A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So me and my fiancé have been together for just under two years, but I’m not convinced he loves me as much as an ex girlfriend he was with for 7 years. Or even at all, I play around scenarios in my head where I wonder if he wishes he could just be with her again..Basically from what I can gather, she was a really nice girl and “put up with his crap” for 7 years, they broke up about 4 or 5 years ago and he’s been with people since. He’d just bought his house and it needed the full works so she was expected to live in squalor but she did it because she loved him. But his bad temper pushed her away and she left him in the end. He told me he was suicidal over her because she was the love of his life at the time but now claims to be “completely over her”. She told him he should go and get some counselling for his bad tempers and anger management which he did obligingly, but she still left him anyway. She’s now happily married with children.The counselling must have worked because the guy im with now is perfect in every single way, I’ve never seen any anger come from him and he’s never spoken down to me once. He’s perfect.There just one problem, I don’t think he’s over ‘her’ or ever will be.He still talks about her quite fondly, never has a bad word to say about her really, she comes up quite a lot in conversations, for instance if he reminisces about something in the past he’ll say something like “I went there with X” or “X was with me when I did this”. When I asked him about what he liked about her once, when we had been together for just a few weeks, he said she was “really nice, sometimes too nice when I was so mean”, and that she was “attractive” (he has a type which is slim, long dark hair - both me and her have these traits). He got on really well with her family and said it was the family he never had. We all have conversations about past relationships when we first become involved with someone, but something doesn’t sit right with me because she still comes up in conversations regularly, because they did a lot together.Up until just recently, he was still very very close to her family, still hanging out with her dad all the time, calling him his “best friend” messaging her mum quite a lot, she’s quite a nosy person so she was always asking questions about his relationship with me which I didn’t like as it’s none of her business. But my partner openly shares our business and I don’t like that because 1) the information will get back to his ex and I don’t like that. And 2) I’m a very private person anyway. We’re opposites in that respect. He’s an extrovert and I’m an introvert. Besides, I don’t really have any family so I can’t offer him that ‘perfect’ family he never had situation...that makes me feel inferior to her.He takes me to places he went with her such as short get aways abroad, e.g. Paris. Don’t get me wrong, I loved every minute I was there but I’m not even into Disney. That was her thing. When I said to him I don’t feel all that special as you have been here with ‘her’ he said it’s a completely different experience with me and he wanted to experience it.If we ever bump into her, (we have twice so far because we live in a small town) she looks quite embarrassed and turns away but he blushes and stutters. One time he nearly even crashed his car into a wall. But NOW, he wants to buy a house from the estate agent owned by her husband. Yet another way of keeping her in his life. It seems she’s ALWAYS going to be there in the background somewhere.If she wasn’t married to this guy, I just know he would be trying to get her back. He claims to ‘love’ me but I just don’t think he does. I’m a ‘replacement’ even if he has put a ring on my finger. In my head he’s just trying to rub it in her face. An engagement is nothing, you can call it off at any point. I don’t even think he would bat an eyelid if I left him, he certainly wouldn’t be ‘suicidal’. I’ve had the issue out with him several times, and at first he assured me that he has no feelings left for her whatsoever. I was satiated for a while until she comes back up in conversation or if he spends time with her family. Nowadays when I bring up “you’re not over her are you” I’m just greeted with eye rolls and “for godsake, I love you and only you”It puts me in a constant bad mood, I’m usually quite a bubbly person but just lately, with these scenarios playing around in my head all the time “what if she divorces her husband and my fiancé goes back to her”, I’m so grumpy with him all the time. I feel like that in itself might ruin the relationship.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 April 2021):
 I think there are two major problems here: your insecurity and his lack of tact.
I'm a little confused that, on the one hand, you write "he's perfect", then, on the other hand, go on to list all the things about him that are far from perfect.
Seven years is a long time. You can't rewrite history. You can't really expect him to erase those years from his memory. He is bound to mention her in passing when talking about things he did in that period.
