A
male
age
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*lash33
writes:I am having a really hard time effectively communicating with my fiance. The chief complaint is that I am too long winded and I am constantly speaking about the negative things I see around me. We used to talk for hours(mostly me ) when we got together 9/13/2010. I talk about things before me that I dislike, disagree with, or flatout disapprove of. My fiance states that I bring her down with the negativity and I don't talk enough about positive things like our future together and our goals. Growing up my mother use to cut me off when I was speaking, wanting me to get to the point. I felt like she really didn't want to hear what I had to say and didn't care. I feel a lot of this from my fiance and have talked about these things but nothing has helped. What can and should I do?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 April 2012):
 I noticed two interesting things about what you wrote on here that I think speaks into your dilemma.
First, I've never spoken to you in person, but the way you write isn't long-winded or tedious. You're to the point, paragraph well, and you have good grammar. If you speak like you write, I wouldn't consider you long-winded.
However, sometimes what people label as long-winded actually means that there is no give and take in a conversation. This means that when you're speaking your opinion about something, or what you want to talk about,you're close-minded and effectively shut down any other viewpoints. If you don't take the time to listen, and especially if you don't give people time enough to share, they'll feel like you are long-winded.
As for negativity, I can see that easily from what you've given us here. You say "I talk about things before me that I dislike, disagree with, or flatout disapprove of.". Why?? I'd bet you're a frequent talk radio listener, because it's addictive to be critical and negative of things. People make their money off of being just that.
You may feel disillusioned about things, or skeptical, or cynical, or a "realist", but sometimes, it's good simply to enjoy the beauty of things, the goodness in people (it IS there!), to let go of the political crap (I *hate* election years and can't wait until they're over).
If you can't think of anything to say that's not critical or negative, maybe just listen. Be interested in her viewpoint, even if you don't share it. Ask her questions about why she feels that way.
She also mentioned you not talking about your future together. Is that on purpose? She may be feeling like you're not sold on getting married to her if you're not talking about life after your wedding, and ESPECIALLY if she's perceiving your negativity as a lack of enthusiasm for your marriage.
You can be yourself without being addicted to negativity and nitpicking and being critical. That's not "just how you are".
A
male
reader, Flash33 +, writes (30 April 2012):
Flash33 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is just an update or clarification. I stated that my mother cut me off as a child when I spoke and shared that because it has happened in the past, so I am sesitive to my fiance or anyone doing it today. I also stated that I talk about the negative things that I disagree, and see around me but I needed to say these things that I speak on or complain about directly affect our house and our relationship. Thanks for all feedback, it has and will be appreciated.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (29 April 2012):
 I think my concern is you say You used to talk for hours...emphasis on the you. Changing your whole life view or making an effort to actively reroute cognitive pathways to more positive ones is something that takes work and discipline. if you want to continue to make your partner happy you're going to have to MAKE this effort.
to make it easier for you, ask her for positive re-enforcement, so that you see what you're doing is having a positive impact on your relationship and that it's moving in the direction you two want it to, otherwise it's easy for us to revert to what's comfortable, our go-to negative pathways.
You shouldn't take her criticism to mean you need to be a different person or personality. She sees good in you and likes a lot of things about you but negativity can be contagious, and after a while will drain the happiness of a person and life out of the relationship.
Vent, but try to keep it to a limit. Ask her if you can just be heard out on a rant for 10 minutes on this one thing and then you'll drop it for the rest of the night. Work on deep breathing and relaxation techniques. Ask yourself if the thing you're aggravated by will matter tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, or on your death bed. Again, don't think of this as self-censorship but working on a better you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 April 2012):
 Wow, you have raised many issues here and there are 7 months to go before your wedding. It is really draining to just complain but having no tools to solve anything. It's not that people don't care. They don't think the world is as bad as you described it to be. They would rather be happy than to focus on things that can't be changed. If your fiance agrees to marry you despite this it means she accepts you the way you are and that your positive qualities outshine your negative ones but still don't take it for granted. You need positive energy to sustain the relationship. It's not wrong to cut you off when you are long winded. Only people who are wimps would be polite and suffer this negative energy and not say anything. You are talking at people and not to them, and this is not caring about how they feel when you make them sit and listen when they would rather do something else. What can you do? Don't be stubborn. When a person has had enough, looks disinterested, it's time you stop talking. Don't wait until they tell you to stop or they walk away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): "I talk about things before me that I dislike, disagree with, or flatout disapprove of"
Does anything about the sentence above sound a bit petulant?
I don't mean to insult you, but you sound a bit like a downer.
You seem to be suggesting that because your mother cut you off in your childhood, that you should be entitled to a free audience in adulthood. While I believe couples should listen to each other, if all you're communicating is displeasure with the world around you, I might understand why she'd rather not want to.
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