A
female
age
30-35,
*dgjl09
writes:We have been together for about 8 months. But even from the beginning I have felt he had feelings for his ex. She is gorgeous but she cheated on him and broke his heart. She seriously is the type that only thinks about herself. I have found messages in the past too her which I didn't think were appropriate such as 'why did you choose him over me?' 'when are we going halves in a hotel room?' and 'you are impossible to have a relationship with' I got so upset over this and left. This was on Valentine's day mind you and he didn't get me anything although I got him a card and lots of chocolates. He tried to catch up with her a few weeks ago too I found prove except she didn't show up. From what I found he was pretty cut about it. Just a couple of day ago I found messages on his phone to her talking about catching up. He was going to go down to university for the day. He asked her questions such as 'Im not going to get thrown out of your house if I turn up?' He also told her she owes him dinner for standing him up the other night. And then this morning I find a messages to her saying 'I spose no one will talk to me if I catch up with you' I just don't get it! I think we have a reasonably good relationship we pretty much live together and get along really well. He always wants me around on the weekends and to do things with him and go away with him so this is why it confuses me so much. Generally if someone is cheating on you they're distant and you don't see them often. Although it is like this I still get the feeling he still loves his ex even though he knows what a lying b*tch she is. I know going through his phone was wrong but I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for that gut instinct. Every time I bring up what I've seen he goes off at me for going through his stuff and totally tries to deny everything even though I've seen it. He then tries to change the subject! And pretty much five minutes later he will act like its all over and like everything is back to normal. But yet nothing changes! I hate confrontation so I just don't know what to do. I know his mum and family absolutely hates his ex because of what she was like. Some insight into this would be great!
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female
reader, adgjl09 +, writes (4 May 2011):
adgjl09 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know if we break up the first thing he is going to so is go back to messaging her. Ill give you a link to a conversation I found between the night after he was meant to meet up with her at with his university friends.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-should-i-make-of-this-conversation-between.html
A
female
reader, adgjl09 +, writes (4 May 2011):
adgjl09 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for that advice bit I actually broke up with him twice before. One was just an over night thing and we went back to normal the next day. I found out the first time we broke up for a week because I had found too many suggestive messages. I found that he contacted her asking how she was going and why doesnt she talk to him anymore and also that he broke up with me coz i went wierd over the messages that they had sent together ie. the hotel room messages. The second time we broke up for a night and he went out that night with his friends from university. I found out that he had actually invited her to come that night and he told her the only reason he went was to see her and that he was upset she didnt come or text him and that she owed him dinner for standing him up. Mind you he was texting me at 4 in the morning asking where I was and the next morning he was like you should come down. And me bein silly did. And ever since then I have found those messages talking about going over to her house and how no one will talk to him if they catch up. I would rather him just tell me he had feelings for her but everytime I bring it up he tries to change it and I start feeling awkward. I feel bad for even bringing it up/. And he will say im not seeing her or dont bring that shit up again im sick of it. Something along those lines. Im so confused. I hate bringing it up but eveytime I have in the past it hasnt gone anywhere and nothing changed. Our sex life is also shit. I found a message to an ex lover of his tellin her he wasnt really attracted to me ass and i needed to lose weight. Im stuck. Thank you so much for listening!! =)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): Always trust your instincts. It sounds as if you are a rebound girlfriend and the reason he is around so much is because she is not available to him. In other words, he would like to spend more time with her but cant because she doesnt want to be with him. Often when there is a messy break up the person who was cheated on, can be left in a very emotional state for quite some time. Remember he probably didnt want to leave her! He will have missed being a part of a couple and not been ready to be left on his own. When that happens people will find someone, usually anyone thats a 'good sort' and puts up with rather too much...and they start dating them. I think thats whats happened with you. You could try putting up with it and see if he finally stops bothering with her. Or you could leave him and hope the shock of that brings him to his senses and makes him realise you are the one for him not her.
Being the rebound girlfriend is a miserable place to be. Its happened to me, so i do understand. I got fed up and left my parnter in the end. It gave him a real wake up call and he asked me to go back. I refused and he then started putting the effort into getting me back that he had once used on his ex. But unlike his ex, i agreed to give him a second chance. For which he seems very grateful. That was a couple of years ago now and he hasnt had any more contact with her. How you deal with your partner is for you to decide. But dont let him treat you badly because he will lose respect for you if you expect little from him and over time, that is exactly what you will get.
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A
female
reader, LW  +, writes (4 May 2011):
Hi there :)
I sympathize and can in a sense relate to your problem.
Personally from the information you have provided above the advice I would give you is this;- tread carefully.
By the seems of things your partner is being very selfish.
I feel by the information you provided, he would probably jump at the opportunity to do something you surely would not like with this girl.
He shouldn't be speaking the way he currently is with her, infact ex partners should be completely off bounds!! He would understand this and actually should automatically cut any ties and contact with her purely out of his respect for you and your relationship together.
My gut feling is that he is holding onto you for the time being but if he gets interest from elsewhere he would take it.
There is nothing you can do really to avoid this sort of thing aside from communicate with your partner about it. As you state that you have already tried to do so, but with little effect, as he brushes the problem off.. then I feel that the best way forward is to sit down with him once more and lay down all the terms and conditions that he must actually adhere if he want's to keep you.
-Explain to him initally that you want to have a talk with him and you ask that he listen to what you have to say completely before responding.
- Tell him you have felt mistreated greatly by him and state specific reasons why.
- Then explain to him how you feel for him and why you love you relationship with him. Let him know that you have never made this effort for anyone before or held such tollerence with such bad behaviour in your relationship before,.. but it is because of all the good things you experiance with him, and because of the way you feel for him, that you are willing to give him the opportunity, 1 opportunity to make it right.
-Be clear, men loose interest quickly and their attention span is not great most of the time, especially if they feel they are being "moaned at!"
-Give him points of everything he must change if he wants your relationship to be a lasting one.
example- No contact with any ex's. Numbers, emails, if they are fb friends- to be deleted!!!
I hope this helped.
He will respect you and see you in a different light for standing up for yourself and respecting yourself. And if he doesn't- there are SO many more fish in the sea ;-)
p.s (I have experiance with the same thing, my partner was the same when I met him. For a good 6 months we were in different relationships, little did I know. I was in love,.. he was searching for ways to cheat. I found txts too. Set traps for him ect. I had "the talk " with him and he stopped it from then.
It has not been plain sailing with us,.. he is still quite selfish sometimes but he loves me and gives his attention to me and no other woman. We got married last year too :)
x
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