A
female
age
51-59,
*alleygrrl
writes:I found the man of my dreams but I am so afraid of losing him that I lie about little things just so he thinks I am perfect. I hate this and he has caught me in these "little lies" so to speak and now he doubts everything I say. For instance, he has a problem with me wearing certain clothes to work and I lied and said I didn't when I did. He saw me shut my email program down and he asked me if I did it because he was there.. I did but I told him no. I did it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He has major insecurities in general and I am making things worse when I think I am making them better. This has happened several times and now he is really having problems trusting me. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Italiansmiles +, writes (21 January 2009):
This poor girl is in for a rude awakening. First of all, there has to be trust in a relationship. I could only envision this poor girl walking in a store with him, and she looks at another person. She'll get the third degree, which is always a characteristic of a controlling person. Why any man would ever have concerns about a past is very troubling. He should be happy he has her, respect her, and enjoys the fruits of the relationship. This relationship is headed for the divorce court before they even say "I DO"
A
female
reader, valleygrrl +, writes (5 July 2008):
valleygrrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo reply to cupidguy's questions:
So what kind of clothes do you wear that he doesn't like? Are they too revealing? Does he have a legitimate reason?
*** The clothes are actually thong underwear, which no one can see and that's why I don't understand why it is such a big deal. He said he only wants me to wear them with him.
So what was the email account used for? Why would it hurt his feelings?
****We were at my job and it was my work email so there was really not a whole lot that he would have seen. The biggest thing would have been emails with my ex-husband over our divorce and financial arrangements. It was the point that he had gone through my personal computer without my knowledge and then confronted me about my past relationships that bothered me.
The things I am talking about in my past are not anything criminal. It mostly concerns my past relationships with other people and the fact that I have dated people I met online. I am not proud of the fact that I have been divorced twice, the first time I married an abusive man who tried to kill me.
As far as the anonymous female comment.. I am a trustworthy person but I have been abused before and I am a little gunshy. When someone raises questions that make me feel intimidated, etc. I have flashbacks and I begin to say these stupid little lies to not upset them so I won't be abused. I know it's a problem.. I have realized what I do now and that I still need counseling for the abusive former marriage I had. I am a trustworthy person and I am a very good person but sometimes I don't make the best choices in men, which is obvious by my two divorces.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): You can earn his trust by being honest and trustWORTHY. It does not sound like you are trustworthy.
Lies destroy trust no matter how small.
If you don't want to change the way you dress it is better to tell him that you see nothing wrong with your wardrobe than to lie to him. Your wardrobe does not carry over into the rest of your character, one lie however, can lead him to believe you are a liar through and through.
There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. If there was nothing to hide in your email, you wouldn't have minimized or shut your screen down. If it was something private like a letter from a girlfriend, you would have left it on your screen and if you saw that he was trying to read it your response would have probably been something like this "hey, that's private, why are you trying to read my personal emails?" Do you see the difference. You would have been in the right.....what was in that email?
If this is the man of your dreams, treat him with respect, be honest, transparent and reliable, then he will stay and he will start trusting you again, for now, you have broken his trust and it will take time to gain it back.
If you can't do something with him standing right there, then you shouldn't be doing it behind his back! Otherwise, find a man more suited to your lax relationship standards.
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (5 July 2008):
 Generally, I have to say this when it comes to talking about your past. It's good to be open and honest to someone you're in a serious relationship with but when it comes to talking about your past loves and the mistakes you may have made with them….keep talk about that to a minimum. Sure he’s entitled to know why you got divorced twice, which you shouldn’t be ashamed of, but you don’t have to go into details he doesn’t need to know.
As a rule you shouldn’t talk about any details about your past sex life…especially the extreme stuff like threesomes. Why does he have to know about that? He doesn’t! And his knowledge of that only serves to make you seem like a slut in his eyes. It’s stupid but its human nature for a lot of guys to want to have his woman be seen like a virgin.
