A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone,So, I am getting over a bad break-up that happened 7 months ago. The thing is, I general take a long time letting go of a relationship. Abnormally long I would say, we are talking several years. I have been to therapy over this issue and of course it all relates back to past experiences during childhood.That being my background, I not sure when I should start dating. I have texted my ex very recently saying that I missed him and still loved him, to which he did not respond. Clearly, I have not moved on or am over him. However, I also know that this is my personal tendency and is not entirely related to him. Once I fall in love, it very hard for me to let go. With all that, I am just not sure when is the right time to head back into the dating scene. I know the general line of thinking is once you've mended your heart, but honestly this could take an excessive amount of time for me. I am 34, young but no a spring chicken either.Just thought I would get some perspective from you all:)
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female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (18 January 2015):
You know, it's really just a matter of choice. You just need to let go. Let me tell you something.
It is truly the easiest thing to let go of something or someone. The difficult part is to decide when to let go. You end up holding on to the guys, probably hoping that it would work out in some way. Texting your ex after such a long time only means you're still willing to hold on.
Make a choice for yourself and stick to it. Once you let go of someone, you don't easily let them back into your life. Or even go behind them. You need to be that determined and responsible for your decision.
More than anything else, you need to do it for yourself, because you deserve to be happy n with people who want to be with you in your life. Not people you have to run behind to keep them in your life.
Just remember, it's always a choice and that the choice is yours.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (18 January 2015):
While I do agree that time heals all wounds, I think the willpower is just as important. You can't say "well I texted my ex a while ago which means I am still into him/hard to let go" but this is not how it works. You have to resist all contact and delete the person from your life by any means depending on your ability to move on. Since you think you take a long time to get over someone, then I would go as far as deleting messages, emails, numbers and just about anything that is related to an ex. When you find your mind wondering to your ex, snap out of it and think about something else. Meeting new people and talking to friends helps a lot. We often feel like it is the end of the world and wonder what was and what could have been, completely forgetting to live in the present. I am sure your ex was not that great of a person despite what you may think.
I can take a year, or 2 years or more to get over an ex because I do put my all into it, but I am also a guy and I always think that there is better fish in the sea. I try to not make excuses and do the best I can by not secluding myself in solitude. Life is too short and I want to be healthy by the time someone new comes a long.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2015): Never contact someone after you officially breakup. They don't care if you still love them, and they don't want your well-wishes. Not receiving his response only reopened your wounds. His silence was interpreted as, and added the sting of "rejection." That crushes your ego, and hurts your feelings all over again.
Then there is an issue that is pretty general or prevalent for all of us after a breakup; which is, hoping against hope. Maybe they'll change their mind. We start bargaining within our minds, thinking maybe we could try again and you'll do things differently. If only you had a second chance. You "imagine" he's somewhere thinking about you, and realizing he made a huge mistake. Maybe it's just a matter of time. Note I said it was imaginary! Imagination has no boundaries. Like the heart, imagination takes unnecessary risks with our feelings. You have to engage "the mind" to take reigns on the heart. Let your mind take control to realign your emotions. To get a grip on things. The subconscious-mind must grasp the reality, and accept the finality. What's done, is done. Not life, just that period in time.
Am I right that these scenarios persistently go through your thoughts? You probably have a lot of pictures, mementos, presents, and gifts you've kept long after he was gone. That delays healing, and maintains attachment through leftover artifacts related to him and the past. When you let go, you have to let go of everything.
You can't delete memories or feelings, but you can learn to put them in the past where they belong. If you don't really want to do it, you won't. You'll live in the past and it will consume you, and it will hold you in a painful place pining for people long gone from your life. You're throwing away joy, and wasting your youth. "Grieving" for someone "living" his life without a care in the world. Happy you're out of it. While you're choking on sour grapes.
It took me a little too long to let go of my partner who passed-away. We shared nearly 30 years of our lives together. We bought a home, accumulated beautiful art, and furnished our love-nest with lovely things. Everywhere I look, I can see him. I was single for five years after he died. Avoided anything serious; until someone came along and woke-up my sleeping heart again. We dated, and I enjoyed myself. It was brief, he dumped me. I'm thankful I have the capacity to feel again. Thanks to the guy who dumped me! He reminded me, that I can fall in-love again; after losing someone else I'd been with for so very long. I felt guilty being happy at first. Then I did a lot of reading, listened to my loving older sister's advice, talked to older gay men I knew, and realized you have to live after losing people. You don't have to stop loving them, just put it away; and start fresh with someone else. End a chapter, and start a new story.
