A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in the best relationship I have been in, but there is one little issue...My boyfriend is 24 (I am 22). He is German and I often travel to Germany to be with him, usually staying 1-3 months at a time. The rest of the time I travel a lot for work, usually for 2-3 months at a time as I am a travel photographer.The issue is that he lives with his mother. She is a super nice person but sometimes my boyfriend wants to do things with his friends and leaves me alone with her in the house. Like I said, she is a nice person, but we don't really "click". I suffer from social anxiety and never know what to do when he leaves me in the house, I have told him it bothers him but he always assumes I don't like his family when that is not the issue at all. The problem is that I am in someone else's home and I feel very, very awkward. I tend to stay locked in the room because I don't have the guts to go downstairs and be like "heeeey, whats up?!) and I also don't really want to - I am quite a "shy" person and I like having time for my own and we are usually around her or other people 24/7.It really bothers me, but I don't know what to do about it :( He will move out eventually, and I would then actually enjoy visiting and having a bit of time to myself, but right now I HATE it when he does it because I feel so uncomfortable. I know I can't ask him to be with me every single second just because I feel awkward but... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 October 2017):
 Sorry, maybe I am being too rigid but I don't think that shyness and awkwrdness are a sufficient excuse for incivility.
You go as their guest for 1-3 months at a time ( ! ) and can't, ( but I mean seriously " can't ", not just " prefer not " ) bring yourself to pop up downstairs to say " Hi, what's up ? " ( or even better: Can I help you with something ? Shall I help you with cooking dinner , or washing dishes ? ). Then, too bad, but you also can't be their guest, and for such extended periods of time. Cut the length of your visits and rent yourself a studio, or an airBanB room, where you will be free to ignore whomever you want since you are paying money for your freedom and privacy.
But since this lady is not your landlord , or an innkeeper, if you want to stay rent free at hers I think you should resign yourself to "pay " your stay by the relative discomfort to put on a sporadic,short apparition the times when your bf is not there.
If you want to lower the number of these occasions, you can and should, - why should your bf be your only entertainment and link to the external world only because you are in Germany ? In Germany too they have excellent movie theaters, libraries, public lectures, readings , community events, church concerts etc. etc. ( and notice that I am not mentioning anything possibly a bit daunting like , say, going to a restaurant by yourself ).
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (30 October 2017):
 Just think of yourself when you're at your best and most positive.
Think of all the things you achieved in your life and all the things you do, to get by each day.
Now try to use this positivity to start making a connection with your bfs Mother.
You don't have to say too much at all, but you should show some courtesy and respect, if you're sleeping, eating, living under her roof and for a long while too.
You don't have to talk to her all day long, all night long, nor would she expect you to, but i'm sure she wonders why you don't make the effort to be more open/friendly and to actually appear more approachable.
Remember, YOU are staying at HER home, so you are expected to show HER the courtesy, not the other way around.
If you behave as simply, YOURSELF, she will come to see a different side of you and hopefully this will strengthen your friendly bond.
Don't be shy, don't feel shy, just do your best to show a bit more of yourself within her home.
You cannot be everywhere with your bf and you certainly cannot stop him from going out if/when he must, so you're going to have to change your tactic here, because your current situation isn't working.
Remember also, your mind is the most powerful tool that you possess and if you tell yourself you cannot do this or that, chances are, you won't be able to.
If you change your negative thoughts into positive thoughts, you will be able to do the right thing by you and by your bf'S Mother.
Your bf's Mother will come to see that you're a nice and respectable person, who is actually interested in her as a person too.
It's not just about your bf here, because his Mother is clearly a big part of HIS life and after all, she did give birth to him.
The guy that you love. Think about that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2017): You have to learn to overcome your anxiety. It's not supposed to run your life. If you can muster the calmness to get a boyfriend; then you can manage to be at-ease when alone with his mother.
How rude of you to lock yourself away from her in her own home! Yet you can leave your house to be with him for 2-3 months at a time?!!
Seriously?!!
I think you're too attached to your boyfriend; and wherever he goes you must be there too. If not, then you'd rather be alone waiting.
Oh no, you had better work-on being more socially interactive. You're not supposed to succumb to your anxieties, you're supposed to fight to get them under control.
If you have a job (which also requires travel!!!); you are around people. Many of whom are strangers. If you can handle that; it seems strange you feel uneasy alone with one nice lady.
Some people with social disorders use them in manipulative ways. They walk around expecting the environment to adjust to them. Sorry, it's the other way around. We adapt to our environment.
They expect people around them to cater to their issues; but that's not how the world works.
The purpose of the therapy you receive is to help you to cope with the anxieties; and to do your best to control your anxiousness or phobias.
One nice lady shouldn't be that much trouble to deal with. She's the one who gave birth to the guy you love so much.
So deal with it!
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (29 October 2017):
Stop staying in his home. Or when he goes out with friends go out on your own exploring. Or ask his mother if she would accompany you to so local attractions.
This woman opens her home to you for three months at a crack and you treat her like an enemy rather than trying to “click” with her.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 October 2017):
 Short answer: learn to overcome your social anxiety and perhaps consider shorter trips. 1-3 months is a long time to spend in someone else's house, whether they're there or not. Especially if you're doing it often.
Food for thought OP, and this is coming from a shy person, is that your social anxiety is a form of narcissism. When you feel SELF-conscious, your focus is almost entirely on SELF. All those doubts in your head are all about how YOU look, feel or come across to others, how uncomfortable YOU are, how YOU want to go home or hide. There is almost no thought put into what OTHERS might think or feel or want.
How do you suppose your boyfriend's mother feels about having a house guest who stays sometimes for up to 3 months but clearly doesn't want to talk to her?
Overcoming your anxiety is a process but it can be done.
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