A
female
age
41-50,
*oontobe
writes:Too Jealous???Me and my husband have been together 10 years, starting in june of this year we were having problems as i went away to see my friends(female friends) without telling him. Now the problems didn't really start there, i was feeling neglected after having had our 10 yr. anniversary and mother's day pass without so much as an acknowledgement of any sort aside from your not my mother and laughing( we have kids)it hurt and i told him but he said he was busy and had no time for my "emotions" as he had too much else on his mind. To be fair he was at a new job and had school.. but i still felt i deserved a happy anniversary after 10 years of being together..all of it got to be too much in july and i went back to my hometown for what was soposed to be a month. On my birthday(after i was there for 3 wks) he came to visit me and the children and to work it out with me,well he told me some girl was texting him. At that point i explained to him i felt it was inappropriate and i would feel better if he did not speak to her. he agreed it was not right for some girl who worked with him to be texting him and said he would not contact her.(they met at a bar and she took his number off a staff list)I still felt insecure about the whole thing and did take her number off his phone before he flew back, i texted her that i felt it was inappropriate for her to be constantly texting my spouse and would appreciate it if she stopped. Jump ahead 5 days, i had purchased flights home for me and my children to go home and start the new school year, don't i find out he has been hanging out with her,he had started calling/texting her after his visit with me during which i had thought we had worked some of the stuff out, not from him... i get a call from her that they are together.. and she proceeded to send me all texts that he sent her,at first texts very general,soon she was texting him stuff like *miss so so much* *you my medicine* and shit like that well he texted back 'im thinking of you too.'(GRRRR) anyways i had stopped talking to him during this as i was enraged hurt and angry and pissed off that he had just chosen some stupid whore over 10 years and 2 children....The whole recieving texts from her constantly about what they were up to lasted from aug 28 to Sept 15. At that point i had called our shared cell phone company(family plan in my name) and had blocked him from calling and texting her and her from calling him. he called and asked what had happened to his phone and i feigned ignorance in the matter still not talking to him really,i knew he was calling only as he could not reach his *friend* as far as he was concerned i had stopped talking to him for no reason and he wanted his phone fixed.. i said i would see what was going on and did nothing, well i looked at phone bill couple days after i had blocked and truly lost my composure. i got phone bill and he got new cell phone number the same day,texted me got new number.. i was so hurt and angry over bill and seeing how often he called her before i blocked her and then he got a new cell phone so he could talk to her.....i called him and blew up, completely lost my composure really (told our daughter daddy had a girlfriend, regret that truly) i flipped out while he continued to defend his friendship with some woman from laos ... who had been texting me and calling my phone while they met up so i could hear them talking and all... the whole time, and i had still not explained whole story to him ,hours after talking or fighting for hours and he said we belonged together and he would not talk to her anymore and she was nothing just a friend, i decided to not say anything to him and just work on our relationship.( i really can not ever imagine ever being with someone else, even the the thought makes me sick to my stomach, while i was pissed off i got asked out for drinks etc by males and would of never even considered it even while angry at him) Well this is months later and im still angry and hurt by the whole thing,he told me that he never gave her other cell phone number when he DID text her morning he got phone saying * sorry i didn't call while you were away** before he texted me and before i freaked out at him. he says they never talked again,i took over two months to actually come home and live with him again and he still had some of the texts from her on his phone and had deleted selectively.. going back awhile, the 19th of september i had finally texted her back and said for her to stay away from my husband and some other very mean things. On sept 21 he went to work and said she had tried to talk to him in parking lot regarding my texts to her(phony stupid girl) he didnt so she handed him a note in kitchen later on and he told me, i texted her immediately to stay away from him and not give him anymore notes and stay out of kitchen and stay away or i would make her very sorry, and that was the end of their friendship( as far as i know no calls to her or anything) Jump to us coming home in november and me and him going to his xmas party which she was at... and her going up to him at the buffet line to introduce some guy 'this is my friend' he didn't even reply and it was before i arrived at party she didn't come near us when i was there, well we talked or i yelled at him a lot about her really over the next couple days, and he assured me it was only as friends... i'm trying to believe him really i am and i do about a lot as this woman is actually quite crazy... and i think most of what she said was bull, my question is why after coming to see me and working on us did he start calling that woman...i feel he is responsible for her being able to make me enraged and he blames it on me as i wasnt talking to him, should i just get over this and leave it alone? he says i make him feel like a felon when i yell at him and cant deal with it, i feel he is still hiding things they did, for me to move on being a female i need to know how long they hung out for and he had told me they went to movies as friends then he says they didnt.. i saw the reciept for the movies tkts...............
