A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:After about 4 years my girlfriend and I broke up. It wasn’t one that I wanted at all as I was ready to purpose She has distanced herself but not totally as we still have some contact I have informed her that I am moving and we are supposed to meet to say goodbye. This is all very hard for me as I still love her very much but will admit that at times she has acted very shady She says that the reason is because she is depressed every day and is in no shape for a relationship and has been torn about telling me how she cares for me deeply but doesn’t have the same feelings I do I guess I can’t understand why it took 4 years to figure that out. She has told me she loved me every day till recently. We met to talk and she seemed down so I cheered her up. Afterward I kept catching her looking at me out of the corner of my eye. I told her that I don’t understand how you go from loving me to not loving me in a short amount of time. She said she does love me just not like I love her and it’s not fair to me. She says she’s tired of feeling depressed every day and needs to work on herself. I guess what I want to know is am I making a mistake by moving? I still love her very much but I don’t know anyone here but her. Am I seeing something that isn’t there and maybe she is just making excuses so I won’t hate her? She said I’m not in a relationship and don’t care to be. Is this all just a smoke screen to keep me from knowing what she’s really been up to. At the end our sex life really suffered but the month before she sent me a really racy phot and I can’t figure out why someone would do that if they were thinking about how they didn’t really love me. Please advise
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2017): OP, breaking up is always hard to do and everyone understands that. There is another part of breaking up - which is healing and letting go. If you don't you will become obsessed with why it broke up and you won't be able to let it go and move on. You need to accept that it is over. It is hard but what you are doing is not going to help.1. I am not trying to be harsh with you but I would like you to understand that you do NOT trust this woman. If you once DID you don't now. In your last comment you state that you trusted her implicitly. However, in your second comment you said you accused her of cheating AFTER the break-up because there were Signs. In your first comment you comment that her behaviour was 'shady'. The fact that you were noticing 'Signs' (noted and stored up in your memory and then unleashed at her post-relationship) shows that you were suspicious of her during your time together but didn't act on it. So, were you always trusting of her?? You were suspicious then and you are suspicious now. IF you WERE trusting, you would NOT raise it at all. Ok...let's say that you caught her cheating when you were going out with her? What would've happened? She admits it, you get angry and then what? Would you have stayed with her? Only you can answer that. Now that it is over and you have broken up she is NO longer accountable to you at all. She is not in an exclusive relationship with you. Please try and understand boundaries.2. It is not just about you. There were TWO people in the relationship and each side counts EQUALLY. Being heart-broken does not give you the right to hound your ex-partner for answers about IF she cheated on you and who she is NOW going out with. IF she did cheat on you - you're no longer going out with a lying cheater (result!) and if she hasn't cheated on you - you won't believe her (toxic!).3. We aunts cannot know the full scope of everything that was said and everything that was done between the two of you. We cannot second guess her motives, her background, what she may or may not be thinking, what is going on for her, ALL we can go on are the facts, as you present them to us. She has told you it is over, she does not love you the way you love her, she has not cheated on you and she is not seeing anyone else. YOU...are claiming to be still in love with her and YOU want it to continue but she has ended it.4. Let's say she agrees to go back out with you. YOU don't trust her. When you ask someone if they cheated on you what you are actually saying is this: I believe you have cheated on me BUT I can't prove it. Telling you that she hasn't cheated doesn't make the suspicion go away and it won't. You would always, at some point, ask her again...and again..and again...I really do wish you the best of this but second-guessing what may be going through a female mind does not provide answers for what is going through this INDIVIDUAL'S mind. Only SHE knows and if she is not willing to tell you her full motives (if she hasn't already) then that is HER choice not to do so for whatever reason she chooses. If you want to keep hounding her with..what's really going on...what's really going on...then that is completely your call and if she tolerates that, then that is her call too. Be well...and I hope you get closure...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comments femmenoir. I was hoping for a woman’s perspective. She told me she doesn’t feel for me as I do for her. I asked if this was that thing where she loves me but isn’t in love with me and she immediately answered no. She said I still love you but not like you love me she also said she doesn’t want me to go but knows I’m alone here plus the long hours I’m currently workin prevent me from seeing my family and friend. Most especially I miss my daughter very much. She is 27 but I raised her and we have a very close relationship her second x husband drank himself to death after she left. Her fiancé before him did the same. Sometimes I think she’s pushing me away to save herself from feeling that again of course her BFF is also an alcoholic and followers her everywhere I know it’s time to let go but it’s hard Plus I always trusted her implicitly. She brought up to me once that she knows what it looks like but she’s not cheating when we were still together I’ve never doubted her or questioned her until the complete change in her just a couple of months ago. Then the times she’s told me she was busy at work or had a headache seemed like excuses
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (2 November 2017):
 I do agree with the first readers reply, but i'm also looking at this from another angle too.
