A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is kind of a long one but i need to tell the whole story in order to get advice.A bit of history first. My boyfriend and i and been going out for 3 years. We are looking for a house to rent in June and this will be our first real home together. We are currently living at his mothers house. I visit my family (who live 100 miles away once a month) and i own the car.It all began three weeks ago.....I went to visit my family at the weekend and so i had the car. On the Saturday night i asked my BF to text me to let me know he got home safe as he had to walk home from work which is about 30 mins walk. It got to 2am and he normally gets home from work at midnight (he works at a restaurant/bar). I phoned him as i began to worry and he picked up. It was clear he was on a night out and he quickly put the phone down without a word. I tried to ring again but the phone was switched off and remained that way until the morning. Now i have a bit of a problem with feeling insecure and he promised me that he would text if he went out. So i had this feeling in my stomach that things weren't right. When he answered the phone the next morning he said he went out to a leaving do and only two male friends went with him from his work place. I left it at that.Fast forward two weeks.......My BF asked me to text his brother as he tried to phone my BF while he was driving. On his recently used contacts was the name "Rosie". I instantly got that horrible feeling in my stomach again. I asked him who "Rosie" was and he said that she was the sister of a friend who had come into the restaurant for a meal and he phoned her because she didn't say bye when she left. This sounded odd to me because he never had "Rosie" on his phone before and how did he get her number (this he said was the first time he had seen her)? Anyway i trusted him and left it at that.Fast forward to Wednesday....My BF took my phone and started checking it. So i took his (stupid i know) and he snatched it off me. He then deleted all his sent messages. I asked what was going on and he said that his boss had text him about the night out two weeks ago and he didn't want me to get upset. His boss doesn't like me so i asked if he was calling me names etc. He said yes and although i again got the feeling he was lying i left it at that.This weekend (Saturday).......My BF came in from work at 11.30PM and he came in and asked me if it was ok if he went out that night. I said i didn't mind and asked who he was going out with. again he just said the same two guys as last time. 5AM he came in and i knew something was wrong. I went to the bathroom and (i know this is stupid) i checked his phone again. He had deleted everything and hadn't even bothered to hid the fact that he has just deleted it all that night as it was still on that screen. I was very upset at this point because everything pointed to him cheating on me. I started to pack my bags and he woke up. He admitted that "Rosie" was the reason he was deleting the texts and that she had been on both nights out. Then he told me she had been working at the restaurant all the time (3 weeks) and he had lied to me. I walked out.I came back as i had decided to leave him and stay in a hotel but i wanted an explanation first. To cut a long story shorter he explained thathe had lied to me once then dug himself deeper. He said he was not cheating with her and it was stupid of him to lie. Now i want to know what you think of this. Do i believe that he is telling the truth now? He is of course still working with her and i am hating it. I asked him to delete her number but he asked me why. She text him Sunday morning asking him if he wanted a lift in to work, i got upset and he told her no. I don't know what to do now. I feel threatened and like i am second best. She is 18 and i am 23, it makes me feel like i am not good enough. I had troubles trusting before but i worked through it and i got better, now he has sent me straight back to the beginning again. I want to see her and tell her to back off but i am a coward and i don't know if anything has actually happened so i could look a fool.(I forgot to say my dad cheated on my mum and i have seen all the signs before which is why i am afraid he possibly did cheat on me).I don't really know what i am asking but could someone please give me some advice? I am sorry its a long story.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your great advice. Most of you feel the same way i do. I really don't know if i can trust him and i have told him this. And i really don't know what the future holds right now. I am going to carefully think about what he has done and see if there is any future for "us". I have also asked if i can go on a night out with "Rosie" and he has agreed, so i will see what happens there too. It may be a couple of weekends before i update but i will let you all know what is going on. Thank you all again x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): I respectfully disagree with anybody (including yourself OP) who says that all your boyfriends shady behavior can be pinned down to your insecurities. As humans we all have then in varying degrees and they manifest themselves in different ways. But that doesn't mean that we should abandon common sense and most of all gut instinct and intuition! Those attributes are within every person to guide and guard you and to simply disregard them is a fools journey! No matter the circumstance or excuse, your partner should not be lying to you especially where another female is involved! If he wanted to "spare your feelings" then a rational person wouldve just not bothered with Rosie in the first place. Everybody knows the right things and wrong things to do in a relationship. People stumble and fall here and there but blatant lies, deleting text messages, ignoring phonecalls, creating elaborate lie upon elaborate lie...that's just unacceptable and has nothing to do with your insecurities. Deep down you know the truth. All that remains to be seen is what you are gonna do with this information? Stick it out with someone who lies to you then uses your weaknesses and insecurities against you to justify it or walk away and take your fragile heart with you to protect it from further pain! Trust your instincts OP! And best of luck to you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): I don't think his story or his behavior add up to anything more than cheating.
It's just not the way that you treat those you love.
Yes, you are insecure, but you are insecure because of what you have seen, heard, and felt, and it amplifies the knowledge you have about your dad cheating on your mom...you recognize the signs.
There is probably more to the story, but how much more is the question. You have a hard choice to make, do you trust, or do you not trust?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): short and simple: sounds like he's lyring to you. he's probably not telling you the truth. he's been shady. and he's been shady for a reason. something went on. i wouldn't buy the sugar-coating BS he's trying to give you. he's giving you a very one-sided version so he doesn't look completely guilty.
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A
female
reader, matureflowerx +, writes (3 May 2011):
 I agree with aunt honesty about the part that he invite you to meet her. I would dismiss the fact that anything is happening between them just yet as if it was friendly chat then he would have no reason to delete all of his texts. I am sure you know this as well. But when you see the way they interact together you will have a better idea of what sort of relationship they have. The way I see it is if there was nothing between them then why did he deny she was there in the first place and then hide all evidence of their conversations. Both me and my partner were a little insecure and the way we worked around it was to be completely honest with each other about everything so there was no nasty suprises and it built our trust which is now extremly strong. I hope everything works out for you and that they are just friends. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Sweetie if I am honest with you i think it might just be your insecurites. Your boyfriend knew you had trust issues and he probably didnt want to let you know that some girl from work was texting and hanging out with him. He probably lied to cover it up because he knew it would probably make you insecure, but yes that was the wrong thing to do because now he has made you worse.
I think the only way that this can be settled is to ask him to bring you out on a night out with them so that you can meet this rosie girl and see for yourself that nothing is going on. If he doesnt agree to this well then you are probably right about him having something to hide.
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