However, taking you to the places he took her is either insensitive or shows a lack of imagination on his part. When he suggested going to Disneyland in Paris, why did you not say you would rather go somewhere he had not been with his ex? If he really has a lack of imagination where holiday destinations are concerned (the destinations may have been picked by his ex in the past), do the research yourself and suggest where YOU would like to go.
Regarding talking to his ex's family, why do you assume her parents will tell her ANYTHING about him? She is married with a family now. Why would they tell her anything about her ex? Regardless of how much they like/liked him, they would not want to put any doubt in their daughter's mind which might jeopardize her marriage, especially as there are children involved. Just because the mother is nosey does not mean she wants her daughter back with her ex.
If you really believe your boyfriend is still in love with his ex, then you need to call off the engagement and move forward with someone else. Before you do something final though, ask yourself if there is more YOU can do to rectify the things you don't like about the relationship, like suggesting holiday destinations yourself.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2021): Let's go with the 'model' where *you* make your own choicesThe driving question: how about, Is this relationship working for you, OP ?Duh.. OP is on dearcupid posting for advice, man.Ok. Then, how long do you foresee until this relationship starts working for you, OP ?Dude.. "I don’t think he’s over ‘her’ or ever will be.", said OPLook at it this way: as HoneyPie puts it, his "moving on, on every level" is not complete yet. Only you can decide, 1) are you comfortable with how long this is supposed to take to come through, if at all, or 2) on the contrary, are you being called upon, by... Life, to be one of those change agents for him, who let something 'passable' go, so that both of you can evolve from it, even though not together?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2021): Maybe you shouldn't marry him. You're too jealousy and obsessive about his ex. Not because he brings her up so much; but because you're possessive, and worry too much about how you compare with others. You're not the fairest in the land. You're not the only woman he has ever loved. They were not meant to be. She found love again, as I have.
I know, what I've said was mean. I had to say it to make a point, and grab your attention. When you're caught-up in your emotions, and the throws of jealousy; you can't see straight. Consequently, I had to hit you with some hard facts.
You really shouldn't marry him in doubt. He doesn't deserve to go through what you're going to put him through; after all the work he has done to be changed, improved, and prepared for you. He was the finished-product by the time he met you! Hopefully, still a good-work in-progress. More mature, kinder, and emotionally-stable.
Insecurity kills relationships!!! I say this over and over and over! Forgive me Kenny and Honeypie for being a broken-record! I know you've read this expression before! It stresses a very important point.
Should he suddenly leave you, will you completely forget he ever existed and never feel the love you have for him again? I hope you'll never have to find-out!
Real-love never dies. It may go dormant, or into sleep-mode, in your subconscious-mind. It is recorded and stored in the deeper-recesses of your heart and soul. Like when someone you love dies; you'll finally just accept their absence. You'll never forget you loved them! Maybe he also maintained some love for her family; but you're a new chapter in his life. Not the only story! She's his past, but you're his present and future! I hope! If we could delete or wash-away our pasts, that would have to happen to everybody who ever knew about it. If he never mentioned it, some remnant or evidence could still pop-up. A mutual-friend, or one of her relatives. Then you'll wonder why he never mentioned them? Damned if you do, and damned if you don't!!!
He still loves her. So what? Have you never really loved anybody before you met him? If not, I'm very sorry for you. Sometimes love is delayed for some people; because they weren't ready, or not fully deserving of it. I wouldn't dare guess which applies to you. They both have a history going back seven whole years, and you'd expect him to just forget she ever existed? She left him with good memories; and she was the one who inspired and prepared him for YOU!!!
She made him get anger-management counseling. Who's benefiting from that? You say he's perfect in everyway (there's no such thing); but I get the gist of what you're saying. You're getting the best version of who he is, because of her. Be thankful! Bite the bullet when she comes-up in conversation; she happens to be seven years of the story of his past. Inadvertently, she's your benefactor. Forcing him to change his ways!
