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I think he gave me the ring just to "trap" me, make me feel better about having sex before marriage. He used to say if I didn't continue sleeping with him he wasn't going to "set a date." Should I stay?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 October 2007) 10 Answers - (Newest, 25 October 2007)
A female , anonymous writes:

I want to know if my ex-fiance proposed for the right reasons. We are broken up now (I broke up with him), but I still need some resolve. Anyway, after 2 months of dating last year he proposed. When we first starting dating I told him I was waiting to have sex until marriage, but that didn't last too long. I would go back and forth with it, trying to abide by my beliefs, and make him happy. Even after we had sex a few times he said he saw himself marrying me. He also asked if him proposing in the near future would excite me. Before he proposed he always said that soon it wouldn't be a big deal that we have sex before marriage (and other hints that he was going to propose soon). After he proposed he said that we weren't going to set a date right away because he had to sell his house first. He also mentioned something like how I shouldn't feel so bad about having sex before marriage now because we were engaged. Well, shortly after we became engaged he changed and became demanding and emotionally abusive. I broke up with him numerous times but always came back because he made me feel guilty. He was disrespectful in other ways than sex-and I'm part to blame for him making me feel bad that I wouldn't have sex with him sometimes because I had agreed to at the beginning. Anyway, he would say that if I didn't sleep with him I must be cheating or not love him. He was disrespectful in other areas too, like pressuring me to smoke and drink. Anyway, we never set a date the whole 10 months of our engagement up until our break up. Sometimes I would ask why we hadn't and he said because I kept breaking up with him (which made sense) and that if I didn't sleep with him (the times I didn't) that he wasn't going to want to set a date. I'm just wondering if he proposed and gave me the ring just to trap me, control me, and make me "feel" better about having sex with him before marriage. I know that he loved me, but looking back, maybe it wasn't a healthy kind of love.

View related questions: broke up, emotionally abusive, engaged, my ex

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007):

You might be able to cope okay without sex but for a man it can be a really hard thing. I'm not talking will power but simply the way men are wired. HOWEVER that said there is no excuse for him being demanding, emotionally abusive, disrespectful or making you feel guilty.

Does it matter whether he intended to marry you!? If he was demanding, emotionally abusive, disrespectful and made you feel guilty (to use you words) than why would you want to marry him or care about his intentions were?

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A male reader, Asexy United States +, writes (24 October 2007):

Asexy agony auntI think you're splitting hairs. I know it looks like we're attacking him. And as a loyal person you're coming to his defense. That's admirable. But the person you have described isn't someone you want in your life.

He was using guilt to manipulate you. I know this is hard to hear, but you're much better off without him. Let him go, take a deep breath, and move on. Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He never said he wouldn't marry me unless I had sex with him. He just said that me "waiting" wouldn't make him hurry and set a date, he said if anything it would probably make him less inclined to set a date.

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A female reader, Venus United States +, writes (24 October 2007):

I honestly think that 2 months was not enough to get to know this person. I think that sex is a very natural aspect of a relationship, but I think he is basing your future relatioship with him based on how many times and when you have sex together. If I were you I would ask around. Has he done this to anyone before? Do you love him? Are you planning a wedding for the right reasons?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007):

No he never intended on marrying you. Nobody could seriously know after 2 months of dating that they wanted to marry someone. Plus he kept saying to you that if you didn't have sex with him that he wouldn't marry you. Is it not obvious? I think it's pretty clear. Next time, stick with men of your religion.

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A female reader, DrPsych United Kingdom +, writes (24 October 2007):

DrPsych agony auntI don't think your question should be 'did he ever have intentions in marrying me?' but 'how lucky am I that I never married him?'...frankly marriage is about compromise all along the way, it can never be a bed of roses all the time and when one partner makes all the demands on another then it can never work out. Fortunately it is easier to break an engagement than end up in the divorce courts. Maybe he did wish to marry you if you rolled over as his doormat who did whatever he pleased, but you are not that person and wouldn't have been happy fulfilling the role of a wife to a selfish emotionally inadequate loser. You have rightly walked away from this terrible situation and you should learn one lesson from the whole experience - relationships, marriage etc need balanced input from two people. You cannot passively accept what other people dictate if it makes you unhappy but you must assert yourself to get what you want and need from a relationship too. Otherwise you will be deeply unhappy in the long run.

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A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (24 October 2007):

Sweet-thing agony auntYes I think he used the engagement as a way to get you to have sex with him and when it didn't work out the way he planned, he became ugly and you got to see his true nature. If he loved you, which I really question, you were right, it wasn't a healthy kind of love. You're better off without him. Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I guess my question is, did he ever have any intentions on getting married to me?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007):

I'm just wondering if he proposed and gave me the ring just to trap me, control me, and make me "feel" better about having sex with him before marriage. I know that he loved me, but looking back, maybe it wasn't a healthy kind of love.

Yes, dear, he did...I couldn't have put it better myself. It isn't your fault. Just use this as a learning experience.

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A male reader, Asexy United States +, writes (24 October 2007):

Asexy agony auntLet's see, he (1) was "demanding and emotionally abusive" (2) used guilt to get you to do things you didn't want to (3) pressured you to smoke and drink (4) didn't want to get married unless you had sex. Hmmm...

This guy is a loser. You've dodged a bullet; be thankful that you're no longer engaged. Go find someone who won't bully you emotionally and who values what you value.

And to answer your questions, yes, he was using the engagement to control you. It wasn't a healthy love. You're much better off.

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