Personally, I am more realistic about that kind of stuff. That kind of information doesn’t shake me. Drug use or a criminal past would be a bigger issue for me. And that is information that may not matter either if it’s far enough in the past.
Yes, people do make mistakes. I certainly know this. A mature person knows mistakes happen, and nobody is perfect.
If your man is not mature enough to handle the honest truths about your past…then it looks like your going to have to do a lot more white lies. That’s sad. But that is the reality of it.
But even in your closest relationships, you’re not going to be honest and up front about EVERYTHING. Best or friends are privy to the most private information lovers should never have. That’s just the way it is.
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A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (5 July 2008):
If you find yourself telling lies to make yourself perfect in his eyes then he is not the one for you. In a healthy relationship both parties should be allowed to be themselves, ie dress how they want talk to whomever and most importantly have their own interests exclusive of the relationship. Otherwhise you lose yourself in the relationship and become something you are not. Just be yourself. If he can't handle this then girlfriend he is not for you.
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A
female
reader, valleygrrl +, writes (5 July 2008):
valleygrrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy other problem is how much of my past, not that i have such a horrid past but we all make mistakes, do I have to explain to him and be remorseful over? I am 36 and I have done a few things that some people may think is wrong but you live and learn, try to do better and go on in life. He will bring these things up to me as if I did something horrible to him and it spoils his image of me. I'm really sorry I can't be the virginal wife he left.. I am not untouched property. It sucks but that's just the way it is. I am really unsure about how much of your past do you really reveal to your new partners and what is appropriate?
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (5 July 2008):
I don't think your little lies are any big deal...at least not with the examples you've given.
But what I see underlying your question is that your guy seems to a bit controlling, don't you think? What business is it to him what clothes you wear at work? That's too controlling! Not even in my closest relations would I venture to question something like that unless it was really extreme. I remember once when my ex-wife, a teacher in grade school, wore a shorter than normal skirt and thigh high boots. I did tell her it looked a little inappropriate (sexy to me but not for school), mentioning it to her in passing. She didn’t say anything about it or started a fight, but later in the day she did agree with me and said I was right…turns out she got a few whistles and stares from the boys in class. She kept it more conservative after that. But this was a situation between husband and wife. With a girl I just started dating, that’s out of line.
If you are an intelligent and respectful woman, you shouldn’t have any guy tell you how to dress. Of course you can get criticized by your mother, sisters, or friends, but a guy like this…none of his business. You may have lied, but he was more wrong to put you down like that.
And with the email issue, none of his business either. He was wrong to ask if you were trying to hide something. Of course you’re trying to hide something! It’s called privacy.
And you are entitled to your privacy. Going into your email is the same as going into your bedroom. If you don’t want him there he stays out no questions asked.
Again he shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that. Bad call on his part.
You see something in him and you seem to love him. I won’t question that. But don’t lose yourself in the process and let this guy control your life and try to invade your space. Don’t try to please him by being too giving and passive and allowing him to control you. You can be giving and loving without losing respect for yourself. And if you ask me a good man loves a woman who respects herself.
Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and tell him hands off once in a while. A man’s gotta know his boundaries and it’s up to women to set up those boundaries sometimes. This is all about proper respect. You can’t have true love without respect. Remember that.
If he can’t love you without respecting you that’s the real problem….not the white lies.
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A
female
reader, valleygrrl +, writes (5 July 2008):
valleygrrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have issues with that too.. wondering if he is just being too controlling or if it is just me. He wants to know everything about my past and then makes me feel horrible about it when I tell him. I am 36 years old and I have been married twice so I am no virgin! He was with his ex-wife for 20 years and she was a virgin when they met. He hasn't dated anyone since their breakup so I am the guinea pig so to speak.
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A
female
reader, valleygrrl +, writes (5 July 2008):
valleygrrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat do I do to earn his trust back? I have learned my lesson about the little lies and I am trying not to do the things he doesn't want me to do, even if it is a hardship on me.
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