My first domestic-partner of 28 years died of cancer. I never really got over him. I fell in-love again, with someone totally different some time later. Guess what? I have to admit that I think I love my new partner even more! For all the differences AND the similarities. I will never forget my previous beloved; who shared a big chunk of my life, and left me with both terrible and wonderful memories. I met somebody else even before the one I'm with now. He just blindsided and dumped me, but I got over it. I still have some good memories he left me as well. At last, I've found someone even better...the dumper even predicted I deserved someone better. I've found that person!
Your insecurities and jealousy is going to ruin what you have. You're the ungrateful kind of person who searches for flaws and blemishes on your blessings. God takes notes! Love isn't real for you, unless you're the only one he's ever loved? Good-luck on finding someone your age, who has never loved or had someone they cared for before you entered the picture.
What you want is a virgin with no past. Then let him go, and go find yourself one!!!
You probably haven't truly loved anyone before; so you'll fall in that small percentage of people your age (and older), who never have. Then you'd understand that you can love someone and lose them; but you'll grow used to their absence. Your feelings for them were specifically cut, matched, and designed for them according to their personality and personal-attributes. Your taste and criteria in partners can change, expand, and improve!
Here's where you're messing it all up! You're making "comparisons" between you and her. He shares his fond memories with you, because you're the one taking him on a new path and journey through life. I share my fond memories all the time; and I hear stories of his past continuously. He's a very kind and loving person. It warms my heart, it doesn't make me jealous. It reassures me of his honesty, thereby increasing my trust. I can't forget those I love, and I don't expect him to either! I don't expect him never to speak of the past, or who was in it! That's childish and insecure.
Now about that retro-jealousy and your insecurity. Have you never met or dated anyone with some of his same features or attributes? Have you never dated anyone with his hair or eye color? Does that mean he's just a copy/substitute, because you never got over the other guy? You need some time to grow-up. I hope you'll extend the length of your engagement. That is, if you don't sabotage and kill it first!
Let me further educate you, young lady. You may have some of those same particular physical attributes or features that she had, but who's with him now? You're tampering with fate, and the outcome is usually disastrous when you do that!
Some things just happen by coincidence. If you like long dark-hair and brown eyes; those particular features will stand-out and capture your attention! The guy loves you enough to propose to you! Doesn't that account for something? He could have waited and found somebody else! Is he going to spend the rest of his life trying to prove to you that he loves you more than her? You'll never know that, because that is none of your business!
Tell you what! If you keep annoying him with this foolishness, and plucking at his nerves; you'll just add more points for her on the scoreboard. Your job is to be whom he wants and needs now!
I know I've come across a little tough. Here's why. Jealousy is a natural part of our human nature. We want to keep what we cherish the most to and for ourselves. We don't want it stolen from us; or we don't want to share the affections of someone monogamously committed to us. We don't want them to share the same special feelings they give us with anybody else. That's to be expected of everyone. Maturity and good-character helps you to "manage" and "control" those kind of feelings. That's why you get married, and why you'll include faithfulness in your vows at the alter. The challenge is to mean your vows and believe them.
When you mix jealousy with insecurity, that's a toxic-combination. It's corrosive, and it will slowly erode your emotional-connection to your mate. It makes you unreasonable and suspicious.
You've been with him long enough to be used to his reminiscing about the past. He's sentimental. By the same token, when you're not there...he's telling everybody about you. I agree, he shouldn't go into details of your private relationship. Ask him not to. Just remember and understand that his memories with her are significant events in his life, and she happened to be there. She made a positive impact on the man he has turned-out to be; and that is all to your own benefit.
