A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi I need help I have been married 33 years and have just found out that the last 20 years have been a lie. 20 years ago she entered an affair whilst I was serving in the Army we had been married 11 years and have two children. I went to war and have just recently been told the affair started when I went away and continued for 7 Years when we were in Germany. on returning to the UK she continued to see this person but as she says as a friend. I was totally in the dark but I do know my life was made hell for all those years the constant arguments and grief over things I had no idea about. It has come to the point that when he last visited I was so upset I threatened to leave her then it all came out. You see she had the affair and kept it quiet she said it ended when she left Germany but she says he found her. I did not know about the sleeping or affair she had she knew I did not like him around because she was so openly obvious about how close she was. She knew he had slept with her she knew that it was never going anywhere but she still kept him around her knowing that it hurt me. She did not see the hurt if has or would have. I think she was shocked at how much I loved her and how much it has destroyed my life. She keeps telling me it will never happen again she won't tell anyone and does not want it to come out. How can I forgive her and be expected to stay with her. I do love her still can anyone help me in making the right decision. There are so many factors but the truth is she continued an affair willingly and did not respect me enough to stop wanting to see him. I have never controlled her and have and did always trust her. What can I do? Will it work or am I just prolonging me walking out. Please help
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): Dear Sir,You served your country. You put your life on the line so that ASSHOLES like her can enjoy their freedom. Would she forgive you if you fucked a dozen girls on your tours?Twenty years of your Life have been destroyed. But you can save the years ahead by divorcing her and moving on. Do your really want to spend your remaining time on earth with a person like her? There are thousands of women out there who would appreciate and value the company of a man like you. Your Wife is a CHEATER. Your marriage is a LIE. To the people who are asking you to stay or forgive : I wounder what you would do if your partner fucked someone else when you were abroad!“Anything is better than lies and deceit!” ? Leo TolstoySincerely,A Fellow SoldierStationed at Hereford
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update we are still together but I'm still not sure. No answers and no reasons. So at a loss.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (25 April 2012):
From what you write, there is no trust left, nor does there seem like there ever will be again. No trust = no relationship. Proceed accordingly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): If you believe in marriage you will divorce her. By staying on you're showing how little you value marriage by allowing this relationship to pass for one.
Divorce is a gift meant to purify marriages and lives by eliminating the label 'marriage' from relationships that in reality are anything but.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (24 April 2012):
 Again I say I also don't think you should give up so many years together. Her behaviour sounds like someone behaving in a messy, human kind of way, not doing things right, getting things wrong, trying to put things right ... personally I would have compassion and at least try counselling first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): Your update indicates that you have already "forgiven" her: whats a few more of her lies, blame shifting, half truths, dishonesty .NO ONE carrys on an affair for over 7 years and then suddenly does a 360 and blames a lover. You have decided that her lover is at fault and not her. YOU are doing the same that wives do when they discover that their husbands are cheating: they blame the lover/mistress.I find that your wife knows you sooo well, she concocks a story and you buy it. Whether an emotional affair or sexual one makes no difference. There has been 3 people in your marriage, 3 people in your marital bed for over 20 years.I know you are in shock and you just want this nightmare to end. You want to pretend that her lover is the one at fault, that she was "innocent". You want to pretend that she is now a faithful wife. Can you not see how she changed her story and made her lover the scapegoat?OP you seem like a good guy. Dont let anyone take advantage of your good nature ESPECIALLY your wife! Grow some 8alls and become the strong man, with strong principles instead of just an emotional cuckold husband. I am married for over 20 years and my husband will never tolerate any of what your wife got away with. Time for you to re evalute your life, marriage and wife.Ultimately, can you still live with the betrayer.Can you trust her? Totally?Has she had more affairs?When shes not with you will your wonder what she is up to? With another man? Yes 30 odd years invested with this woman BUT you lost yourself in this marriage. Your soul was eroded. So stay with her now that she explained her 7 year long affair, believe her if you want BUT THINK Of the PRICE you are paying. If you dont respect yourself ....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): I wouldn't trust someone who has been proven to be untrustworthy. that's a no-brainer isn't it?? She betrayed your trust for 20 years. That's no way to treat you. Not only that, but how did she treat her lover too? She was "good" to him for those 20 years until you found out about the affair THEN she told him to stay away from her and the family. If she loved him, that's no way to treat him. she turned around and pointed fingers at him and "dis-owned" him and put all the blame on him, and it only happened when she got found out and is in trouble. so you're not the only man she has hurt, I bet she has hurt him deeply too because for 20 years she was stringing him along probably giving him false hope that she would someday be with him only to now turn around and treat him coldly and point fingers at him when her reputation is on the line.therefore, she has betrayed not just you but also him. That shows that she has zero loyalty. she is a coward.In a way, I think the honorable thing to do for her when the affair got found out is to not ask you to stay with her, but to humbly leave it up to you if you want to leave her. And certainly to not turn around and point fingers at her lover and try to make herself seem all innocent and like it was all his fault. This is her character. Are you sure you want to stay married to someone like this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your thoughts I'm still struggling whith what to do. I have had a day of tears and remorse from my wife. She dose not know how or why and has now completely wants to forget him and has said she has loved me for a long time but did not know how to end it. She has said it needed to end and she thought it would end when we left Germany however she did not tell him it was ended. She has not slept with him when in england but has continued to keep in contact but since it all came out she told him to keep away from her me and her family. She has admitted he tried to continue it but she never went with him. But when I was recently away he visited and talked she felt uncomftable and uneasy with him and he had to go for a meeting but he asked her for her off duty. She then sent him a text message with all her off duty. After she sent it she said it was a big mistake but he did not visit. I gave her a chance to reject him by saying he could visit us (before I knew of the affair) she then actually sent him an email to invite him. It was at this point I had enough and was about to leave when it all came out. Do I beleive her I'm not sure some times I do but can I beleive her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): (I just hit post then realized my auto spellchecker made some strange words lil so this is a repeat post with the corrections made)
You should leave her. She probably only stayed with you because it would make her life easier since you already had kids. Or because he wasn't available to marry her. But she has proven that he is her number one and you're the guy she uses for convenience. Sure she may feel some attachment to you from living 33 yrs with you but its clear her heart was never with you and you felt it long before you knew the reason.
