A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I started dating a man I met via internet 2 years ago. All seemed fine to start with. He told me once he has no credit cards because he doesn’t want any. Fair enough. He rented his flat, didn’t own property or have a mortgage. He bought a new TV and paid cash. Then he moved in with me and paid his share of the expenses, but wouldn’t do anything that involved credit, and wouldn’t agree to buying a place together instead of renting. . I didn’t have a problem with any of this until we were discussing new cell phone contracts and he kept on dodging the issue which I couldn’t understand until he came out and told me he had a bad credit rating, had been blacklisted and couldn’t get credit. I was thinking he preferred a debt free life which is fine, but to me it’s a different matter if you can’t get a mortgage to buy a house because you’re blacklisted. I don’t think he was straight with me and I feel he should have told me earlier, not waited until he couldn’t hide it anymore. Am I wrong?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): He never really lied he choose not to tell you ...but in a way the fact that he does not want credit is a good thing. You say he payed his way with everything and with cash and there was no problem. You may find that as YOU are the one wanting CREDIT that you may well fall into the debt trap that he is now free from. It is so easy to get blacklisted these days and by other people or simple mistakes. We people today seem to put so much worth on our credit rating and it actually is a pile of debt entrapping us..it should be you concerned about the credit YOU want than the CASH HE PAYS....nothing wrong with cash, the old wage packet that you could actually feel your overtime in . credit worth inside a person is far more valuable and goes futher than a bit of plastic and the clean name can be blackened overnight.....i prefer the black list it's a cleaner way of life and debt free.Good luck.spunky monkeySPUNKY MONKEY
A
female
reader, Blonde_J +, writes (20 September 2011):
Yes he should have told you sooner. But its not an easy thing to tell - partic to someone your falling for. It must have been embaressing for you. And in this guys favour - its not like he tried to take money from you. So yeah its a bad lie. But it might not make him a bad guy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 you are not wrong.
being honest in a relationship about EVERYTHING is critical.
you could have made the choice to be with him depsite his credit issues.... he took that choice away from you with his lies of omission.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): Hmmmm this is a toughie to be honest, I agree he should of been honest sooner with you, well before you guys moved in together. But have you thought that he might of been ashamed of himself for getting into that mess to start with. Have you asked him what happened and how he got into that mess? Doesn't sound like you have and maybe that is why he didn't want to tell you. I speak from experience, I have bad credit, just been declared bankrupt....why because my husband decided to have an affair and leave me and my son, not through any fault of my own but I could not afford it on my own. All the debt was in both our names and he wouldn't pay me anything to any of them. My only solution was to do what I have done, not a great thing to have to go through but it happens and I know a few people that have got themselves into trouble with money and not neccessarily through any fault of their own. It happens and in today's society where prices are increasing and wages aren't it is difficult. I will be clear in a year and will be able to build my credit rating back up but I do not intend to make the same mistakes again, it doesn't make me a bad person, I made some bad choices and believe me I have learnt from them. Your boyfriend is obviously being very careful with his money, like I asked have you even spoke to him properly and asked him how he got into that situation to start with and chances are that he doesn't intend to make the same mistakes again hence him being extremely careful with his money. It's not something to be proud of getting yourself into that mess to start with and yes he should of told you but I can almost see why he didn't from what I have read in your post. Talk to him properly about it and find out what happened, I can see why you are upset that he didn't tell you but I can also see why he didn't tell you, so speaking from experience I can see both sides and I really hope you understand what I am saying and why I have said it. He is probably a better person after getting himself into that mess.....I know I am!!
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (20 September 2011):
 No, he should have been honest. We live in a credit based society even if we choose not to use it. Having a decent credit rating is a sign that we are reliable with our money.
DO not cosign for him on anything. You might be putting YOUR credit at risk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): Have him clean up his credit before making any commitments. Men's way of attracting women is to impress, so he covered up his debts. He probably knew it would turn you off. Then decide if you love him enough to look past all of that. If money matters to you, then end the relationship now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): First off, credit is the devil. You should realize this. Our society has become judging people on an arbitrary number vs. really important characteristics. Sometimes life throws you more than one curve ball... sometimes horrible misfortune falls financially and you can't recover 100% from it. (Sometimes in youth you are just stupid with your finances, but people can grow out of that, too.) I think with so many people being very judgemental about "credit scores" etc. I think in the beginning he waited to tell you to get to know you as a person, not a number.I do think that he should have told you when you first planned to move in together, but before you actually did. That was the right time. Now, he seems very responsible in that he is living a debt free life and paying his share of the bills. It is up to you to decide how important credit is. You want to buy a house. It may be something you'd have to do on your own credit standing and not have him be involved in the paperwork, but I believe from your description that he would pay his share of the bills through "rent" by living there with you. I don't think he's a bum or irresponsible, whatever caused his credit to go bad is either over or he learned his lesson, either way it is in the past and too late to change it.I can't presume his reasons for not telling you other than worrying what you would think of him. But I would discuss it with him and let him know that if you are going to build a life together that this these are secrets neighter of you should keep from now on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 September 2011):
 Yes he should have been honest sooner. Makes me think what else is he hiding?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): Being blacklisten and not being able to get credit is a hard thing to talk about. If you are not able to get credit you feel like a failure and there is a fair bit of shame involved. I would take it that he was ashamed of it and didn't want you to see him as a failure that he feels he is. Yes maybe he should have told you, but to be fair I would also try to take into consideration how he may be feeling about it. There are some people who look down on those who have been blacklisted, yet without knowing the reason's why he has been it's very difficult to say. My friend couldn't pay back loans after she had been diagnosed with cancer, and had to declare herself bankrupt, now she is in remission, but has a bad credit rating and can't get credit. On the other hand my brother who can't get credit had an ex take out credit in his name with the help of a friend of hers and he is blacklisted and can't get credit. My point is that sometimes things happen that out of our control, that make us feel shame or like failure's. Before you get caught up in the he should have told me earlier, i would ask him in a supportive way, why he was blacklisted. The fact that he seems to have himself together that he pays for things in cash, and pays his share of expenses suggests to me that it isn't necessarily a flaw in his money handling skills, but a unavoidable situation that has caused this state for him. But in the end it's up to you. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, butterfliesarefree +, writes (20 September 2011):
I don't understand what the big deal is here he was probably too embarrassed to tell you and its better in the long run that he's not buying tvs etc on credit anyway
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