A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I have a three bedroom apt.my mom,son and I live there its roomy for us .But my son has a problem with helping with house hold chores.He works and goes to school but in between time he doesn't take trash out wash dishes or anything to contribute to the house.He works he want to keep his money pay no bills everything is going wrong since he got this job working at the burger joint.Im proud of him getting a job but he needs his own place if he does want to help. What do you think am I wrong for looking for an apartment for him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2015): I also want to add that my ex boyfriends mom was a therapist and a great influence in my life, she also was very verbal about her strong belief in encouraging independence in her children. My ex boyfriends family was very well off so they had plenty of room and plenty of resources to keep their kids at home. Chores wouldn't really be an issue either since they had maids. Even so, his mom wanted them to be independent and start early and make their own mark on society, independent of her and her husband's success. Like me, my ex was off to college far away at 18 years old. Once he left, moving back home was not an option. His mother wouldn't allow it. It is not because she didn't love him but on the contrary, it is because she believed in him greatly and knew that coddling him or treating him like he is weaker than he is would not help him. It would only hurt him. My ex's mother achieved what she wanted because my ex and his sister are so successful. They've lived all over the world, both have gotten very prestigious educations, have had amazing jobs and they are happy. What she did was not only encourage independence but she was still there every step of the way and rooted them on and believed in them the whole time. A lot of parents (like mine) push you out the door and act like their job is done. It's pretty disheartening and can get pretty lonely too. I really admire my ex boyfriends mother and her model for raising her children. I wanted to share that with you to give you that perspective, which I think is ideal.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2015): I had to leave my house when I was 19. But that was because I went to college 2000 miles away. But my parents had a similar mentality to yours. They helped me get on my feet. Your college years away from home teach you and get you used to being independent. After that, you are pretty much on your own. I mean I left when I was 19 and have lived on my own since. I'm 33 now. Most of my friends have had the same experience. Left home at 18 or 19. Parents who nurture independence at an early age tend to have kids with a strong character and much more well adjusted and prepared for the ups and downs of life. They also tend to be much better problem solvers. I'm totally basing this statement on the way my friends who left home as a teen turned out. I've also noticed that people I know whose parents are more doting and lenient, who never gave them that push out the door that all the rest of us got, tend to be very sensitive and somewhat weaker in character. They also are not good problem solvers. I think it is because they are used to their parents figuring stuff out for them. That's been my observation based on my own personal experience with people. So yeah. Sounds like it's time. I say go for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2015): He should, as he earning money from his job, give you some money towards living with you if he would rather live where he is living than in his own apartment. Talk to him as to which he would prefer. As with chores, he should at least contribute some of his spare time to helping out with chores. Explain to him that as he lives with you either he gives up some money that he earns and helps out with chores or that he is better off living in his own apartment.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 January 2015):
 Sit him down, say HERE are the ground rules for living at home after 18.
1. you pay rent. XX $ You pay on the first of the month. Rent money goes to pay for the roof over your head, your wi-fi, food and other utilities.
2. THESE are your weekly chores - give him a list.
If you don't WANT to pay rent OR do chores, then you have 30-45 days to go find a room-mate situation or an apartment for yourself. YOU are 18, and want to be treated as an adult, with ADULTHOOD comes responsibilities, which includes these things (rent/chores). And AFTER the 30 days (or 45) if he hasn't done either 1 or 2 you tell him to pack up and get out. It seems harsh, but he knows better. I have NO doubt you have taught him better then this.
I'd start by cutting off his internet access.
I moved out at 18. Back in at 19 for 8 months (and PAYING rent, doing chores, working AND going to college) Moved out and then 4 years later moved back in for 6 months (again paying rent, doing chores and working full time).
At 25 I bought my first house (row-house) and my parents helped me with PART of the down payment, which I payed back over the next 2 years. And when I sold it at 28 my parents got a % of the profit I made (the market had gone up and I had done some nice improvements).
