A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:two unrelated questions. I am probably breaking up with my bf of five yr, each other's firsts, lived together for a yr. I expect it to be devastating and I'm terrified to do it but I feel like I have to (don't really want to get into it here). He's everything I have here in this town and almost my life, so I expect it to be probably the one of the more painful experiences and I'm sure I'll have to fight calling him and reconnecting with him to avoid the pain and loneliness it's going to cause. At what point is breakup recovery taking too long? is there ever a point you can start trusting that you want to get back together because you made a mistake and genuinely want them back in your life, rather than just wanting to avoid the pain and loneliness of being alone? Two years? If I am able to move on without him, how long would a RESPECTABLE man be willing to wait for sex so I avoid the 'I thought he liked me but only wanted sex'. I'm thinking 2-6 months. is that reasonable? [I'd put that disclaimer up front so he knew what he was getting into]--mostly a question for the men.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 "is there ever a point you can start trusting that you want to get back together because you made a mistake and genuinely want them back in your life, rather than just wanting to avoid the pain and loneliness of being alone"
It isn't a time limit, it depends on each individual. But the time is when you are over them. If you then fall in love with each other again, from scratch and not built on old emotions (!!!) it is ok.
A man is not just looking for sex. Some men are, but to my experience there are a ton of decent guys out there not looking for sex. But you need to be respectable yourself before they will cross your path. If you choose to sleep around hoping that ONE guy will stick with you, you're on the wrong path. The question is more: how long do YOU want to wait before you think it is respectable? Do you want to wait 6 months before having sex with a man you are in love with, or will it be unbearable as you might want to tear his clothes off with your teeth after two months?
A respectable man will wait or not wait for as long as it takes I suppose. He can still be respectable even if he has sex with you on the very first day you meet, although you'd have to be a good people person to be able to tell. I guess you aren't experienced with men, so I will give you the fail-safe guide-line. However, as you get more confident you can variate with the rules and follow your gut instincts.
The basic guideline is this: wait until you are in an official relationship and in love. I have a personal rule of waiting two weeks into an official relationship before intercourse. The only time I waited longer was when the relationship started with the man being overseas, and I had to wait for 3 months. To me, 3 months is way too long. With my current boyfriend, and the boyfriends before him too for that matter, it was difficult enough to wait one week as we were so much in love and crazy about each other.
But then again.. when a man is crazy about you you know it, he will show it, and you also know he's not crazy just for sex, but for YOU. And you will be equally crazy about him. If you're not crazy about him then don't have sex with him... quite simple.
A few guidelines for how to spot a man who is just in it for sex: he tells you he wants sex, or talks about sex a lot. He looks at your breasts when he talks to you. He wants to touch you, or kiss you, his hands will be wandering. He doesn't take a sincere interest in you as a person, and he definitely does not want to meet your friends and family. He's often a random stranger you don't know too well, and when you ask him about his relationship status he might be giving you a sad crappy story about being dumped, or he could give you vague answers to cover up that he already has a girlfriend. He will constantly hint at you being in bed with him, try to get you to snuggle with him on the couch, or bed, try to give you massages (touching you) and be physical, all this without being in an official relationship of course.
If you're in an official relationship these things are to be expected, you don't want a man who never touches you just because you want to wait with sex... Because if he doesn't want to touch you before you have sex he most likely won't be much interested later either. That's the downfall of waiting too long: the relationship becomes a platonic friendship.
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