A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone ! I need some help. I have ruined my relationship with my boyfriend. I love him a lot and so does he. But in the past i had unsuccessful relationships and due to my past i couldn't trust my boyfriend. I always fought with him and blame him for cheating with me. Everyday i used to call him and doubt on him. For small small things i ended up fighting with him. Many times he said to me that he knows that i dont trust him. Now his kind of bored from me. And i feel that his trying to avoid me. I call him everyday....and everyday he talks but i can feel a change in his behaviour and the way he talks. Before he used to call me 'baby', now adays he calls me by my name. Can anyone please advise me what shall i do. I don't want to loose my boyfriend. What should i do so that my boyfriend again starts to love me. M bit scared now that may be his looking for someone else to replace me. What should i do so that he doesn't leave me. Please help me..... Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, liz2  +, writes (30 September 2009):
You need to back off and give him a little time. If he's not answering your calls clearly you've come on too strong. Give him at least three days without trying to call him. Once things have cooled down give him a call and apologize for your behaviour. Explain about your insecurity and as for a second chance. If he agrees to give you a second chance then you must truly change your ways and stop accusing him of things. You need to work out these issues as well but do it in therapy.
A
female
reader, LemonPuff  +, writes (30 September 2009):
 I'm sorry to hear that, but unless you can stop the pattern you set into your relationships none will work. Talk with your boyfriend and tell him why you act like you do. And propose starting things from scratch. Every time you feel like checking up on him try and do something else to take your mind off it. Take up a hobby like drawing or painting to express how you are feeling rather than directing it as mistrust at him. Erase his number from your phone if that helps so you can't pester him. Also have girly nights out to take your mind off things that coincide with nights out with his friends for him so he doesn't feel trapped. That way if you are feeling insecure you can talk it through with your friends. I know it will be hard at first, but it will get easier over time.I wish you the best of luck and hope you both work things out :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): I guess it must be tough for your boyfriend. But it also must be very difficult for you. Due to your previous bad experiences, it is understandable that you struggle to trust in relationships. But what has happened in the past is clearly tainting the present.
It sounds like you maybe haven't really come to terms with whatever bad experiences you have been through. The issues haven't been laid to rest. I think that until you can do that, until you can find some acceptance of what happened, you will be stuck and find it hard to let go and move on. And this will cause struggle and conflict in future relationships, as you are currently experiencing.
I think it might be helpful if you and your boyfriend discussed this. It might require a lot of honesty, which may be difficult. But it may also be necessary. Do you think you could ask him to explain how he is feeling? How he feels when you accuse him of things? It might be tough to hear, but I think it could be needed. Being accused of cheating is not a pleasant thing, which is why he may be pulling away.
But to try and get this relationship on track, I think it depends largely on you. You understand that your past experiences are affecting you today, which is the first step. Now what can you do about it? Are you going to allow this to go on? Or are you willing to try and change things? If you are, then I think you need to explain to your boyfriend that you understand you have some trust difficulties, and that it can't be easy on him either. But you are willing to try and put it behind you. If he knows that you want to try and improve things, he might be more willing to give things another chance.
The fact is, nobody can really be sure of anything, or anyone. Trusting someone is a scary thing. It makes us very vulnerable. You don't want to be hurt, as nobody does. But everybody has these fears. So how do we deal with it? Difficult one...I think it's about being brave, taking a chance with someone else. It's also about being realistic. What does your boyfriend do to make you suspect he may be cheating? Now what does he do to prove otherwise? Instead of looking for signs that he is cheating, look at all of the reassuring signs. Focus more on the positives.
Everybody is different. So while you may have been hurt before, this is different. Because each relationship is always different. And they do come with the risk of being hurt. But if you are not prepared to take that risk, then it is not worth getting into a relationship.
I think you do have what it takes to overcome this. You understand what is happening, which is the main thing. I think you now need to try and communicate this to your boyfriend. If he is willing to keep trying, then it might take some work, and it might be scary. But what do you have to lose? By continuing as you are, you may lose him anyway. So why not be brave and give it a try? You can do it. Good luck. x
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (30 September 2009):
 I feel terribly bad for you, because your past relationships have come forward to haunt your relationship with your boyfriend.
Unfortunately you cannot have love in a relationship if you don't have mutual trust. The reason why is simple. If you don't trust him, you're not going to be able to be accepting of him and naturally intimate with him. He won't feel comfortable being around you.
Compound that with accusing him of cheating on you all the time, and pretty soon he's thinking he ought to. If you're going to find him guilty of something he didn't do, then he's eventually just going to do it as he's paid the price.
The only way you can get him back, if he wants you back, is if you persuade him that you know what you did was wrong, and, that you want to work very hard on regaining trust in your relationship with him.
Trust is important and the key to all of this is of course that you're going to need to dig deep down inside yourself and find some comfort-zone where you know that in your heart of hearts, he wasn't cheating on you.
Now as for his change in behavior, it could very well be that he's given up. He stuck it out, probably tried to prove it to you that he wasn't cheating on you; but you wouldn't believe him. After a point, he's going to feel unloved, untrusted and all alone. Which I gather is what happened.
So he needs to know that you're going to make changes in your life for him, so that you will trust him. Not "try" but "will". Absent that, he's probably just thinking of moving on.
...............................
|