One thing more, DO you pay for his phone or does he? His car/car insurance? If you you do, I'd start making him pay and take responsibility. Otherwise he will stay with you and live OFF you as long as he can.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (17 January 2015):
 If you look at the rent for a basic one bedroom apartment and halve it or quatre it and say to him "I need more help around the house or I'm going to have to start charging you $___ rent a month." Don't have a go, keep it calm.I do wonder if you allowed him to not do many chores when he was growing up because that could be what lead to this situation. For example, I was taught to want to help out at home and my brother wasn't (I don't think it's a gender thing, just because I'm older) ever "forced" to do it or "punished" if he didn't, so I'm a young adult who helps out and cooks my own meals sometimes, and my brother is mid-teens and doesn't do anything for himself or anyone else unless really shouted at (which they don't do much because they don't want an argument). He, like your son, won't do any chores (and this may or may not apply to your son) because he grew up learning that he didn't have to as someone else would do it if he didn't.If you make him move out, it will most likely cause him trouble at school because he'd have to get a better job, maybe even drop out to get a full-time job. That doesn't mean you shouldnt kick him out of he doesn't change in, say, 3 or 4 months - either paying 1/4 or 1/2 the rent he would for a small place if he were to move out, or doing chores that you agree on.Remind him that, if he has to move out because he won't pay rent or do the chores you set (try using ones he doesn't mind doing), he'll have to pay rent AND do all of the chores in his new place. If he hasn't changed by month 2, go online and figure out the average he'd be spending a month in a small apartment, print it out and hand it to him. Don't explain it until he's read it (make it obvious on the sheet that it'a about expenses for one bedroom in a shared apartment or a one bedroom apartment).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2015): My son had ground rule from day one its just when he got older he began to slack off from house chores.My son is very obedient .My son just wants to be treated like the baby but like I told him he's not a baby any more I dont ask much of my son I just want him to see some responsibility in being an adult.What is 50.00 a month for rent I dont take all his money but he doesn't want to help at all that why I said its time for him to leave.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (17 January 2015):
Dear OP,
I tend to say that yes, you might be wrong by trying to look for an apartment for him, and I will state my reasons.
First, he's probably under a lot of stress, working and going to school. It's a great achievement and shows responsibility. If you throw him out, the money that he earns might not be enough for him to pay all his bills (I doubt that a part-time job at a burger joint is enough to make a living) and so his education might suffer, limiting his chances to have it better one day.
Do you really want that for your child?
Second, if he doesn't help you at home, age 19, it might be because you never really taught him to do that when he was younger. And family dynamics are hard to change once they are established. For instance, my father only taught my older brother how to repair a bycicle, since he's a boy. But in turn, it was only expected of me and my sister to do the dishes, because we're girls. Sure, when I was aged 20 and had a broken bike, my parents complained to me, saying I should repair it myself instead of always asking my brother (who didn't have time). Hm. Yes I know, I was a young adult. But it was mentally fixed in my mind that I can't repair bycicles and that it's also not my job to do that. It's hard to change the rules as a parent and it takes time to do that. You can't just come one day and say, "well, now you're 18, so you should be doing this and that". Responsibility is the fruit of good education and doesn't magically arise when you reach a certain age.
My advice is to work out a good solution for the three of you. I imagine that your son is not so happy with this arrangement either, because living with his mom and grandmother in a three room apartment doesn't sound like an attractive outlook on life for a young man. Maybe he even saves money so that he can move out ASAP. Ask him.
Sit down with him and talk seriously about the problems that you have with him. But also take a close look at all the good things he is doing and everything that makes you proud. If he perceives you as an always nagging person, he won't listen to your complaints anymore.
It would also help if you could specify your expectations towards him. It's not enough to say "well, you could also take out the trash every once in a while". It would be better to say, "okay son, tuesday is your busy day and you get home late, so it's okay if you don't do the dishes then, but I expect you to do them every wednesday".
And finally, a thought: Could there be some family dynamic that promotes anger and resentment between you two? Where is the father of your son? What kind of role model was he, how is your relationship with him? What is the relationship between you and your mother, you and him? Could it be that you two solidarised against your son, in a way? All these things could be a reason why it's hard for him to support you, and his denial of doing household chores might be a silent protest against an unfair situation that he perceives you put him in.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (17 January 2015):
I think asking your son to leave out of frustrating is wrong. Your son is going to school and working a minimum wage job to have cash in his pockets.
I would be very happy with the above. A lot of kids today are not doing both so you have obliviously been a good dad and have taught him some valuable lessons.
I would sit your son down and explain the importance of helping around the house. Set a list of chores that he has to do for the week. Explain there is an expectation of his help.
