be different if he was a reclusive person, had hardly any friends, except HER. then that would be highly suspicious.He has a lot of close friends, and she is one of them. She was there in his life as a friend before you, and thus I think it would be disloyal of him to simply kick her out of his life now. I think it is sad when people get dumped by their friends because the friend has a new partner who is jealous. what exactly do you feel threatened about regarding her? do you think that he may be in love with her? Do you think they are having an affair? This has nothing to do with the details of what she does or specific incidents, it boils down to what is it you fear? if you cannot feel any better or more secure in this relationship, then you should end it. It doesn't have anything to do with whether you have a right to feel this way or whether he has a right to have her in his life as a friend. The point is that you don't feel secure, so this relationship is not for you. You shouldn't "make" him give up his friends, who as far as I can tell haven't done anything wrong to you. It's all his choosing of how he wants to live his life. He wants to include people in his life besides you, specifically her, and that's his right. It doesn't mean you have to accept it though, you can say this relationship is not for me. Personally, I would count the "dog comment" against him too. He must have communicated to her or whichever other friend that he was not happy with how much you love your dog. To me, this would be enough for me to write him off as incompatible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): The money thing does put it in my head slightly that maybe hes not using you but thats the reason he likes you. I.e some girls like older guys because they give attention have jobs/money and cars. Just think about it in the same respect.
However he could be faithful an you could risk harming your friendship. Take note: he IS ALLOWED FEMALE FRIENDS!
I understand the term ex may make you uncomfortable, but people break up for other reasons. Maybe they were good friends before they got together. Afterall people get together for a reason and sometimes that reason is that they get on so well, just because theres no loving feelings anymore why should they hate each other or never speak again.
I hate all this men should distance themelves from female friends and vice versa as truthfully they could be the best of friends, and I should know as I've been on the recieving end of it, and believe me its not nice when they're forced to distance themselves from you because of their gf. Their gf shouldnt be so insecure in the first place. I may be wrong here but its just a though
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): I read the first few paragraphs of your post; and when I read that you help him financially, I hit the brakes. I came to a screeching halt!
Money exchange in "helping" a man, is "supporting" a man.
BIG BIG mistake!!! He is not your husband. He'd better pay back every single penny...or equivalent monetary unit.
Don't clean it up with claiming there is any good reason.
You add it as a sweet enticement, and as a security deposit.
My dear, I've been around the block. I know when a woman is doing a guy a favor, and when she is propping his loser "behind" up.
If he was a real man, and in control of his finances; he would never ask his girlfriend to reach into her purse.
RED-FLAG!!! He has financial issues.
He has a flirty female friend who likes to emphasize the fact that she is his friend for life. She gets pretty and uses her lady-signals to put a dent in your relationship.
She knows everything about you, and she has a secure position in his life. She isn't going anywhere. So deal with it. "Blood-red" red-flag!!!
I'm going to be tough, and I'm going to give it to you straight.
Close your purse. Put your lovely knees back together.
Put him in the "friend-zone."
You're over forty. That means you're going to feel less competitive on the market; when it comes to dating. Don't be offended. You are in dire need of tough love.
Your insecurities about his lady-friend is a dead give-away about your low self-esteem. So don't deny it. You don't have to compete for a man. You get what you want when you're reasonably self-assured.
Anything worth anything, is rare. So finding a good man may take time. You'll kiss a few toads. Some toads are good kissers. You still throw them back into the pond.
Date frequently; but have some fun while you're at it.
Don't go looking for boyfriends or husbands. They happen accidentally on purpose. That's called fate.
Love is elusive, until it chooses you. Don't date losers out of frustration.
You're putting up with a lot of crap, for the "need of a man." You're a drama queen in the middle of a scene; that has been over-played in hundreds of soap operas.
Get a boyfriend who can pay his own bills, is literally single and available, loves dogs, and his exes live over 500 miles away. Or preferably dead.
Don't be ruled by desperation, my good lady. Don't waste your time or money. You shouldn't be "paying" for bullshit.
That is exactly what you're doing.
Now, go work on your self-confidence.
Talk to a good and objective friend (or friends); who will tell you what they see could use some tweaking in your personality, or your appearance.
Take the criticism positively, don't go getting your feelings hurt. That's what friends are for. Ask a sister, they'll give it to you straight. If it draws blood, tell her to stop.
If you're settling for crap, don't write a post about how to come to terms with it.
You'll get someone like me; who will look out for you, and provoke you to think!
That means with your HEAD!!!
Not with your vagina, not with your heart, least of all with your bank account. Nor out of desperation; because you're a maturing woman.
Life is too short. So what if it's hard to find a man? There is a good supply of them. They're everywhere. If you're settling for losers, don't fault mankind. Fault your taste in men.
The world is over-run with drama queens, and I'm not going to stop until they're an endangered species.
By the way, I did read your complete post.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (5 August 2013):
It sounds like you're being insecure to me. Not that I blame you as I wouldn't allow my wife to be in contact with her ex boyfriends. There's no reason to put faithfulness to the test!
That being said if you've made it clear that you don't like it and he's made it clear that he's not going to stop, you'll just have to accept it or break up.
You can learn to accept it by first understanding that it's not HER you need to trust, but him. If you trust your boyfriend, then trust him!
Second, you should meet her. It seems to be something he'd be happy with, which I'm guess he wouldn't do if there was something to hide. It might make you feel more comfortable knowing that she's just a normal person and not some seductress.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 August 2013):
 She sounds like the woman he couldn't have. She doesn't have an agenda, probably because she is not attracted to him or he doesn't have enough money. She enjoys the attention because he fancies her. At the same time he likes the look of her, inviting and enticing. You don't have to worry about them getting together, although it gets annoying because she is the reminder that you are getting stuff that she discarded the first time. The friendship is a safety net that nothing will ever happen, that's physically, but in your boyfriend's mind you don't know what's inside it.
This is not something that has to be spelled out completely. You go with your gut instinct and if it doesn't feel right, you know what to do. You don't have to wait till your love for him dries up. If you cut off financial support you can predict what he does.
If a friend is someone you flirt with but can't get, and a girlfriend is someone who financially supports a man, then you have to question yourself is this a man you really want. If you are a solid married couple, then I can understand helping each other out. But you had been having arguments stemmed from childishness from his part. And now this female friend who is causing you this insecurity. 4 years is a long time to put up with this. I would have let him go rather than ask how to deal with this friend.
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