A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year. We have a great relationship and after about 3 months we introduced each other to our own kids. One issue we have is that her mom doesn't feel she should be dating anyone right now due to the last relationship she was in. Her mom likes me as a person, just that I'm the right person at the wrong time. This being said, whenever there are family gatherings at her parent's place, I am never invited to go and have consequently not met her brother and sister yet. I admit this irritates me quite a bit. I mentioned her mom's opinion of our dating to her a month ago and she said she would address it with her mom as soon as the time was right. Now this gathering is happening and I have the strong impression I wasn't invited because she doesn't want to push the issue with her mom. Do I let it go and wait to see if I get invited to the next gathering, or re-address it with her now? I am worried that her apprehension to let her mom know where my place is in her life will impact our relationship. Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Ask for more. Sounds like you have been prepared to put up with her mother dictating. My mother is over controlling and I used to keep a lot of my relationships away from family gatherings. It really hurts me now to hear from an ex that he was so in love with me but never thought I was serious about him because I kept him separate from my family. He never asked to be included, and I never thought it bothered him so it went on like that for many years. Make her aware you enjoy being a special part of her life, it's her life not her mothers and no one knows what the future holds, right now your in her life and want to be a part of it all, might be good for her to know you can deal with her mother as she is probably fed up dealing with her on her own!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): When I started reading, I thought this was a post from a boy talking about his girlfriend in high school, then of course as I am reading on and about each other's kids, families....
I guess what bothers me is the two of you are grown adults, who have established your own lives, children, etc., and one of you is putting an awful lot of weight and decision making based on what Mommy and Daddy think. What is up with that?
Now, I also think there are two different things going on here....
One, you have neglected to mention what happened in her last relationship...that is a red flag to me that her parents expressing that your girlfriend may not be 100% invested in her current relationship because she has not resolved her past, or find you as an escape, but the real issues are still present. In that regard, your girlfriend may be in denial and doesn't want to hear the truth her parents are speaking.
Two. Family gatherings...you've been together for a year, that's just down right rude and there is no reason for you to be excluded from any of them. And I question why she would be dancing around the issue at all. You are in her life so that would mean you would be involved with her family by now and vice versa. The opinions of the family regarding putting the brakes on, should not be a reason to exclude you from going with your girlfriend to her family events. Is that really a solution or adding fuel to the fire? Far from a solution. So, if they don't see you and she doesn't talk about you, you do not exist and everyone is happy? Um, no.
If I was in this situation, it would most definetly impact my relationship.
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A
male
reader, peanut_gallery  +, writes (1 May 2013):
It is already impacting your life!
Assuming your girlfriend is 41-50 as well, I see little reason as to why her mother would play such a pivotal role in these decisions. If your girlfriend wanted you there, you should be invited.
Her mom should respect her 40-50 year old daughter's decisions/choices.
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