I lived with my mom and dad till I was married. I was almost 28. I and my husband paid for our own wedding. I had a career, with a good wage and I didn't pay rent. On my own I would purchase supplies needed for the house but they never once asked me to pay rent or leave. I loved my mom and dad for that. They helped me become a successful person in life. I own my own home and I am almost mortgage free. I have them to my house once a week for dinner and continue to purchase stuff they need without requesting money back. They took great care of me and in return I do the same.
Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2015): I think the problem here is you have a problem asserting your authority in your own home. You're letting him walk all over you, and he isn't respecting you as his mother. Let him come home one day with all his things packed, and suggest he find a place to live; if he doesn't feel he has any responsibility to help maintain the place he where he lives now. He should contribute to the household living expenses. You're obviously struggling to get by.
He sleeps there, drops his dirty laundry there, showers, uses the utilities when he's home, and sleeps under the very roof you provide. So what's stopping you from doing anything about all this?
If you ask him in a tiny voice, or nag with no consequences; you'll get what you're getting from him.
Nothing!
You can be timid and make whiny little suggestions, or make idle threats. Back them up with authority and take a stance.
THROW HIM OUT AND STOP BEING HIS MOMMY!
He's a bum, and he's letting you know you're just a female who can talk, but can't back up anything you say. If you're too timid, get some manpower behind your words.
Give him written notice to vacate the premises within the legal time-frame prescribed by law in your state. Seek legal advice and do everything within the confines of the law. He has to learn a lesson. He doesn't respect women!
If he refuses, get a marshal or a male relative to help you to evict the bum!
Yes, he's a bum! If he doesn't clean-up after himself, respect the wishes of his mother, share the chores; or help pay the bills! He's a freeloader living in your tiny apartment, and letting you know there isn't a thing you can do about it. He is literally challenging your authority.
Something tells me he may have learned it all from his absentee father. Please forgive my presumption; if you're widowed.
Regardless, no son who loves and respects his mother would treat her this way. He'd give every dime he had and do all he could to help you and his grandmother. He won't do a thing; because you won't put your foot down. He seems to have a strong sense of entitlement.
Exactly what kind of advice can anyone give you, if you take no authority in your own home and allow your kid to disrespect you? No one on this site can do it for you!
He's not a little boy anymore. He's not 21, but he's over 18!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 January 2015):
 I don't think you're wrong if he's not pulling his own weight around the house. I started paying rent right after I graduated high school. Wasn't a massive amount, but I also kept my room clean and picked up after myself in the common areas as well.
I think you shouldn't look for an apartment FOR him. If you want him to behave like an adult, you need to start treating him like one. Tell him that to live at home, if he isn't paying the rent he would be living on his own, he needs to contribute in other ways, because food, utilities, internet, they all cost money. He either needs to pay rent and contribute financially, OR he needs to "barter" services, such as chores or other upkeep activities, such as housekeeping, or dishes, his own laundry, or grocery shopping, or minor repairs, or something that can be scheduled. If he lived on his own, he'd be responsible for all of the housekeeping PLUS he'd be paying all of his own expenses.
If he wants to be an adult, he needs to address responsibility as well as freedom. You've been doing his laundry, cooking his meals, going grocery shopping for his food, and that's all treating him like a child. I get that you're tired of it and believe you've put in your time, and I AGREE WITH YOU!
You need to talk to him and tell him that entering adulthood with a job making money and living at home comes with the same price that it does the rest of us who live and support ourselves and our families:
If he doesn't comply, give him a written 30-day notice (or whatever it is legally in your state) to move out of the house, and let HIM go apartment searching or finding a home or roommate situation. If you go looking for him, that's treating him like a child again.
Write down the list of chores you want to negotiate with him to do and talk over what is fair for him to continue living there and eating your food that you pay for.
OR
Negotiate a rent situation, make him pay for his utilities, groceries, and write up a tenant agreement that includes "right of quiet enjoyment", meaning he can't trash the common areas or leave his dishes all over the place unwashed.
Does this help?
I know my mom was as frustrated with my younger brother as you sound like you are with your son. My older brother moved out at 19 years old only to move back in a year and a half later a changed guy and stayed until he was married at age 26., helping out a lot more since he got a taste of the real cost of living. I stayed at home, paid rent, and when I moved out at 20 years old in my second year of college, that was it.
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