There just isn't anything to salvage. There never was. So why continue to keep up the facade. There's still time to move on and find someone new who will be a real life partner to you. A real partner is someone you can trust and who will be honest with you if they wanted out rather than lying to you, misleading you and sending you barking up the wrong tree for years.
You can someday forgive her but forgiveness cant happen on demand only when the heart is ready on its own. Forgiving a unfaithful spouse doesn't equate to continuing the marriage. You can someday forgive her but still leave her for your own sake because she changed everything you have to adapt to that change which includes separating from her to save yourself and heal your pain. I think the path to forgiveness will be found from outside this marriage not from within it.
You will be ok. Think of this as finally the truth is out so finally you can start your real life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): You should leave her. She probably only stayed with you because it would make her life easier since you already had kids. Or because he wasn't available to marry her. But she has Provence that he is her number one and you're the guy she uses for convenience. Sure she may feel some attachment to you from living 33 yrs with you but its clear her heart was never with you and you felt it long before you knew the reason.
There just isn't anything to salvage. There never was. So why continue to keep up the facade. There's still time to move on and find someone new who will be a real life partner to you. A real partner is someone you can trust and who will be jonestvwith you if they wanted out rather than lying to you, misleading you and sending you barking up the wrong tree for years.
You can someday forgive her but forgiveness cant happen on demand only when the heart is ready on its own. Forgiving a unfaithful spouse doesn't equate to continuing the marriage. You can someday forgive her but still leave her for your own sake because she changed everything you have to adapt to that change which includes separating from her to save yourself and heal your pain. I think the path to forgiveness will be found from outside this marriage not from within it.
You will be ok. Think of this as finally the truth is out so finally you can start your real life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): Wow: what stood out for me is not just the sex aspect. It was the blatant disrespect and sheer audacity to have this man in her life and not give him up when she knew it was killing you!!!!
A 7 year affair:-
The lies
The half truths
The investing in the lover at the expense of the husband and marriage
As the OP says: the living nightmare :not understanding the emotional dysfunctionality during the affair between husband and wife.
The fights for no apparent reason
Losing the wife during these 7 years and then the aftermath of the affair: a further 13 years. 20 YEARS LOST!!!
Remorse: No remorse whatsoever. This is the relationship killer!
OP i cannot comprehend what you are going through right now. Im certain that you are in shock, you feel dismay, panic and feel the walls of your marriage crumbling? These are normal feelings. But real feelings. It is making you question your entire marriage and life with your wife. And it should.
So you know the man who she had the affair with. Seems like he was a presence in your marriage. Perhaps on the pretense of being a friend?? Your wife knew that you did not like this man. Your wife knew your unease with this man BUT she still chose him over you. Her actions were deliberate and purposeful. She was disrespectful and she blatantly paraded her lover around you. This is/was unacceptable.
Can you trust her again: at all? I dont think you can!
So where to now? She needs to move out. (I firmly believe that the person who transgresses in a marriage should get out and the innocent partner should remain in the family home) . YOU Now need to be deliberate and purposeful. You now need to act without emotions and take her to the cleaners. You now need to protect yourself and make certain that YOU come out smelling like roses.
Kids? Have a talk with them. TELL THEM EVERYTHING. Im sure your wife will spin a story looking for sympathy. You need to talk to them openly and tell them about her actions during her affair. Its time to relive those nightmare years and disclose everything to them.
Church? Speak to your Pastor/Minister. Perhaps he can help you with individual counselling.
Friends: dont shut them out. You need a good support system. Dont get upset if they seem unsure of who to support: either you or the wife. Friends are sometimes placed in a difficult situation because they are themselves unsure of loyalties.
Same with Family members: surround yourself with people who genuinely care and love you. People you can trust.
OP only you can decide whether you want to end the marriage. Personally i dont care much for your wife. To me she has shown her true colours and has revealed her selfish, cruel nature. Im more concerned about you: im sure you are concerned about yourself as well.
