A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think I might have a serious fear of commitment... getting even slightly involved with a guy freaks me out. Last year, just as things were starting to get serious with a really nice guy who I'd liked for a while, I freaked out and backed out after a few days and one reference to me as his 'girlfriend' by his friends. Then a few months later with another guy, I managed to last 3 weeks before his talk of love and moving in together made me freak out again. In the end I was finding him so claustrophobic and annoying I couldn't stand another minute of it. I know he wasn't doing anything wrong too, it was all me. And now, my on-again-off-again friend with benefits has been desperate to see me more and more often and I'm noticing myself retreating from him too! He's made it very clear he doesn't want a committed relationship, so basically I can't even handle a guy wanting me purely for sex! I do want a relationship and to settle down, but when it comes to the crunch I can't do it. I was in an abusive relationship where he controlled, insulted and manipulated me on a daily basis for 3 years (he only hit me after I tried breaking up with him), but I got out of it over a year ago and have come a long way since. I do see hints of his behaviours in other men I date though and I wonder if that has something to do with my instinct to run. Is there anything I can do? I really do want to meet someone and have a healthy relationship.
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (31 March 2010):
 Hi there!
I absolutly think this abusive relationship has something to do with your instinct to run. This guy abused your trust and left you feeling vulnerable. Its totally understandable why you're afraid to invest your feelings in another relationship. This is self protection.
But of course not all guys are like your ex. There are lovely decent guys out there who just want a loving, supportive, healthy relationship. And of course I can understand that you are concerned about your fear to try and commit to another guy. But try not to be hard on yourself and give yourself all the time you need to be on your own. Enjoy being single and build up your confidence because when your partner is abusive it can eat away at your confidence. This might have done more damage than you thought. You have all the time in the world to commit to another relationship. Remember you dont need a man to be happy. Find you're own happyness and a relationship will be like the icing on the cake.
It might be beneficial for you to get some counilling to resolve any issues from the abusive relationship that might be holding you back.
Good luck :)
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 March 2010):
The problem was the abuse that you suffered. You're now untrusting of all men because of your treatment, which is completely understandable. The moment you see something in a man that you saw in your abusive boyfriend, you get scared and run. I think you need to speak to a counsellor. You need to get all your past feelings and memories out and you need to understand them. And the best way to do that is speak to a counsellor.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (31 March 2010):
 I know you need love, and it's natural to want to share your life with someone.
However, I think that "phobia" isn't the most accurate word to describe your feelings.
A phobia is an intense, irrational fear. For example, some people have a phobia of cats. A fear of alligators is NOT a phobia, it's a healthy fear.
It's understandable to be afraid of being committed. It's something that SHOULD be taken seriously!! Making a promise before God to share your life, and body, with someone forever... it's scary!! It's forever! You're right to take it seriously.
One thing that worries me is that perhaps you have some unresolved baggage from that abusive relationship. I want to help you and I'm certainly not passing the buck, but I think that you should talk to a therapist about this abusive relationship and the concommitant emotional trauma.
I don't think you're afraid of commitment to a HEALTHY relationship, because you really do want to have a relationship and settle down. It seems to me that you're scared of being hurt or abused again, and no wonder! What you've been through would be traumatic for anyone. Would you be willing to give a counselor a try? I mean, professionally, that is?
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