A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend about 3 years and a half and he now wants to go on holiday with a load of lads from work. i dont feel comfortable with this and have told him so but he keeps saying im controlling him but im not. i'm just paranoid that when he is away and drunk he might do something stupid with someone else, because lads all encourage each other dont they? and I think going on holiday with a load of lads is a single thing to do. should i be worried?
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (13 September 2007):
 Yes, his holiday will probably be filled with a few strip joints, several bars, lots of booze and who knows what else. Hence the reason they are all wanting to go away and get away from their mates. Truthfully, if he's in a relationship with you, it's probably not a good idea for him to go, but he's young and probably not all that committed to your relationship (most men aren't at this age, regardless of what they tell us when they want sex)...Why don't you turn the tables and plan an all-girls holiday around the same time (different location of course) and see how he likes it. Girls can be just as bad as boys when you get a gaggle of them together and they're pissed off at their boyfriends. Think Vegas, male-strip clubs and gambling at the tables wearing high heels and low-cut tops. Hmmmm....wonder if he could handle that image?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): She said he's going away with some LADS from work, as in guys. Not LADYS from work, as in women haha. Blueeyedangel thought you said ladys not lads. Anyways, yea I'd be concerned and I don't care who the guy is, I wouldn't trust him to go away with a bunch of other guys. Yes guys encourage others to get some, even if the guy is married in most cases. But you can't exactly tell him what he can & can't do. He thinks you're being controlling, so I would just say fine go then..and I wouldn't talk to him for a while when he got back b/c I'd be convinced that he cheated. But I am very insecure & untrusting of men in general.
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (13 September 2007):
 Hello Anonymous,
I don't really think there's anything wrong with going away with some friends. If you really think he would cheat on you, then I think that's the issue you should concentrate on.
Has he cheated on you in the past? Why are you so worried? If he's been with you for three and a half years, you obviously mean a lot to him. Why would he want to ruin what the two of you have?
Speaking from experience, I've gone away with friends without my husband before, and it's never lead to anything like cheating. I love my husband and would never want to do anything like that. And he loves me and wants me to have fun and have friends of my own, as well.
Why don't you turn this into a mini-holiday for yourself, as well? Go someplace with your friends and have fun - clubs, movies, dinner, shopping, etc. Do whatever you want to do that your guy doesn't like or complains about. ^_^ Or you could stay in and invite a bunch of friends over for movies, drinks, and food. Just because your guy is away, it doesn't mean that you can't still have a good time.
I think that in this situation, you need to trust your boyfriend. Like I said, he cares about you. Telling him something like "I don't want you to go away because you'll cheat on me" is something that most people would take personally. It's telling him that he's untrustworthy.
Try to think of it like this: how would you feel if you just wanted to go on a girlie vacation and he said that you'd cheat? You'd probably get a bit upset (at least I know I would).
If you have trust issues, you need to address them. But trying to get your boyfriend to stay home won't really fix the core problem, will it?
Take care.
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A
female
reader, MonDoc +, writes (13 September 2007):
A couple go to a marriage counsellor. The husband says "my wife always squeezes toothpaste from the top & it drives me nuts but she doesn't seem to care."
The wife says "well, he always squeezes it from the bottom & that drives me nuts but he doesn't seem to care."
The counsellor says, "so buy toothpaste in a pump bottle -- what's the real issue here?"
The real issue is that both feel that the other doesn't care about them enough to compromise. And the problem is, it's that underlying issue that needs to be solved becuase there'll be 1,000 other 'symptom' incidents that will prompt a fight, just like the toothpaste incident.
What you have to really get this down to is the underlying issue you're facing: the symptom is him going on holiday, but trust is the underlying issue... Why?
You obviously think men in a group will cheat -- and that you're boyfriend will either be so weak-willed and/or doesn't care enough about you to be one of those.
I personally wouldn't feel funny about my guy going away with a group of mates because I always feel like his #1 priority. I don't feel that he'd be more interested in impressing his mates or getting a sneaky one in because I feel so loved & valued by him. I feel like I'm the only woman in the world because of the way he treats me.
Why do you feel that your guy will cheat, given the opportunity? That's what needs to be addressed because next time, it won't be a holiday that will trigger this trust problem - it might be a trip to the beach, a beauty-pageant on tv, him smiling at a friend's girlfried ... anything!
Have a look at your relationship & the way you treat each other & communicate & how valued you feel to him. Does that need to change? If so, how can he show you that he cares? Let him know how! You'll find that the more you feel like #1 to him, the less of these kind of problems you'll have as time goes on.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, BlueEyedAngel +, writes (13 September 2007):
 yes you should be worried. if he has not asked you to go with him he is up to something. if my boyfriend went away with a bunch of ladys from work and didnt ask me to go i would defintly tell him to stay gone.you dont need someone you cant trust cause trust is the #1 key to a relationship good luck.
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