A
female
age
36-40,
*ovemeright11
writes:I kinda had a small bump with my boyfriend. We did not see each other this weekend which is fine I made this choice, but I called him last night to talk to him for a bit before I went to bed and he was drunk. He was playing a world wide online video game and told me that he was talking to someone that he thought was a guy in the video game and that he was going to make a dick joke because guys in the game usually joke like this so he types the joke to the person and finds out it is not a guy ,but a women. Her response to his rude joke is "I don't think I husband would like that" Then he tells me he feels bad cause he did not mean to say that to a women and never thought the person on the other side was a women. I told him I was not mad, but that he really should never assume when he is playing games from no on and try to be sure who he is talking too. Anyways our conversation finished and was fine I had no ill feelings since I knew he was drunk. The next morning which is today I called him and just needed to make sure he remember something I told him last night since I was not sure. He could not remember us talking until I told him we did. Then my bf asked what did we talk about? I told him the who incident with the women. he said I did not do that. I told him yes you did I was on the phone with you the whole time. He said I know myself when I am drunk and I would not talk about my dick like that. I said well you did, why would I lie too you. He told me he became irritated and wanted to stop talking about it. When I asked him why he was irritated he said "I Don't know" as always.The problem is I want to discuse it with him when I see him next with out making him upset. How can I do that? I think he needs to except that he did something while he was drunk. If he can't except it I think he should not be drinking. He made me feel like what I said was not true , by trying to justify his actions and say he did not say these things to that women cause he knows himself better when he is drunk. I am sorry this is long, but I feel it is a tiny issue, but I would like to talk about it with him and I just have no clue how. Where should I go from here? What should I do or say?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 April 2012):
 Hey, based on your other posts, specifically this one: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-does-really-crazy-things-to-be.html I'd say your boyfriend has a pattern of binge drinking. Now, if he won't acknowledge that there is a problem, there's not much you can do about it. Trying to get him to talk about seems like a reasonable approach, but I know from personal experience in trying to reason or talk to an alcoholic about the drinking problem, they deny there's anything wrong and try to ignore it.
My best advice to you is to rethink staying in a relationship with an alcoholic. Based on your comments and previous posts, your boyfriend is an alcoholic. He doesn't want to deal with it, and you can't 'fix' this for him, so in your own best interest, I'd walk away. Perhaps that will be the impetus he needs to face his issue and get help, perhaps it won't. But I don't see the point in you being dragged down by his alcoholism. It's not healthy for you and the relationship will eventually deteriorate because of it. So the sooner you get out, the better.
Sorry for being so blunt about it but I have seen this up close and personal and it doesn't end well for the person with alcoholism and the collateral damage is just too high.
Tell him to get help or you are walking. My guess is he won't get help and it'll save you so much heartbreak later to leave him now.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (25 April 2012):
 I disagree with the responses here. I don't think it's so much that you felt you HAD to be right, but it's rather disturbing that he could not even recall a)speaking to her b)making trashy comments to someone and c) his vehement denial that he would never do such a thing cause he's such a gentleman or whatever. to me, I would be concerned that these sound like symptoms of excess drinking, and while that's fine sometimes, when it starts affecting our brain to the point of memory loss or what sounds like blacking out, it's dangerous, you don't know what else he did or could do in a state he can't even recall/will deny happening.
I also don't think it's fair that we as aunts don't take responsibility for our posts and hide behind the net as a defense for brutal honesty. people come to us in vulnerable states and I don't think while I don't think there's always something wrong with tough love, I do think we have to acknowledge that we're trying to be caretakers to some degree, that's why we're aunts not strangers. not saying change/soften up answers, just saying fighting fire with fire is going to turn off future posters that might want help but don't have the courage to handle the offense/defense part.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 You've mistaken honesty for cruelty. No one here bears you any ill will and no one has been nasty with you, just frank. Which is what we're supposed to be otherwise this whole exercise is pointless.
At the end of the day we're just strangers on the internet who really don't matter. Our opinions don't affect your real life, your friends, your job, your hobbies. Iron out the bugs and flaws with us and use the finished product with your real life relationships.
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A
female
reader, Lovemeright11 +, writes (25 April 2012):
Lovemeright11 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well that would be why I ask people and did not go to him with it duh. I thank you for your hurtful comments and I don't understand why it's so rude I am not always like this I just had a question, so that I did not get in his face with something like this. It is human nature to want to be right even if we are wrong and I don't feel wrong for that. I do understand you points at least the non hurtful ones, but I do not exude trying to be right all the time. I think we bicker like all couples when it come to trying to say who is right and wrong. I don't have a problem being different then him and different then you. If you are that rude with your opinions I would not be surprised if someone dumps you. Did everyone for get some form of kindness really?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): No wonder he's annoyed I would be to? Why do you have this need for him to acknowledge that you are right?
I honestly think that this is very petty and really very immature. It was an innocent mistake why do you want to make him feel as if he has done something wrong? He didn't exactly try to flirt/sext this woman and to top it off he didn't even know she was female. If you want to behave like this don't be suprised if he dumps you. Its a very annoying personality trait to always be right and make the other person in the wrong. No one likes to be proved wrong remember that.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (23 April 2012):
You should say nothing and drop the matter entirely. You're right. This is a tiny issue. A very tiny one and I don't understand why you're allowing something so small to consume you.
Nor do I understand what you would have had to be irritated about in the first place (referring to you reassuring him that you were not annoyed about the mistake). It was a crude joke he made, but an innocent error. Most gamers are male, so it makes sense that he would assume this one was as well.
Let's say your boyfriend finally admitted that he did say something crude while drunk? What would that give you? The satisfaction of being officially right?
To be honest I don't blame your boyfriend for being annoyed. Just reading this annoyed me.
There are people in long distance relationships and the only contact they have is through a computer or a phone. And here you have your boyfriend with you and you choose to squander that time playing 'yes, you did/no, I didn't/yes, you did/no, I didn't'. Seriously?
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (23 April 2012):
maybe he just needs time to process it; you have no reason to lie about it, and YOU were the sober one, not him. in any case it's sort of a big deal that he's going around black out drunk to begin with. Is this a common occurrence with him? In any case you can't force him to see the truth, you can only tell him you were hurt by his not believing you, and the impact the complications of his drinking had on you and your relationship this weekend.
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