A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am very embarrassed to ask for advice over this, because I hate to admit to being jealous.This is about my boyfriend of 4 and a half years and my friend. I think he has actual feelings for her.Me and my boyfriend moved to a new area 3 years ago and met a fab couple. The lady in this couple is a good friend.The problem is that when we started hanging around with this couple it was obvious from day 1 that my partner found her attractive. I was quite overweight at the time and suffering from a serious illness. I reasoned that he found her attractive and that she was probably more attractive than me anyway so fair enough. It didn't bother me back then.About 2 years on I have recovered, lost the weight and my partner still clearly fancies her. But why is it only now that I suddenly have a massive issue with this?When my partner and I hang out with her and her husband I feel as though I'm invisible. She gets all the attention off her husband and that's only right. Only she gets all the attention from my partner too! Her and my partner constantly have suggestive banter between them, and my partner hangs off her every word. He constantly looks at her, doesn't really acknowledge me at all. I just sit there getting more and more miserable feeling as though I am that ugly and boring that I might as well just go home.Now I know this is irrational. Her husband seems to take this in good humour. So I know I am the one with the problem.To be honest my friend is very attractive, she doesn't have children (I have 1 from a previous relationship), she has a better job than me and earns more money. She always has the money for facials, massages and new clothes. I do not. She is also very flirtatious, confident and outgoing. So, she is a much better catch than I am! I need to accept this and move on - I know all of this.This is starting to affect my relationship. We have socialised with them for the last couple of weekends and I just don't want my partner anywhere near me now. I keep worrying that if I have sex with him that he will be thinking of her and that really puts me off! I felt sick as they were flirting as I can tell he 'really' likes her and I didn't like the vibe that was going on. He hardly looked at me or spoke to me while we were with them. All of his attention was on her and she was clearly enjoying it. But why shouldn't she? It is a compliment after all. He is never usually nasty, but he starts being all critical and nit-picky with me when we are around them, and I get the feeling that he is almost ashamed of me. This is really upsetting.How can I stop being such a witch and appreciate the fact that I have lovely friends and a nice partner? And they are all lovely to be honest. I am the one ruining it all by being a jealous sour pus. I just can't help it though. I don't know whether I should just suck it up and deal with it or say something to my partner. I really like this couple and I don't want to stop being friends with them. Also, is t Ihere any way to bring this up and talk about it sensibly without sounding like a horrible jealous freak?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): I think you are right to NOT end your relationship with him. What you need to do is to reinvest in your relationship:-so your friend is gorgeous, thinner, better job, flirts, uses her personality to keep a mans attention. Well then learn from the best:You dont have to become slutty. You need to start believeing in yourself: your morals, good qualities, your good features.- some women and friends are always going to be sexier. So dont fight this. Just change subtely: with better self esteem you may feel and act a bit more sexy.-change your hairstyle. Perhaps short, less maintenance and may may you look younger. - subtle changes to your clothes: the "modern look": not mutton dressed like lamb but a more chic look. Better fitting jeans. No loose clothing. Not too tight but something that gives you better shape. Money is tight so buy clothing that is durable and that will not go out of fashion the next season. "Fashionable" but not in fashion. Get it? Invest in good clothing. Hey and dont forget those sales. So buy more for less. - are you short? Then go for heels. Sexy heels and sexy high boots. -makeup: minimum use. If you have scars, acne then seek professional advice for maximum results. Conceal adequately. - Nails: keep it short. Use "natural" clear . It works. If you have Another friend who does nails cheap then grow it and get her to give you a proper mani and pedicure.- PERSONALITY: in the end it all boils down to this: to feel sexy you need to think sexy! Your MAN: if he is bowled over then yes you have issues with him AND your friend. I think she deliberately dresses (for him) knowing that she outshines you. She knows the result of her flirting, her coyness. She KNOWS. Her actions are deliberate. Purposeful. Concise. And fool that he is he lapps it up. Have you considered just making a backhanded statement while the 4 of you are out. Something like this: hey guys, do you want your husband and i to leave? Laugh and act carefree. Or try: "hey you two, enough of this so called innocent banter. Looks like XXX are the spare wheels here. Should we also start hooking up? Note, it is the manner in which you address this "secret relationship". Dont accuse. Dont look too serious. Dont get upset. Just make the appropriate comments and then watch what happens. Your gf may be flustered, upset even, your fiance will definately be angry at you, her husband may just also acknowledge his discomfort as well. All may very well blow up in your facr. You may lose a friend BUT you will let them All know that you do not appreciate their behaviour.As for the disrespect shown to you by your fiance? TALK to him when you both are alone. Perhaps during a tender moment between the two of you. Speak your heart out. Tell him you dont appreciate his offhanded cruel words, his negativity, his deliberate fault finding when out with these friends. Be ready for a heated discussion but address his behaviour. Ask him whether he fancies her. Im sure he will deny it but ask anyway.Look i think this friendship with this other couple is toxic. Yes nice enough but it breaks your spirit. Why do you need friends like this. You feel insecure. Perhaps its time to end/lessen the time you spend with the. Meet new friends. Hey even start enjoying time alone. Yes start enjoying qulaity time with your fiance or just by yourself. Start loving yourself! You need to just re strategise your relationship. The changes start with you.Oh i almost forgot: get more physically fit. Got a few pounds to lose. Then start now. Do not tell the whole world you are on diet. You do not need this added pressure. Just slowly substitute fizzy drinks for water, no heavy meals, cut down on chips, small vital life changing changes. If you need to pop a diet pill then do so (yes i know the good Aunts are screaming now for this horrific advice but hey, im human) . Yes pop a pill to curb your appetite. Dont even tell your fiance that you are taking something to lose weight. Especially not the friend! Drink lots of water. Dont starve yourself but eat health foods. Yes the odd fatty foods but please dont just decide to suddenly only eat salads (it doesnt work: trust me, i am the Queen of dieting!!!!) SEX: girl, get back into that saddle. All his sexual frustrations may just make her more appealing. Is this what you want. Its time you bought sexy garments and just rock his world TONIGHT (with or without the sexy clothes.) Try new things, get adventurous. Pamper him. SHOW him you love him. Spoil him. Reinvest in HIM. Hey men have fragile egos. So you know what to do. By withholding sex you are only hurting yourself.Hun, i think you get the picture!Take care.Go get your Man, you deserve him. Just gently shape him into the man you want. Love him with all his faults BUT Know this: if you discover any emotional or sexual cheating then kick him to the curb!!!LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): I understand you. But it is your problem. Dont think about she is prettier than you...she makes more money than you..she has better job than you...she can afford things that you can not..STOP. Everybody is different..And I am sorry to say that but In this american society all those "material" things sometimes matters more than the frienship itself...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses (I am OP). The thing is, my partner is very considerate in just about every other way. If this wasn't the case I would be dumping him! I think that if people are generally good you can give them the benefit of the doubt and they are allowed the odd slip up from time to time.
