A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to my husband for 7 years (no kids). I was brought up strictly: no boyfriends, no socialising, even friends were a no no. Life was miserable. I left uni and managed to get a job in another city and started having a life. Despite living away, my parents insisted on controlling me, introducing me to pre-selected batchelors who wanted me to be a housewife. I rejected them all. Being clueless in love, I finally compromised and married a man from my parents country after weeks of knowing him (I'm South Asian). He vowed to let me keep my career and promised to transfer his business to the UK. However weeks before coming over, everything changed. He'd made a loss, wasn't going to set up business and promised his parents he'd pay off the debt of his sister's weddings once he started earning. When he finally came over he refused to move to my city. He didn't get a job for over a year so my parents ended up looking after him. To make him move to me I bought an apartment. He finally moved, got a job but didn't contribute much and told me quite often how I'd ruined all of his chances by making him move. My resentment grew as all he did was watch TV, eat, sleep and talk about wanting UK citizenship. He wanted kids too but would tell me they would look after themselves. I started having feelings for another married man but being me, I did nothing. I saw no future, I became depressed. I wanted to kill myself. The only thing that gave me hope was losing my job. I saw a way out. I didn't have to be responsible for putting a roof over my husbands head, I could move in with my parents and ask him to move in with his sister (same town). I have just started doing a PhD in a city away from my husband. He resents me for it so I feel guilty as hell. I love my PhD, and love not being reponsible for once. I make the effort to visit my town weekly but have to live with my parents as my husband says he can't afford a room for us. He's often too tired to meet me or see me off. We're not intimate and argue all the time. I've also found myself having feelings for another married man. I will never do anything but I know I can't go on living like this. I still care for my husband and am worried I am destined to be alone forever if I leave him. I don't know what to do. I only have myself to blame.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): You should get divorced. You're basically already 'half' divorced because you are not living a normal life of a normal happy married couple. And you have no desire to even be around your husband. You're already divorced in mind and spirit, so you should go one step further and make it legal. Because that last step - the legal one - is what stands between you and being able to legitimately and legally form new romantic relationships with other (single) men and thereby holds the key to the future of your love life.you and your husband should just chalk this marriage up to one big mistake, the reason being that the decision was made by people who are not the ones getting married rather than the ones who are. Then you should get the divorce, and transition back into separate lives as if you had never met. I'm guessing your parents will probably flip out at the idea of you divorcing him. But they probably already know something is really wrong in your marriage if you're not living together and are basically living separate lives. Also think of it as 'growing up' when you have the courage to go against your parents. I mean, this issue of who you are married to or whether you are even married to anyone, affects you far more than it affects your parents so you should be the one who has the final say in your own life.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): Its not all your fault there are 2 people in the marriage.Now you are unemployed and doing with your life what you want to do, studying for a PhD, then things ARE going your way.You do not have to support your husband which is a relief I am sure. Living in another town and stopping at your parents once a week is not married lifeYour husband has got to be as unhappy as you are, in a new country, unhappily married, not even living with his wife nor going to in the near future.Living with his sister and earning little money.Why do you not just sit down with him and tell him there is no future for you and divorce? Because married people live together and face lifes problems between them, you two are as far apart as you could be.You have no children which is a blessing so its more a formality of having the marriage made officially over.When your free you will find somebody new who makes you happy and so will your husband.
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