A
female
age
41-50,
*hanib
writes:I feel my partner or supposed partner has a problem. He has started going out at wkends binge drinking and taking amphemines. We have 2 kids and our relationship has always been volitile. I dont feel he loves me and that im just the maid that does things round the house. Our relationship is one where we never go out together, we dont share a sex life, which he says he has no sex drive as he is 42 and past it now. Although i dont believe this as he watches porn on the internet. I assume he just cant be inimate with me. He recently went out over the wkend and never came home till the dinner time the next day, no phone call nothing and didnt seem to understand the problem. My 6 yr old has become aware if he s not around on a saturday then he s in the pub. I am frustrated with him and put a wall up around myself and cant bear to even sit in the same room as him let alone in bed so i sleep in with our 3 yr old son. If i suggests he gets help or we go for counselling i know he wouldnt do it. He lost his mum in june which i know is a painful loss and they lived together prior to her death for many years, to which i was frustrated coz he wouldnt committ to me and our kids. She treated him like a lord and since her death he decided he didnt want to be alone and came to live with us. But nothing has improved in our relationship in fact i feel as though im just there so he can be with the kids. I dont want to hurt him at this point after losing his mum but i cant live in misery either, talking has always been hard as he always thinks he is right and dismisses anything i say.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 Sorry :( I agree with MiaMine - you got a 42 year old child on your hands.
He COULD be having low testosterone and low sex drive or it could jut be a classic case of seeing you, his partner, as the replacement of his mother.
Does he work?
Honestly, this would be more then I'd care to "take" care off on top of work, house, kids, life...
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Hi shanib, I remember you from before. Thanks for coming back and sharing more of your story. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-are-some-men-so-selfish.html. So we was right, you do have a big baby on your hands. He lived at home, because he didn't want to grow up and become an adult. His mother probably waited on him hand on foot. Now she is dead, he moves in with you, and wants to treat you like he treated his mother.. Right down to the no sex.Forget everything I said before, that's for men who are willing to change, this one is too old, and he doesn't have the ability. He's never learnt to be an adult and stand on his own two feet.Have you thought of asking him to leave and get his own place. You and the kids have lived without him before, and him in the house doesn't seem to make you happy. Can't you go back to how it was before the mother died, him popping over sometimes and visiting.If you expect this big, lazy baby to change, you'll be waiting forever and making yourself very unhappy when he doesn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): It really is hard to see any future in this relationship. The best you can do is work out how to be rid of him. Sad he lost his mother, but we all face loss in life, it is something we all have to cope with. Uppermost in your thoughts should be your children. Living with a very disfunctional person is damaging, of course they need to see him, but living in close proximity isn't good. For you too, you deserve better than the life you describe.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2011):
 ok so his mum died and then he moved in with you... classic use and abuse..
he's a alcoholic and a an addict and the way he lives will clearly influence the way your children learn to be adults...
He's hurting YOU and YOUR CHILDREN... do not worry about hurting him... the alcohol and drugs will make him numb to that pain anyway...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 You can't talk to an alcoholist on amphetamines, and you can't talk to someone who does not want to listen, and hope they care about what you've got to say.
He is being a horrible role model for your children, and you don't even sound so terribly in love with him , so I really wonder why you are keeping up with the charade. If it is because he recently lost his mother and you don't want to give him trouble right now...well, there's being nice and there is beeing too nice for your ( and your children's ) good.
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