A
female
age
36-40,
*d07
writes:I have been married for 3 years. I love my husband... a lot. Our marriage has been nothing but a fight for survival. I never thought I would ever be thinking this but I wonder if I married the right man.I am still in love with my ex. I have never stopped loving him. We dated through high school and college and then he just broke it off. I moved on and met my husband and we got engaged over time. My ex found out and apologized for the break off and wanted to work it out. I didn't work it out- I got married. Here I am three years later- I think about my ex everyday- I dream about him all the time- I can't stop. I don't know what to do. I want to make it work with my husband, but the whole thing with my ex is making me bored with my marriage. Is there anything I can do? I don't have pictures of him laying around or letters or e-mails from him either. He's married now- I'm married. I don't even get to talk to him. I'm too scared to talk to him anyway. I'm afraid to. Someone have any advice?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 September 2010):
I'm not so sure you are in love with your ex. I think this is another nostalgia trip. A great many people screw up their relationships and marriages for the sake of their ex who they 'truly love'. Then, suddenly, that goes wrong. And there is a reason it goes wrong. That reason is the person is an ex, and it didn't work out.
Look at how your ex is. You both went out, then he dumped you, then when you got married he suddenly realized he loved you and tried to destroy your engagement. He didn't love you. He was doing what you're doing now. He took the nostalgia trip. And look what happened. You turned him away, so he got over it and got married himself. This was never going to work out. Ever.
I think you're in danger of wrecking a good marriage for the sake of a guy who really didn't care for you in the first place. Perhaps it's time you looked at your ex for what he was. A man who was willing to destroy you by dumping you, then destroy you again by wrecking your engagement. Whilst seeing your ex for what he is, work double time on your marriage. If you're getting bored, then get out with your husband and do things together.
And if none of that works, get a divorce and live your own life until you're ready to settle.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Hi there!
I feel youre still emotionally involved with your ex. Did you take enough time to recover from the relationship? To gather yourself emotionally so you can proceed into your next relationship without any issues? Right now Im in the process of undergoing all sorts of changes, both physical (having surgery) and mental. Part of the reason is because I want to go into my marriage (I dont date anymore) with a clear mind. My wife will deserve a fresh me. Thru the process, I look and get ever so pissed off with the past, esp with women Ive dealt with. I said pissed, im using the word pissed here, a negative emotion using to reflect on experiences. To help me move on, Ive learned to go back and use certain thought stopping processes to look at the situations logically and why they did happen the way they did. When Ive done that, the situations have become much clearer. Now, Im quite thankful I feel progress but ive been unable to do these things on my own. Ive needed some rather constant counseling. Its paid off cause I wanna focus on the future and most importantly, dont be stuck dwelling on my shitty past. Id suggest counseling for sure or also discussing your situation with a close third party who may know you better cause often times they have a different perspective than us...they see things a bit more clearly cause they dont have the emotions involved like we've had with our relationships. Seeing things from the outside lookin can be beneficial. I think if you can find some solid reasoning as to why things happened the way they did, youll be in a better state. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): He might be happy now and it wont work. You might could be happy. You wouldnt have married the man your with now for no reason. There was something there. Try building on that. Go out on dates. Get counseling. Dont throw away what you have on something that might just be a dream from years ago.
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