A
female
age
41-50,
*esperateForSomeInsight
writes:I met a guy on a dating site about four months ago. After seeing each other for awhile, we also became intimate. I usually went to his place every other day and stayed over. We usually watched movies together; had dinner; had great sex; etc. I am moving to the East Coast soon for six months and he knew that from the beginning. He was cool with that and made some future plans with the two of us such as visiting each other back and forth while being apart. He is still talking about "our future" these days. He has been looking for a full-time job for since I met him and that's what stressing him out. I still hang out with him, but it's like a once every two weeks deal. He picks me up and we head to a restaurant or movies. He drops me off in front of my house door without even being interested in coming up to my place. All I get is a hug and kiss. I haven't been intimate with him for weeks. When I sometimes text, IM, or email him, he ignores me. I hear back from him a few days later. I have also noticed that he has been visiting those dating sites a lot where he is also updating his profile frequently. So I don't understand. When he has time to go on those sites 24/7, then shouldn't he have some time to send me a quick message or be out there seriously looking for a job. I asked him several times if he is seeing someone else. He replied with a no and that being unemployed would just freak him out. I'm trying to be there for him because I like and care for him a lot. I haven't done anything stupid with another guy. But, how can I be sure that he has been faithful to me as well? Can a guy survive without having sex for more than six weeks? Or, is he getting it from some other girls he might have met on those dating sites? If so, why would he still want to hang out with me without being intimate and why would he talk about our future?
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female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (31 August 2008):
 I get the impression that the relationship wasn't really defined at the beginning...if you two were going to be exclusive etc.
It seems that he thought of this more as a casual dating situation rather than a serious relationship.
Finding him on a dating site would have been grounds for dumping as it shows he wasn't serious and was still out looking.
I agree about not putting all your eggs in one basket with the next guy you may meet. Hold off on the physical and keep dating others. Read some books like the rules and mars and venus on a date books. It will help you set boundaries.
Guys have figured out what to say to keep the sex supply coming. Talking about the future and other things we like to hear but his actions are what count. His actions were flaky and showed he wasn't really serious.
Best wishes xo
A
female
reader, Deema  +, writes (31 August 2008):
 Well same old chestnut honey. Men always want what they can't have. They love the chase and the challenge, so when you disappear they get interested all over again, then you go through the dumping, or being dumped all over again. Read 'The Rules' its all explained in there. Its all about keeping your self-respect, its not games. Its making your life the best it canbe and not waiting around for another to make you happy - it just aint gonna happen. For some reason us girls are great at giving up everything as soon as a man comes along, and fitting our lives round theirs. We think thats being loving and nurturing - they think its being a doormat. So get up off the floor kid. You deserve better. Lotsaluv and blessings xxxx
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A
female
reader, DesperateForSomeInsight +, writes (30 August 2008):
DesperateForSomeInsight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just don't get it. After 4 weeks of no signs of him, he emailed me with "Hi, are you still going to come stay with me the last few weeks you are here?" I put my profile back on those dating sites and I noticed that he's been checking on me. What's wrong with this guy?
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (14 August 2008):
Well the universe ALWAYS shows us whats going on, we never really have to look too hard, it just drops right in front of our eyes. Sometimes I wonder why we worry cus everything is always brought to us at the right time and space. So....... you got your proof, and good for you - you got to be the dumper, far better than being rejected by him. Yes it will be a little sad for a short time - but don't beat yourself up or think you were a fool, its all part of lifes rich tapestry and makes us who we are. We learn our lessons this way, hard as they may be. Glad you got the guts to pick yourself up and do whats right for you. Now you get out there girl and have some fun. You deserve it. Good luck. P.S. you won't be crying for long, someone much better will come along veeeeery soon. x
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A
female
reader, DesperateForSomeInsight +, writes (14 August 2008):
DesperateForSomeInsight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is my update. I could have just done something fun in the meantime or waiting for me. But, I need clarification so I emailed him last night telling him that we needed to talk and that we should meet sometime after 6PM. I know that if a guy reads the message 'we need to talk' he might be scared because it can't be anything good. But, if he were the man, he would have had the guts to face me. He never responded, but I saw him online on match.com and added some new girls on his myspace friends list. I deleted him from my account and am moving on. I cried, talked to my best friends, and now I'm feeling much better. I know that it will take some more time to heal my wounds. At least, with all the fun I'm going to have before I leave, I will have a lot of distractions. Thank you!!!!
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (11 August 2008):
Well it doesn't seem to be doing your self-esteem any good waiting around for him, so why not forget him for the time being, keep him in a little box at the back of your mind, then get on and make yourself happy in whatever way you choose. Then if he comes back to you or not it won't matter so much cus he won't be your main focus, you'll have other more interesting things going on. You may find your interest in him goes altogether once you start to see the world out there and doing stuff to make you feel good. Who knows who else is waiting out there too? Go for it girl. Life is too short to sit round waiting for someone who may never show. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, DesperateForSomeInsight +, writes (11 August 2008):
DesperateForSomeInsight is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you cupidguy, Deema, & replacement! I really do hope that things will work out and that he is really acting this way because of having no job or boredom at home when everybody else is at work. We both don't live far away from each other. I am 34 years and my guy is 41 years old. Yes, I will be back after six months. My guy even offered me to store my stuff at his place and to move in with him for my last few weeks I'm here so I don't have to stay at a hotel once I give up my apartment. I know that he was on yahoo messenger this morning, but appeared "offline" to me again. I haven't heard back from him for more than a week even though I contacted him with a brief 'hello, how are you?'. Should I just leave him alone and not take his offer of staying at his place? Or should I accept it so I can see how he is behaving when I'm around him most of the time?
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (10 August 2008):
This is a sticky one. Those sites can be innocent but can also be very tricky too. Why is he chasing other girls so hard when he has you? I know boredom and lack of work is a great problem and boredom leads people to go seeking things they wouldn't be seeking if they were otherwise occupied. It could be innocent, or it could be thats his nature. Some people just seek constant thrill all the time. One person is never enough. Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Time will show you what that is - that if you got time. Difficult one. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (10 August 2008):
 Of course a guy can survive without sex for six weeks... not happily mind you, but it's doable. If he's really stressed out then chances are sex is one of the last things on his mind.
But it is concerning that this stuff is going on so early in your relationship. Usually at the beginning, it's a non-stop sex romp (or at least, more frequent than once every six weeks). He may really want to be with you, but it could be bad timing. If the problems persist, maybe take a break while he gets everything sorted and you can pick up where you left off once the chaos is over.
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