OP so the wife wants her affair to remain a secret: hell No! Unfortunately she is not in a position to dictate this. She wants to continue hoodwinking people into believing that she is this morally sound person when she is anything but! She is still pretentious and she still is only looking out for herself.
Marriage Killer: no remorse: disrespect: no trust. Her affair was no mistake. It continued for 7 long years. It means that she replaced you physically sexually emotionally for 7 years and then she replaced you emotionally thereafter. This is the aftermath of the affair.
YOU need to be very strategic: make yourself no. 1 again. You owe it to yourself. You are still very young and im sure there are many free women just dying to meet an honest man. I am usually all for saving marriages but in this instance i dont see how. Your wife has not learnt anything from her deceit.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): Forgiveness is a gift you can give someone IF YOU WANT TO. Its not a requirement that you owe someone just because they say they are sorry and they want it.
She doesn't sound sorry for doing it, she is only sorry that she might face negative consequences from it. Don't forgive her for this. You wouldn't really mean it even if you did say it anyway. It's time to leave her for your own self respect.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 April 2012):
 First of all, it doesn't matter one bit if it was 20 days ago, or 20 years ago. She completely betrayed you both by her affair, AND her silence. Not only that, but her response to your confrontation is to request that you NOT TELL ANYONE!? This is not someone who is remorseful. She still wants it covered up, by you!
You're right. She did continue to see him. She continued long after you returned home. She continued to keep him close even when you were uncomfortable having him in her life. She ignored you for 20 years, made you waste your youth and your time, and now has the audacity to want it covered up.
How can you possibly trust her? Let's not worry about forgiveness yet...how about TRUST? If you hadn't found out, you would have never known. I'm sure all of a sudden that things that didn't seem to make sense during these past 20 years now make perfect sense, and I'm sorry you were betrayed like this.
You know that nothing I can say can lessen your pain. What you need, honestly, is SUPPORT. Don't let your wife's wanting to scurry it all under the carpet keep you from reaching out to your family, your friends, your pastor if you have one, and especially those you trust in your life who have been through something like this. You need SUPPORT, and lots of it, because you're going to feel a lot of stages of grief, anger,
Also, the two of you need a marriage counselor. This does not mean that you automatically have to forgive her, but at this point, you both could benefit from a "referee" of sorts to help you sort through this fallout and to help you both make decisions on the future of your relationship. Everything will be on the table, and having a counselor present will keep you both working through this and not allowing her need to sweep things under the table hinder the conversation and foster more anger and grief and frustration in you so that you can think clearly.
You also, no matter what your decision, should take an account of all of your assets. Make a record of all 401(k)'s, bank accounts, investments, debts, and other assets. You need an exit strategy to protect yourself, and to keep your options open.
But seriously, you need SUPPORT, SUPPORT, SUPPORT. You're not alone, and you need to feel that, because I'm sure that you are feeling alone. This will be your long, stormy night. But the storm will not last forever, even though it feels like it.
You will be okay! You didn't fail.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): You are not expected to stay and accept this. You will not be the bad guy if you ended the marriage.
She betrayed you for SEVEN years and lied for another 13 years!!! All that time this guy was in her life still. Who cares if you been married 33 yrs if its all a sham how does that make it right to keep it.
Seriously I think its in your best interest to end the marriage. You wont be able to be truly at peace ever. Your marriage will be a prison and the last thing you need is unfair guilt and pressure heaped on YOU to keep the marriage going. You need to heal and I really don't think its possible to do that as long as you're still with the very person who betrayed you.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (22 April 2012):
If you do love her, I would say you should work on this, and hope to stay together. 20 years is too much and too long to throw away. Without her, it will be so hard for you to get over this. I think the easiest route to the happiest life for you now would be to work on this with her. It sounds to me like she loves you, whatever she has done. She seems to have got very very tangled up in this somehow, but now wants to put things right. I would give her a chance, if only because it is your best chance, I think.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (22 April 2012):
 I think you need to separate for a while. You're in no condition to stay with her or make it work with all the pain you're in. Whether she was lonely or not makes no difference. You were protecting her and your country and you were definitely more lonely and stressed than she ever could've been. If you think you can be able to trust her again and truly forgive her, then think about marriage counseling. If you know that you'll always be angry at her for this or that you'll bring it up in arguments and hold it against her, then you shouldn't stay because both of you will feel miserable. She will feel horrible, but she should, and you will be in constant pain, and you shouldn't be. So if you think you can truly forgive and not hate her after you've forgiven her, then stay because obviously you love her very much. But don't try to get things back to the way they were so quickly because it just won't happen that way and she needs to earn your trust back. But if you don't think that you'll ever forgive her, then walk away and find someone that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
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A
female
reader, daniellexxxx +, writes (22 April 2012):
 Hi.. Well I hope you ok hard when something like this happens.. I think everyone deserves a second chance.
I know its not a exeption but you where away a long tim and she may have felt lonely and need some attention.. Obviously when you married you should take your vows and mean them.. I think you should give it another go for the sake of 33 year if it doesn't work then you can walk away and say atleast you tryed :) good luck
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