If you plan to get married, I strongly suggest that you grow-up first. Most people over 20 have met someone they've strongly felt for, and may have been intimate with them. Most will not lose those memories of their past relationships, good or bad; unless they suffer from amnesia. Yourself included!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2021): You say he is perfect and all problems gone but I very much doubt that to be true. It's just that he knows how to control his external anger signs now.He's also aware that he will go to prison if he repeats aggressive bursts of anger again.Of course he has idolized her now that she got away but I think her family must secretly wish that he would stop contacting them.They are happy to ask after you and probably wish you well, whilst also feeling a little anxious so that they keep it all light hearted so that he doesn't regress to his former ways.His ex probably wishes he would just leave her family alone.It would seem to be a postscript of controlling behaviour that he won't allow her to remove totally from his orbit so he's hanging onto her family. Also he's hoping he will seem more worthy in people's eyes because he is still acceptable to her family.Now that your'e only two years into the relationship and you are feeling blocked by him and his need for a replacement for social acceptability I think you could consider moving on.You will have the advantage that he most probably won't be trying to hang into your family as well. Particularly as you say you don't have much family. IThat doesn't make you inferior to her, it just means it would be easier for you to get away entirely.She will never divorce her husband to go back to a man with previous anger issues.It's only the fact that your partner is manipulating you into feeling inferior to her, again as a method of control.It takes quite a lot of effort to get away from a controlling man and that certainly leaves no room for regressive feelings later that she would want to return to the one person she needed to escape from due to personal safety reasons.If you discount her entirely, as you should, then you should ask yourself if you are truly happy with this guy who has been on his best behaviour these past two years.Therein lies your answer.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (10 April 2021):
 I think its wrong to be in a relationship with someone and be constantly talking about an ex, i think this is a red flag.
If he had a child with her then maybe i could understand keeping up associations with her and her family. But he has not got a child with her, he is in a relationship with you, and you should be his main focus of attention, it is wrong that he talks about her all the time, and talks about your relationship to her parents, again another red flag.
I think that he still has feelings for her, but like Honeypie say's i don't think she would touch him with a 50ft pole.
Even if she split with her husband i don't think she would take him back.
I think a relationship is all about moving forward with positivity and optimism, but he is constantly looking back and living in a past relationship.
OP i think that you deserve better than this, you deserve to be treated better than he is treating you.
I think you should leave him and find someone who gives you the love and attention that you so rightly deserve.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 April 2021):
 Well first off, SHE was a BIG part of his past - 7 years is a long time for many. SHE is also the reason he got help with his anger issues and apparently matured quite a lot. She has had a HUGE impact on him AND his life.
YOU wouldn't be dating this guy if it weren't for her. In the sense that IF she had sucked it up and stayed - he would have been single to meet you. And, if you hAD meet him he would have been an immature temperamental arse to boot!
The thing is HE might want HER back, but she is done with him. SHE has moved on. While I'm sure she made a bigger impact on him than SHE realizes - she wouldn't touch him with a 50-foot pole. THAT seems clear, SHE traded up in the partner department, in her mind.
However, let's say for argument's sake that SHE left her husband and snapped her fingers at your fiance. HE would drop YOU like a ton of rocks for her. I think you are right there. SHE is (in his mind) "the one who got away".
So yes, you are a replacement.
And while I get that he wanted to share the whole Paris and Disneyland with you BECAUSE he wanted you both to REPEAT that lovely experience he had with her, for YOUR sake too, but primarily for HIS own sake. So he could reminiss.
He hasn't GROWN much after he made SOME improvements to himself. He still thinks that SHE will eventually SEE just how great he is now. This is PROBABLY why he talks to the ex's mom about your relationship. It's to make SURE the ex hears about how "great" he is now.
Sorry, you are competing with a woman from your ex's past that he put SO far up a pedestal that no one else can compare to her.
I think you need to give him back the ring and wish him well and break up. I would NOT want to get anyone's consolation prize. Second choice.
This isn't HER fault. She moved on, on every level. He didn't, HE just moved on with someone else.
And NOTHING he can say to you will make you think he loves you as much. In your head, you have already decided that the woman he REALLY wants is not you.
I think you deserve someone who is FULLY into you. Someone who doesn't live in the past worshipping an ex.
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