A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been talking to this guy for a few months now. And the first time we officially chilled was on Christmas day. When we chilled, we did have sex. But before we chilled, it wasn't established what either of us were looking foe (like a relationship, or just a sex buddy, etc.) It was just a caught up in the moment thing I guess. But either way, I assumed from the beginning that we'd never be in a relationship and he'd probably never take me seriously because he's 28 and I'm 22. But ever since Xmas, we've been chilling a lot. And I think I'm starting to catch feelings for him. But part of me thinks it's the sex that's causing me to "catch feelings". I still haven't talked to him about us being in a relationship, it's just like we chill and have sex. So my question for you guys, should I talk to him about how I feel? Should I tell him I want a relationship? And will this guy even ever look at me as someone he wants to be with? Have any of you ever had a relationship with such a big age difference?
View related questions:
christmas Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (2 May 2013):
Just suggest you go to a movie, and dinner together. The outcome will give you an indication as to whether its even worth discussing feelings. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 May 2013):
 Chances are that So_Very_Confused is right.
The age difference isn't the biggest deal here really. The big deal is that you rather continue to have sex or "chill" rather then have a talk with him.
If you don't just want to be his F-buddy you need to talk to him, though chances are he is happy with status quo. And would drop you in a heartbeat when someone shows up he REALLY wants to date.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (1 May 2013):
 AMEN!!
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 May 2013):
 Yes it’s very much the sex that’s causing you to “catch feelings” for this guy you “chill” with. A 6 year age difference is not a big deal after age 21 especially if the female partner is the younger partner.
So you have a frequent sexual relationship with this guy for four months now and you have not asked him how he feels or talked about how you feel…. you say “we chill and have sex” what does “we chill” mean?
If you WANT a relationship with him you have to let him know. Sadly I agree with those that say it’s probably already too late since you are already sexual with him and he knows he can just come over and “chill” and get laid. A lovely FWB relationship.
IF you want more you have to tell him and you probably need to stop “chilling and having sex” and go out and do things… meet each other’s friends, dinner, movies, picnics… that sort of thing.
IF you say ‘I can’t talk to him about it I might lose him” then it’s time to stop having sex with him because you are going to lose him anyway once someone he respects and wants to build a life with comes along.
Sad as it is, FWB is almost always harder on the woman in the ‘relationship’ as she starts to “catch feelings” due to sex. It’s a pheromone/hormone thing. IF you want more and he does not, he will continue to be nice to you and sleep with you as you are probably a lovely person and he LIKES you but he will never be more if he does not have to be.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): No Tisha chilling was always a word, like hanging out but you might smoke a bit of weed, maybe have a beer and just chill.
OP it's simple, you never established what this would be so now is the time to establish that. But first you have to figure out what you want. Do you want a relationship? If so then you can't accept anything less.
And yes OP, it's probably the sex that has made you "catch" feelings. I know a lot of women are able to separate emotions from it but the vast majority can't, that intimate bond usually creates an emotional attachment. I see it all the time in my friends who are dating now. They may like one guy, find him the most attractive out of the guys they're seeing but it's guy who is bedding them that they have the greatest attachment to.
Right now you're just fuck buddies, but the only way you'll know what else is up is by talking to him. It's very possible that wants to date but wasn't willing to rock the boat when you were already giving him sex.
OP it's unusual for a woman not to want to put some kind of label on things, he may well think you're not interested in him as anything other than a fuck buddy and doesn't want to lose the pussy by rocking the boat.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Never be afraid to speak out. For right now it seems like you are just having sex, that's all. If you want more, speak out. May be he wants more also, but doesn't know how you feel about it. If he doesn't want more, then at least you know where you are at with him and move on, or if you like the sex part, stay.
...............................
A
female
reader, khot  +, writes (1 May 2013):
 I think you need to talk to him and find out where this is going then allowing yourself to get used like this. Men are users and he won't say anything as long as he keeps getting satisfaction clear the air make it clear, you need to be having sex with a guy who loves you not taking advantage of you , you are not growing any younger and the more you have sex the older you look so I suggest you stop unless he agrees to loving you
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 May 2013):
The age difference is nothing. Your problem is that you are a friend with benefit. Talking to him probably won't amount to much. Maybe you need to start over and stop giving it up without him having to work for it?
II used to hate the saying "why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free" because it implies that women should be prostituting themselves. But it's true in that men typically take what they can get with as little effort as possible. So when you don't make them get to know you before sleeping with them, they won't take the initiative, even of they would have been otherwise interested.
But if they have to date you to get laid (which is usually the initial motivation) then they will, and they'll often catch feelings in the process.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 May 2013):
 YouWish wrote: "I say take it a step further and TELL him what you want. 6 years doesn't make him some father figure that has authority over whether you become a relationship or not. YOU decide if you want to take things a step further. If he doesn't want to, then YOU choose whether or not you want to continue a no-strings, no-feelings mutual using of each other sexually, or whether to stop having sex and look for someone who won't waste your time."
I'd like to set up a little relationship chorus here. I'd start with her post. Can we get an AMEN? Woohoo!
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 May 2013):
 A 6 year age difference is nothing after the younger person turns 21. You're the one making a big deal about it, but 6 years is nothing. The biggest age difference I've dated is 12 year...did another 10 year as well. My best friend is 6 years older than I am. Don't even notice it.
You are FWB with him. No strings attached sex. You both are using each other. There is no natural *next step* into a relationship. You're very correct in saying your bonding is because of the bonding chemicals during sex.
Sex is the only thing going on now. No dating, no relationship, no nothing. You have to talk to him about it. I agree with Tisha here, and actually I say take it a step further and TELL him what you want. 6 years doesn't make him some father figure that has authority over whether you become a relationship or not. YOU decide if you want to take things a step further. If he doesn't want to, then YOU choose whether or not you want to continue a no-strings, no-feelings mutual using of each other sexually, or whether to stop having sex and look for someone who won't waste your time.
I also echo -- don't ever ever let anything "just happen". No sex until exclusivity, and not just ASSUMED exclusivity, but confirmed, talked about, "we're no longer seeing other people" exclusivity.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (1 May 2013):
I agree with what DVI and IamHereToHelpYou have said.
A couple of pointers, FYI: First comes being acquaintances - which may or may not progress to friendship.
After you have been friends for a number of months and see how the friendship goes, THEN you might start dating and if all goes well, discuss whether you want to be exclusive together. If so, you can be sexual together as well as boyfriend/girlfriend.
One more thing: do you know what "they" say about "assume"?
No? I'll tell you: "it makes an ass out of you(u) and me".
By all means talk to him if you want a relationship and see how he feels.......
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 May 2013):
Chilling, is that the new word for having sex as friends?
Here's my question for you. Just because you are younger than he is, do you think that means you can't ask for what you want? Do you think that you are the one without power or say in this relationship?
What do you want?
If the answer is "a relationship" then be a brave girl and ask for it.
If you don't ask, you'll never know if it is or was a possibility.
You have my permission to challenge him to step up and be a brave boy and actually date you.
You have my permission to be a brave girl and ASK for what you want.
If you want a relationship, be freaking true to yourself and freaking go for it, freaking ask him.
Sorry, if that is opposite of chilling but your question is pretty clear that you want more.
Pull on the big girl panties and stop chilling and freaking ask for what you want. :)
...............................
A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (1 May 2013):
 It's pretty much a moot point. You had sex with him first, so that's what you are to him...
...............................
|
