A
male
age
36-40,
*ichard-Hill
writes:So my dilemma is this: I have been living with a girl for just over one year, and to get to the punch line, I fantasise about having sex with other girls, random people on the street, colleagues at work, fellow students at college, whatever. While I want sex more often (more than two to three times a week), it’s a struggle, and I feel like I am pressuring her if I want it more than that. I don’t know what I should do. I really like her, I would say ‘love’, but I am not sure exactly what that is...would I care for the same way, if she didn’t look as great as she did – hard question obviously, but I think so. Could I see myself spending the rest of my life with her – and be happy about that? I think so. Do we motivate each other and inspire each other, I think so. I love her, in the sense that I love who she is, and how she makes me feel – emotionally, and how secure she makes me feel with her. I feel like there is a future here, more than I have ever felt about anybody else.But then why I am as distracted as I am about other women? Why am I attracted to other women? Why do I need to try hard to make sure my eyes don’t go wandering? Why do I get really frustrated with her when we don’t have sex as frequently as I would like.I feel really comfortable and at ease with her, I can be myself completely. But if I am honest, I just want more on the sexual scene, not a bit more – a lot more...I want to be more adventurous, whilst she doesn’t. She on the other hand, is happy how things are between us and envisions that we will spend the rest of our lives together. While I am happy with this vision too, I sometimes wonder if I will one day stray due to the frustration... and then spend the rest of my life hating myself for cheating on an amazingly beautiful person. Am I perhaps a sex addict?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): You are not likely a sex addict. Just because you want sex more than 2 or 3 times a week doesn't make you a sex addict. You might be a sex addict if you are thinking about sex all day and seeking out sex all the time. You desire more sex and fantasize because you have a high sex drive. Most women don't understand this because they normally don't have the same sex drive that men have. Hey, the average man has 10 times the testosterone as the average woman. That is the main reason why we guys normally have a much higher sex drive. That is why we guys like sex for just the sex and most women want sex for the affection that it hopefully provides for them.
There was a question on a health board several months ago where a woman who was on testosterone replacement was accidentally given too high a dose by her doctor. It took several weeks to completely be gone from her system. She said that she now understood what it is like to be a young man and she appreciated what they go through. All she could think of all day was sex. Actually, it was probably worse for her, as she was not used to it.
When I was younger, even in my 30s and 40s, I had a much higher sex drive than my girlfriend/wife. I could have sex 2 or 3 times a day. She was happy with once a day. We compromised on once a day. :) Actually, twice a day and occasionally 3 times on the weekends.
The other thing is how good do you make the sex for her? Does she orgasm at least once nearly every time you have sex. If not then she is not enjoying the sex as much as you are. That's not fair. If she doesn't orgasm, then why not? Do you do everything to make her enjoy the sex, including lots of foreplay and oral if that is what she likes?
How do you treat her otherwise? Do you do some of the things that Phil mentioned? You don't have to do everything yourself, but do you help her with work around the house? Do you both share the work equally? If not, then she is likely to be tired and not in the mood for sex much.
I don't know what you mean by more adventurous. It could be anything from wanting to use more positions than missionary or it could be wanting to try bondage and anal sex or anything in between. Without knowing what you mean, we can't form an opinion of whether it is too adventurous to each of us.
I don't see a problem with fantasies, as long as you keep them separate from reality. I don't know about most people, but my wife and I fantasize about sexual things that will never happen. I do it more than her because I still have a higher sex drive than she does. If you do it in bed at night when she doesn't want sex or sometimes when you are out shopping and see some attractive woman then I would say that isn't a problem. If you do it all day long then that is a problem for you, as you can't concentrate on what you should be doing.
Of course she is happy the way things are. She is having it as she wants it. When partners disagree on something and one partner gets it exactly as they want it then the other is going to be unhappy. That is why compromise is important in all aspects of a relationship. If you want sex twice a day and she wants it twice a week then compromise on 5 or 6 times a week.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): Try looking at this problem from a completely different perspective, from a detached point of view if you like.
You've been living with her for a year now so you've both got used to encroaching on the other's space. Could things be getting a little stale for her? It could be that you don't do as much around the house as you might, and she is withholding sex as a means of punishment, albeit subconsciously.
Do you readily offer to shove the vacuum cleaner around, clean the toilet, polish the furniture, put the rubbish out, wash up, clean the oven, feed the dog, peel the spuds, do the weekly shopping etc etc? You do? Without being asked?? You need to ask yourselves - and answer honestly - how you feel about each other outside of the bedroom.
It may not be a simple case of having different sex drives but of having harmony in every other aspect of your lives together. Working together as a team has its benefits on both sides of the bedroom door. Try to evaluate how good your teamwork is and if there's any way to improve it.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 August 2009):
 You're not a sex addict. You just want more sex than she is willing to give you, and you also want sex of a different kind. Can you try to tell her just that?
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A
female
reader, noonespecial2 +, writes (3 August 2009):
There is a site where you can do an online test to determine if you have sex addiction. Google sex and love addiction 40 questions.
Some, in fact, many Men will minimize what you do and tell you not to worry about it. Just because Society thinks it's normal doesn't mean it's healthy. If you fall into this trap also, you really could be doing yourself a dis-service, I believe an expert in the field is the way to go and if they feel you are not an addict then you can begin to look for other reasons.
If it's not sex addiction then I would think you're not ready to settle into a relationship.
Wanting sex more than three times a week shouldn't create guilt for you.
I have a hunch you may not love her as you say you think you love her. If you loved her, you'd know.
If you feel there could be a future, I would seek counselling on this both for your relationship and for yourself. You sound confused and counselling well clarify things for you.
It is a strong person not a weak one who takes responsibility for their problems and seeks counselling.
The frustration about not getting sex when you like is a common trait of someone with sex addiction and believe me if you have a sexual addiction it only gets worse and will destroy any relationship.
Do you want a lot more sex with your girlfriend or with other Women?
If you want to spice up your sex life you'll need to take responsibility for this also. Maybe she'd want more sex if things were spiced up and if she got more of her needs met she'd enjoy it more.
You'd be best to tell her what's going on. This will make her take you more seriously and you will feel better about getting it off your chest. She deserves the truth and you would be being true to yourself for admitting what's going on, it can only improve things although there may be some drama first until you get to the bottom of it.
If you fear you may be unfaithful, act now as people get very hurt with this.
Good luck.
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