A
male
age
30-35,
*andalf55555
writes:I have a serious jealousy problem. I cannot control it.There's this guy that my girlfriend is friends with; I don't even know the kid, I've never met him, and I hate his guts. I don't know why but whenever even his name comes up in a conversation, I just see red and really get angry. I don't know why it happens. I know some people say a little jealousy is healthy, but this is a serious problem. I don't know how to control myself. Sometimes I think about just finding this guy and really hurting him. I just don't know what else to do. I'm not going to tell my girlfriend that she can't see him, because that's just too possessive. But I don't know what else to do.Please help.
View related questions:
jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, gandalf55555 +, writes (7 July 2007):
gandalf55555 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thanks for all the advice, but things have taken a turn for the worst. The guy went to her house one day during the week, and he asked her to hug him, and as she went to, he pulled her towards him and kissed her - holding her there so she couldn't pull away. Well, I thought that was all that happened. But yesterday she told me that she didn't actually try to pull away. And also, he went to her house AGAIN during the week, they went for a walk and he repeatedly asked her to get off with him, she kept saying no because she was going out with me but he kept asking, so eventually she gave in and got off with him. Yesterday she told me about this and I couldn't believe it. She said I deserve someone better, and that she didn't love me as much as she did because if she did, she wouldn't have given in. The worst part is...this guy has ruined our relationship, and she STILL wants to be friends with him. I'd never been more angry and humiliated in my whole life. We've broken up now, and the only thing left for me to do is find this guy... I know you're all gonna tell me not to, but that is the only way I'm gonna be able to forget about this. Thanks for all the advice everyone, but nothing is gonna change my mind now. It's over. And it's all down to him...
A
female
reader, love-him  +, writes (6 July 2007):
 U need 2 stop talkin like u wud kill him n makin threats on here.. seriously.. rite well shes said that to you.. what the hell are u doing still with her.. if she actualy said to you if i wasnt with u i wud go out wiv him.. wot the hell r u stil wiv her.. theres ur answer.. u shud trust her.. if not.. dont b in that relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lia +, writes (6 July 2007):
 Your girlfriend said she'd date him if she wasn't with you? What are you still doing with her, dude? You can do SO much better! Instead of focusin on how much you hate that guy, he's done nothing wrong here! I think you deserve a lot better, so find the girl who won't make you feel jealous or insecure.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (5 July 2007):
 Wow! You DO have a jealousy problem don't you? You need to take control of this. Do you think your girlfriend would love you all the more if you harmed this guy? Exactly!! Come on wisen up here. Don't let him get the better of you.
Feelings such as jealousy are based on fear and do not come from love at all, we say we feel like this BECAUSE we love the person but this isn't the case at all. Jealousy comes from wanting to possess and wanting to own or have. One cannot own another being or even the mind of another being. One being cannot live for another. Remember that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear immobilizes and makes it virtually impossible for people to think effectively because it bypasses the pre frontal cortex and goes directly to your right brain emotional center and is thus not even analyzed first!
Feelings such as guilt and worry are in the same category. See what benefits you could possibly derive from sitting in your favourite chair and contemplating as well as experiencing these feelings intensely for a few hours? None of course because they do not deliver any benefit other than getting you into an even greater state of fear. So you see, that jealousy, guilt, fear and worry all belong in the trash bin because they do not deliver any benefit whatsoever. Love on the other hand will get you to understand and be less fearful. This in turn will make it possible for you to experience joy and bliss.
Remember always: You have a mind, your feelings come from your mind therefore you can control your feelings. In other words, YOU are in charge and nobody else. YOU determine the future. And you become what you THINK.
Next time she mentions him, count to 10 in your head so you can THINK before you talk to her. Tell yourself that he's not worth it. Show your girlfriend you love her, even agree with some of the things she says re him and say things like "that was nice", "you sounded as if you had a good time" etc. She may just be rubbing things in to MAKE you jealous so again, don't fall into the trap. Jealousy is a horrible emotion that only makes the one being jealous seem really insecure and unattractive so really concentrate to control it and kick it into the trash bin where it belongs.