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, metalheadmom  +, writes (7 December 2010):
 THE ONLY WAY married people can have single friends, is when they ALL are open AND honest with each other, AND know each other. Unless this happens, someone will end up feeling left out, and in time, end up feeling angry or resentful.
There is nothing I dislike more, than someone making the statement that "you have no right to be jealous". They don't know all of the details, so how can they say that? It is NOT "the norm" for married people to hang out with single people, most counselors will tell you just not to do it.
I don't trust my husband with single ladies, because he is extremely superficial, way too "friendly", and makes himself out to be THE most perfect guy anyone could ever meet. IF he were to act the same way he acts around guys or around me, THEN it wouldn't be a problem. He refuses to accept this, and fights me on this constantly. OK, well, I'm not going to sacrifice my feelings just to make him happy. Men just do not understand this about women, and until they do, life won't work the way they want it to.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Frankly, a devoted spouse shouldn't be doing anything to create 'jealousy'.
I have a very strong belief... that where there is smoke there is fire. If in your shoes... I would assume that they had much more going on than a platonic relationship. I would also assume that things may not have ended as you believe they did...
That's not to say that they are still going on... they may have ended it... or they may have gone underground with their relationship.
I do not believe you are blowing this out of proportion... trust me... if my husband was fooling around going to the movies, texting, etc... a female... Well, let's just say I'd hit the roof... and I'd see it as a full blown affair.
I'd do some digging and keep my eyes open. If he was willing to get another phone to keep the contact going once previously... I'd be very concerned.
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A
female
reader, soontobe +, writes (3 December 2010):
soontobe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok heres the thing. they met at a bar while i was away, she randonly started texting him,so he says.. we both decided it was inappropiate and he would not talk to her yet he came home and either started or continued to hang out with her. he brought her to dinner twice and a movie the first 2 weeks of september and had coffee for at least an hour a day, until i blocked contact that is. he told me she was nothing and he wouldnt talk to her and that would be it, my question is why did he continue to hang out with her and share very personal things about me while we were together, during the time i had stopped talking to him as he was hanging out with her i recieved a forwarded text from her about our split up from him, 3 days before he emiled me it wasnt going to work via a no love song by eminem that is.. now she is emailing him at work as he shared that info with me and her emails make it sound like much more than he told me. for me to get over i need to know what happened and no lies as its important for me to trust him. and why could he share with her so openly when it was what i was asking for, for so long??
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A
female
reader, youngandrestless +, writes (3 December 2010):
 all i can say is you guys may need to get counciling as a couple and as individuals. this woman may have been making up alot of it, or she may have been flaunting it in your face. and if he was willing to go behind your back to see this one woman it may happen agian with another. you guys have problems. not uncommon ones, this actually happens alot. yes he is hiding stuff from you. im sorry but its true. and he feels like a felon because he did something wrong. but you yelling at him and demanding information will not help your relationship. you need a mediator and a counciler to talk to and help figure out the feeling on both sides of the issue. you cant fix it on your own.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): I see where you are coming from, but yes... you are blowing this way, way beyond what you need to.He has already done all that you have asked of him, he has done all in his power to separate himself from this woman.A man and woman CAN have platonic friendships you know. I have a few.Just cool your jets. All this insane, monsterous jealousy will do is drive him closer and closer to what you actually fear.He has not cheated, not even slightly. He is guilty at the moment, only of being flattered by the attentions of a female. As well as lying about hanging out (likely because this is how you react to the fact even on eof his friends is a woman).Sit down with them both and calmly ask the nature of the friendship and tell them it is inappropriate for them to hang out with each other without her, or other friends present.Flynn 24
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