That's your new mission. To live, enjoy being single, but keep room in your heart for new friends and unexpected adventures. Seek inspiration and enlightenment. Explore your spiritual-side. Evolve and re-invent yourself.
You may have been "in-love with being in-love." Your whole world revolves around one single solitary man. Never do that again. You are a whole person. You didn't have a conjoined twin removed from your body. You didn't share vital organs. You still possess your heart. It was never stolen from you. It has a crack in it. It takes yours longer to heal. Okay, but it's still beating!
I was invited on a road-trip to New York City with a good friend after I got dumped. It was a long drive, and he wanted to get me alone to talk, basically. He told me never give anyone so much of yourself you have nothing left to survive on alone. Save a little bit of love for yourself to keep YOU going. I already knew by this time I was ready to get over that guy, but I needed the encouragement. I will encourage you to try, even if you don't feel a thing. You have to make friends with men first anyway.
Girlfriend, you are a slave to your feelings! Flip the script, and have a more "intellectual approach." Allow your mind to take control, and to give your heart a little rest.
Get to know men as friends. If it clicks, let them get closer. You may have another 60 plus years of life ahead of you. You may have several love-interests in your future. They may come and go, but sometimes that's how destiny works. Different people touch our lives tweaking and preparing us for someone waiting, designed and created especially for you and me. They'll take us to the end of our journey. There will be no others.
Don't let someone long-gone steal all that life from you.
You take it one day at a time. Let people see how good you are and then maybe, someone else will find the key to your heart. I've found someone else, and he's good to me. I'm not worried about how long it will last. I just enjoy it day by day. I hope the best for you too. You are really young, and you shouldn't be held back by emotions and grief for someone who let go of you. Break-free, and move forward my dear. Life is too precious. Freedom feels so good!
I hope if nothing else, my words bring you comfort.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2015): Getting over a relationship often requires a lot of conscious effort. A lot of it has to do with how skilled you are at controlling and manipulating your thoughts. Some people are better at doing this than others. For instance, I have a friend who whenever an ex boyfriend or a thought she shouldn't be thinking about, pops into her head, she says, "blank." And repeats it till her mind draws a blank and she can think of something else. It works. My friend has no trouble getting over a guy. Other people jump right back into the dating scene to get their mind off of a relationship. This often works too. This is what I recommend for you, as well. It will keep your mind distracted. I, personally, am not a huge fan of going on dates. Every date I have ever been on has always been awkward. Unless I know the guy, I avoid dates like the plague. I'll casually meet a guy (ideally a friend) for a bite or for drinks and that I enjoy. But once I know it's a "date" I feel uptight and out of place. I do not know how you feel about this but when you get back in the dating pool, partake in outings that you feel totally comfortable in. That way you can prevent dates from hell which will definitely make you miss your ex even more, and instead you will enjoy it and it will leave you with a memorable thought you can in turn look forward to again. Do you have any dude friends you can go grab a drink with? Call them up! Do you have any cute neighbors? Start flirting with them. Any cuties at the gym? Strike up a conversation. Remember you've got to stay busy. And you've got to have more power over your thoughts. It's a skill you need to practice. Have you ever had to go to work even though you're sick and you feel like shit? And you have to take every last bit of energy you have to get through the day. Consciously getting over a relationship is something like this. The objective is that you do not surrender to the ailment and get through the day with a good attitude and a smile. Fake it till you make it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2015): Remove any ways of contacting your ex. Delete their number, emails, Facebook etc... Remove all opportunity for you, when you're in your quiet moments, to reach out for contact.Continue seeing a therapist, now you have identified your issues you need to ask them for strategies to resolve these. If your therapist can't help you move forward you should try another therapist of psychologist.Go out and start new hobbies or interests. Get used to interacting with people and if you go out on dates, reserve your feelings for people. A date is just a date. You've come far being able to know why this happens to you, but you just need to now take the next step in resolving it.Ex's are ex's for a reason. Do you miss the comfort and security of having a relationship more than the person? That can be an issue if you've had a difficult childhood and have been let down by those in a parental position. You want the safety of someone being there for you.I had to learn to accept the only person who could look after my wellbeing was myself, then your relationships become easier and more enjoyable because the partner isn't assuming a role that soothes your past hurts. That's why I suggest getting and exploring new interests, find interests that bring you joy. Be positive about yourself, know you are a worthy and intelligent person who deserves happiness and like begins to attract like. If you believe you can be happy and have healthy relationships, you start a self fulfilling prophecy where you start to have those things. It works in reverse, people who wallow in the past or their own problems tend to only get more problems - or at least see the problems where as a more positive affirmation encourages you to see the positives in life.Take care of yourself, you've come very far and you have plenty of time to find someone to date. Focus on you first x
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