Why? Because i'm female and i know that often women do what they do and behave as they behave, because of personal feelings.
You should have placed 100% trust within your relationship at the time, because this may be part of the issue.
If both men/women don't trust 100%, then you don't have any love, because both trust and love go hand in hand.
UNLESS, someone you love gives you good reason to not trust them anymore, you actually should place 100% trust in them.
You owe them that honour and courtesy.
It's funny though, because from a general standpoint, it's usually women who can't see the connect between trust=love.
Men will always tell you, if you don't trust me, then you don't love me, which means we have nothing.
I don't mean to sound sexist, however, as a guy, i'm surprised you aren't looking at things from this angle.
I don't know how you both met, the full nature of your relationship, nor anything about your respective pasts prior to getting together, however, it may also be that there is something that she wasn't getting within your relationship at the time, hence her painful decision to break up with you.
She may even have been bothered by something from your past, for eg: a previous relationship that you had, something that she has found out about you, or something that she dislikes about you, or about the two of you as a couple.
You know, the truth is, women in general are very jealous creatures, especially when they're in a relationship.
The fact that you caught her looking at you, out of the corner of your eye and the fact that she sent you a racy image of herself is a bit strange.
I do know, if a woman is totally off a guy and wants nothing more to do with him, she would never send him a racy image.
She is sending you mixed signals there and yes, i can and do understand your confusion.
She may be playing/messing with your head because she herself is somewhat confused about her true feelings and her current state of mind.
Her behaviour toward you is actually a reflection of how she herself is seeing herself and feeling at present.
If you still love this woman and if you still wish to be with her, why don't you ring her and tell her you wish to get together and talk?
The longer you wait, the worse the outcome.
If she truly wants to get on with her life, then respect/allow her her space to move on, however, if she too, still loves you, then you'll find out for once and for all.
Either way, finding out, however good/bad the outcome will bring you the closure you so need.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all. Yes she is a single woman and what she does now is none of my buisness. I only accuse after the breakup because there were Signs. She denied it and I let it go and said fine also she had already told me that she know it looks like she is cheating but wasn’t and I said nothing then except that I trust you. I havnt lived her for four years we started as a long distance relationship. I lived five hours away. I have lived here a little over a year. It wasn’t a spur of the moment move but one we talked about for six months we were on the same page until a few months ago. I accepted the breakup but it is admittedly hard to let go got it. This is a woman who just before this all went down rolled over in bed staring at me and said I love you. It was sincere so yeah I’m a little confused. Maybe I am making this about me but isn’t that what heart broken people do especially when they have sacrificed and put forth extreme effort into maintaining a relationship
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): Hello there. Let's try and break this down.1. You two have broken up so she is now a single woman and can do exactly what she wants to do. She doesn't owe you anything. She is a free woman allowed to do as she wants. Do you understand this?2. She has informed you that she is not in love with you and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. She has told you she is depressed and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. She has told you she cares for you - enough to meet up to say goodbye - but not enough to stay in a relationship with you.Whether she is lying or not lying, you two are no longer in a relationship. It is over.3. You are moving away. Are you moving away because the relationship is over or were you moving way before the relationship was over? 4. You say after four years of going out with her you were ready to propose. So you were ready to propose and she was ready to end it. How do you think you got on such different pages? One wants to marry and one wants to leave.5. You really are suspicious of this person you claim to love. You just don't trust her. She say at times she has acted very 'shady'. Obviously not enough to end the relationship but to make you feel suspicious and still think about it. You think that her saying to you that she loves you but not in the same way is a tactic so you won't hate her. Have you considered that she has told you she is not in love you and has ended the relationship. It is over. Not a tactic but the truth.6. You are making this about YOU. Should you stay because YOU love her (although you are no longer in a relationship) and she is the only person you know. (In four years??) Why is that? So, you will stay and constantly hound her 'as friends'? Constantly hound her why she doesn't love you? Constantly hound her if there is someone else. That would be enough to depress me. leave her alone.7. You've basically asked her if she is with someone else and she has told you no. If she is...it is none of your business. You are now both single.So, I know breaking up is painful but you have got to let this go and move on.
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