A
male
age
41-50,
*an80
writes:Hello allLast April my partner of 7 years suddenly broke off our relationship, saying she no longer felt happy. She had been going to see a therapist about her life in general, and ending our relationship seemed to be part of what she felt she had to do to move on. She also discovered that she has adult ADHD, which I must say explains a lot. This hit me extremely hard because I loved her deeply and we have a 4 year old son together. It was always hard because my job takes me away a lot, but she never really complained about it at the time. She certainly liked the steady income it provided, and I made sure she knew what I did it for her and our son.Now we are split up and I'm still in a very bad place, not helped by the fact that I saw her for the first time this weekend when I went to get my boy for a visit. It was odd because she was sending me a raft of mixed signals, telling me she hoped we could be friends and then flirting provocatively with me, saying that I wasn't right for her then a minute later telling me to just give her time. It was all very confusing and made my heart hurt like hell.So, what do I do now? I'm clearly still in love with her, and yet in a way I do feel that being with her full-time would be hard because she does have a very moody, somewhat demanding side (although she's also incredibly bright). She's on a proper med for her ADHD now, and seemed in a better state than I've seen her in ages. The thought that she might be getting better and I won't be around when she does is also very heart-breaking. Any advice gratefully taken.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (20 August 2012):
 If she's not talking about getting back together I wouldn't push that envelope with her. If you are honest with yourself, you are probably more in love with the illusion the relationship represented, but given her personality and the magnitude of her illness which apparently went unchecked for far too long, do you really want to go back into that nightmare? You are in shock, and you are still grieving over the loss of a dream. The dream you had with her. But the reality was very different. This is what will make you strong and keep you from going back to her. Even if she's been given meds to control some of her erratic behavior, if she starts skipping her dosages the monster will still return. File for joint custody, or full custody, she may not care either way. Your son will grow up much more well balanced in your care. Good luck.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (19 August 2012):
 I love it when I learn that people have been able to put a label on their "conditions".....
Your G/F is now, officially "ADHD" so it doesn't make much sense to try to get her to act like an adult, because she has a "medical condition" which allows her to behave like a child... and YOU have to ACCEPT THAT!!!!!
Bullshit!!!!.... tell her to act like an adult... and YOU will act like an ADULT .... and the two of you will figure out how to raise this CHILD (sorry soul!) that the two of you have spawned....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (19 August 2012):
There are no easy answers, unfortunately. It does sound like she is sending you mixed messages, which isn’t helpful at all. If you’re ever going to deal with this, you firstly need to know where you stand and what the situation is, yet she is making this unclear and ambiguous. So you have to take control of this situation, and accept that, sadly, loving some-one isn’t enough. Love does not conquer everything, and it sounds like the 2 of you aren’t going to work together. So once you can start to accept that it’s over, you’ll be free of that nagging doubt that’s preventing you from letting your emotions out about the breakup and letting you accept the reality that you as a couple are finished. You should also tell her that being friends will be too hard, and that you just want to keep things civil for your son’s sake. She should understand that you need that distance so that you can get through this breakup. When you accept that it’s definitely over, whatever she says, you can start to learn to move on. Get whatever support you need to do this, even if this means visiting a counsellor to talk things over with some-one who can lend a neutral and non-judgemental listening ear. Try as hard as you can to put your focus on to other things, especially planning nice things you can do when you have your son. Remember that this little boy needs his dad, especially now that there have been changes in his home life. You need to find strength for him. Find happiness in the fact that something wonderful came out of this relationship, however it ended up.
I wish you all the very best.
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