A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband came home with two liter bottles for the weekend (1 vodka, the other cognac)and told me he had Friday off. My immedate though was, oh no. I will be at the computer or walking around with a smile on my face while he ridiqules me and diminishes my purpose in life. In otherwords verbal abuse during his drinking binge. He drinks boiler makers every day. The isn't a day that goes by where he doesn't drink. I have learned to live my life by keeping myself occupied in healthy ways both with friends and by myself. I have taken in a friend to share the expenses during this economic downturn and also to keep him occupied. When this friend is around the verbal abuse is minimized. Even this friend has a tough time dealing with his problems. His presence can be enoying when he drinks. He can be confrontational when talking about politics and other topics. He can't seem to have a converstion without yelling. I used to think it was because his parents were concentration camp survivors, and had a hard time communicating in both languages, therefore screamed at each other when they needed to communicate. In other words, a learned behavior. He is a college graduate, but never reached for the gold. Thank god my kids are grown. At least I got that out of the way. The only reason we stay married is for financial reasons at this time. I was raised believing you need to learn to help yourself, and no one can help you better than yourself. Is there anything I can do to get him to change after all these years (15)? I am very forgiving, but it's getting a little old. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (3 July 2009):
 He sounds like he needs therapy.
I think it would be good for you to go to Al-Anon if you haven't already. There you can be with people who have gone through similar experiences, and perhaps learn what you can and can't tolerate in a marriage.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (3 July 2009):
 He won't change. I was married to a man that drank heavily for the 20 years we were together. I was responsible for keeping the finances on track, taking care of the kids, the home, all the chores. I worked full time and had no self esteem, no friends and no social life. I forgave his lies, his tricks and his abuse for the sake of my children. I hoped he would wake up one day and realise what he was doing...but you see, he blamed it on the fact that his whole family drank and that was just the way he was. I am now divorced, have my own home, live a healthy lifestyle, have friends a job that I love and have some self respect and self esteem. It has been the most difficult thing to get here...like crawling through cement. My life is never going to be plain sailing...Im always going to have to keep an eye on my finances and combating moments of loneliness can be tough. I have dated but been disapointed by the couple of men I have had brief relationships with since. My life now isn't perfect...but it's a million times better than what I lived with before.I have only one regret...that I didn't leave him sooner, but with everything in life, there is a time and a place for things to happen.If you can find a way to get away...then my advice would be to do it now. Our lives are a gift and the ultimate goal is peace and happiness. When you live with an abuser, your right to happiness is suspended. Some people never escape and that is a sad fact of life, but if you can find the strength and the means...you will never ever regret it.Please let me know how you get on.hugs!!!Aunty Em xxx
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