Eve
Eve
...............................
A
male
reader, gandalf55555 +, writes (5 July 2007):
gandalf55555 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt the moment I'm not bothered about anger management, all I'm worried about is keeping my girlfriend. We've argued about this before, and that's another reason I hate him, because from my point of view, it's him that's causing us to argue (but it's probably me). Also, when she first mentioned him, I asked a lot of questions about him, and one of them was "would you ever go out with him?" and her reply was, and this really got me SO angry, "I would probably go out with him if I wasn't going out with you". I'll never forget that. I actually cannot believe she said that. If I EVER find this kid, I don't know what I'll do, but I'm definitely going to let him know what I think of him. and if I find out that he has EVER tried anything with my girlfriend............... then he's finished. I'll kill him.
...............................
A
female
reader, sexi  +, writes (5 July 2007):
 Hi, you need to seek help as this could turn out to be something serious. You have to learn to deal with your jealousy because if you dont you could end up losing your gf and im sure that is not something you want or even worse you could end up hurting someone really bad. Just learn to deal with your anger.
Good Luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (5 July 2007):
How bad is this urge to hurt him? Have you suffered with violent jealousy before? I agree with the other responses as far as it goes, but if you really suspect that you might not be able to control yourself just with your own efforts, then get some help before you get yourself into trouble. You won't be labelling yourself 'crazy'. Obviously you aren't crazy as you have recognised that this is your problem, not your girlfriend's or the other guy's. Your doctor would be a good place to start. Anything you say to him or her is confidential. If it isn't that bad, then all the other advice on here is great.
...............................
A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (5 July 2007):
Hi babe, i know exacrtly what u mean. i have anger problems, however i minimised it when i went to anger management, when i was around 13..You just need to try forget the name, and when it comes into conversation make ur mind believe you dont know who it is.. You just need to not think of him, in a way to make you jealus..If she liked this lad, she would have been with him not you, which means she likes you.. therefore you shouldnt have anything to worry about (tht still doesnt help me, i use the tryin 2 get them thing).. mail me if u wanna talk x x x x
...............................
A
female
reader, Lia +, writes (5 July 2007):
Hi there. I think your jealousy says more about you than about this kid you're angry at. So what are you afraid of? Losing your girlfriend? Her spending more time with some other dude than you? You really need to ask yourself such questions so that you can get to the bottom of your feelings coz often jealousy and anger are really just masking a deeper insecurity. Perhaps instead of focusing so much on how much you hate the kid, focus on working on your relationship - are there areas where it can be better? Do you still feel liked and loved by your girlfriend? Remember that no one on the outside of your relationship can end your relationship - unless one of the partners chooses to. And also bear in mind that aggression and violence do not solve anything- in fact, they'll just make your girlfriend angry with you! The same goes with being possessive - look, you can't (and shouldn't) try to control your girlfriend - who she hangs with, who she speaks to, who her friends are. You've got to be able to trust each other - without trust, the relationship is not gonna make it. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, hj87  +, writes (5 July 2007):
 I could see here that you are very angry. You could tell how you feel to your girlfriend, and see what she says. Or you could write all of your anger down in a journal. It works for me! It makes me feel a lot better! Goodluck!
...............................
A
male
reader, theonirvana +, writes (4 July 2007):
 I know exactly how you feel. I feel just the same with my girlfriend and her friend. And this guy used to bully me in primary school, which makes it even worse. I think the best thing to do is every time you think about it, tell yourself 'She does hang around with this guy, but she's going out with me. He doesn't matter.'If she liked this guy more than you, she would be going out with him instead.But I think you also have to realise that she is an individual, and she needs space. Put yourself in her shoes: if there was a girl who you liked, and you spent a lot of time with her, it doesn't neccessarily mean that you want to go out with her.If you love her, and don't tell her a lot, start now. After you kiss, or just out of nowhere.But don't think you're the only person who feels like this, because a lot of people do, me included.Hope it helps.
...............................
|