I'm certainly not ugly either. But I don't want to get into a female competition scenario with my friend over getting my own partners attention. That's just not the sort of person I am. Too much of a headache!
Maybe I should start dressing much more provocatively when we see them :D
To the person who said how do you know if he fancies her, well, this is why I am reluctant to say anything.
And the lady who said to maybe have a week away, great idea!
Once again, thanks to all.
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A
female
reader, 1sunshine  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 Save yourself the "talk"... He sounds like a douche bag.
Ditch the boyfriend... NOBODY deserves to be treated this way!!! If he loves and respects YOU? He wouldn't make you feel badly like that in the first place. If my b.f. did that to me?? My foot would be clearly up his ass in a heartbeat and he would be history.
You need to start feeling good about yourself... Confidence comes from the inside and shows on the outside. It sounds like you need to work on you some more. You deserve to be treated like a queen and not second best to anyone. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. If your heart is telling you all this about your partner then it must be true. Not to be rude but I can not stand guys like him, he is disrespecting you....and believe me....he knows he making you feel like this...
And.. as for your lady friend...I do not know her but I do believe she's strutting her stuff around like she's all that and some because she's very attractive but if she had a brain she would find a way to ignore your partner because she also can feel and see what your partner is doing to you and so can your lady friend's partner, they all can feel and see what you feel and see.
I don't sit in the chair all day at the beauty or nail salon because I can't afford it, I do my own hair, nails and feet and look just as good as any other lady so stop putting yourself down, put on a little makeup, flip flop your hair to the side and look in the mirror and say "WOW"
I'm pretty. If your partner doesn't think you look good enought for him... Another man will...
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A
female
reader, Thisiscrazy  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 No matter how you say it he is going to go on the defense you know why because it's a true fact... No man should show such disrespect towards his partner and no friends would bask in it all and leave you to the side .. You need to realize that he is not a good man to you now he wants the greener side babe show respect for yourself and get out even for a week leave him get your head together and see how you feel but letting them throw this in your face all the time
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): How do you know he fancies her? Whenever I'm with my partner and I see an attractive woman I automatically think "I bet he finds her better looking than me" but that's just my low self esteem talking, he doesn't think like that at all. Low self esteem is awful, I speak from experience, but I now realise that we are all beautiful and you need to realise that! And maybe your partner is the same? Men can be very confident and have a bit of banter with everyone, not just women. I would definatley talk to him about it, tell him how it's making you feel, especially that you feel miserable and left out all the time.I would also suggest having a pamper day, get your hair done, buy yourself some new make up or clothes to boost your confidence up a bit! I always find after a pamper day I feel better about myself! Hope this helps x
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 April 2012):
 This is more than jealousy. There are always more beautiful people than us. You said that you should be happy because you have lovely friends and a nice partner but honestly your partner is not nice. He found you attractive enough to date you and be with you for 4 years. You are not his possession and trophy to show off and compare with his friends. You deserve the attention and love just like anyone else. When you say something to your partner. Tell him you wish he cherishes you more, and treat you tenderly. The basic thing in a relationship is that you feel good in a relationship, in private or public. If he can't feel that you should let go of him and find a man who is proud of who you are inside and out.
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A
female
reader, Thisiscrazy +, writes (22 April 2012):
Ok I'm going to stop you there where your say she has better job no kids bla bla stop making excuses for your partner he is a ass and is continuing to treat you like your nothing and hang off her he is a ass and is messing with you making you second guess yourself crushing your self pride and to top it off your thinking there right.. As for her she is a tart who is not a friend but a spider calling the weak men to her web.... Do not doubt yourself stop judging yourself be you love you get him out of your life and them as well god let them live together but I beg you to not take the snide remakes they have made to heart hold your head high and know they are all a low form of human to make you feel this way.
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A
female
reader, daniellexxxx +, writes (22 April 2012):
 Hi first of all don't put your self down so much.. Everyone is beutiful in there own way.. Your partner clearly as issues.. Yes I suggest talking to him about it aproach it in a joking way like.. Don't you think she's hot.. Or just ask him out right you will be able to tell by his reaction. Most men stare at very attractive women my partner does and I get very insecure but the fact is he's with you not her :) good luck x
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