A
male
age
36-40,
*evil Crazy
writes:Hi all,I have had a couple of relationships in the past due to mutual attraction. But, I also have a truckload of failures when I was the one who liked the girl first.I think I have figured out why I have always failed when I become attracted to a girl:When I do that, I tend to become too agreeable, nice and a tad sticky to the girl I like. I know this makes the girl lose interest, or any form of attraction towards me real fast. And this is not good.So how do I overcome this? By taking my attention off the girl? Busy myself? Or target other girls instead?I appreciate all answers, particularly from the guys who have been through, and successfully got out of this 'trap'.[In addition]To provide a bit of background, I came from an abusive family and lacked warmth and love since childhood. I am also a bit autistic and is slow to warm up to people. I have my own friends but I am not the 'popular' type of guy.Devil Crazy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): Have you ever looked up "nice guy" syndrome in Google? I saw some interesting things, then I payed usd$5 for an e-book on it. I was actually pretty interested in how I am/more of like "was", a nice guy. What I thought I was doing as a positive was actually a negative. I'd suggest you take a look at this, and if you feel like you fall into that trap, fix it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008):
I have a friend who may be a bit like you.
I think very highly of him, and I am proud to have had him as a friend for most of my life.
He has never had a girlfriend.
I worry about him, because I know that he would really like to be in a relationship. I've candidly asked female friends if he's ugly or something, and they have all told me that he's quite good looking in a 'cute' way.
The thing is, he's a 'nice guy'. I think that this is an admirable quality. I think he's a nice guy too, he's a very good friend.
Unfortunately, it seems that he doesn't know when to switch off the 'nice' and turn on the charm.
When I say 'turn on the charm', I don't mean acting sleazy.
I'm just talking about when the conversation is steered by both parties away from neutral friendly things like jobs and pets.
This usually happens naturally if two people are attracted to each other, but some people just miss the signals.
I see my friend chatting to a girl, and being the clown he is. He's very entertaining and can always make them laugh, but he doesn't know when to stop.
Maybe you're different, I don't know if you clown around, or try to make interesting conversation or whatever, but you need to learn to spot that window of opportunity and act upon it.
I see that you say you have mild autism. I'm afraid I have practically no knowledge of the condition, but I believe that it can make empathy difficult?
If I'm right, could it be that your condition makes it more difficult for you to sense when girls are interested in you?
I'd say that a quick and dirty approach would be to rush off next time you are around a girl you like.
Keep the conversation going, but decide in advance a time to end it. Say that something's come up and you have to go, apologise profusely for dashing off so suddenly, and ask her if she'd like to go for a drink sometime soon to make up for it.
You must force yourself to go slow. A lot of people do this naturally, but some don't and they end up rushing into things. Give yourself an artificial pace.
Hell, get a calendar and allow yourself only one or two nights a week where you will permit yourself to meet her. Plan other things to do on the other days.
If she asks to meet on one of your 'off' days, then politely refuse, but tell her you're free on another night.
Hopefully this will give out the message that you are interested in her, but you also have other things to do. That way, when you meet her, she'll be expecting you to be nice.
You have to avoid turning every girl you meet into a project. If you're always around, how is she ever going to get the chance to miss you?
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A
male
reader, Devil Crazy +, writes (17 October 2008):
Devil Crazy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all your inputs. I have realized that generally, a female is more 'settled' when she is around 25 while before that, she is more likely to 'shop around'.
I guess I should shift my focus to those with a more 'settled' outlook then, while working in my other areas.
I am still a relative novice when it comes to relationships, but I am continuously learning as I want to improve. I also post here often as I want to learn as much as I can, and apply them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): I am a woman in late twenties and I have only had one bad relationship with a GUY who was BAD and the only reason why I couldnt see that coming because it was my first relationship and I was very nice and vulnerable and he took real advantage of that....later on though i have only seen GOOD MEN.
Reality is when you are older you do become wiser and it happens to women as well...notice I am mentioning women here and not girls as when you are at a girl's stage you are not that aware of things in general and you dont even realise whats good for you. A real good guy can be in front of you but you would be looking everywhere else except him. I have seen that happening a lot in front of me with young girls as they want a bit more challenge until they fall flat right back onto the floor. I cant say that happens to every girl but I have seen that happening a lot.
Now, at my stage I can smell a GOOD man from a distance and believe me I would rather have a decent average looking caring man with good manners any day than real B's. I use to work for a law firm and i saw some real snobs as they were mostly professionals...believe me they weren't attractive to me in the slightist as some of them were real arrogant and didnt even have basic manners how to respect and treat people in general not just women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): what do you mean by sticky and most girls like guys who are nice and call regurally it makes them feel loved. some girls like a bad boy coz they feel they have a challenge. just be yourself and everything will work out :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Your useing being nice as an excuse, most women want a guy who treats them well. Just as you want a woman who will love you and treat you well. If your too agreeable and sticky to the girl, that can be a major turn off. You will be attracting the abusive type of girl who could control you. Stand on your own two feet, try not to be so needy.You don't need to be an asshole to get a g/f
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): I don't know, a lot of girls like guys who are agreeable and very nice. :-) What do you mean by sticky? Like, constantly calling, checking up, etc? But you know, even some girls like that too. You are going to have to figure out for yourself a mix of your personality that will mesh well in order to help you keep the girl you really like. Maybe even ask the girl you like directly what she likes in guys.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): You can work through this. First off, you're 'losing yourself' when you're around these girls. Here comes the old cliche...just Be Yourself. Girls can tell if a guy is being real or kissing up to them...and some see it as 'playing games' You Are worth Loving...believe that and Love will Find You.
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