A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I currently live with my girlfriend. I feel that she is very ungrateful to me. I pay 2/3 of the rent, and all of the food and utilities. She makes twice the money that I do (I'm a student) and spends all of her money on her horses. Whenever we go out, I pay. I do all of the housework and most of the cooking. No, I am not a doormat. I don't let her walk all over me, I just believe that a "real man" takes responsibility in a relationship. However, I don't feel that she is grateful for what I do for her. Whenever we go out, she never tries to pay, nor does she really comprehend just how much I spend on her.I would like her to take the initiative and clean and/or pay for things by herself. I would also like her to acknowledge the sacrifices that I make. Any advice? I love her, but I don't know if she will ever come around. Should I stay with her?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (2 July 2007):
 You didn't mention if you've discussed this with her. If you haven't, you should because the resentment is building.
I once let resentment grow in my relationship, and if left to fester, it eventually explodes in other ways. People get accustomed to receiving and sometimes forget to give. Then, the more you keep giving,the more the resentment grows. You actually start to expect the other person not to respond to your generosity, and when they don't, you get resentful or angry. It almost becomes a payoff in itself. It's true, the reward actually becomes the fact that you expected they wouldn't be thankful, they weren't, that proved you to be correct again. It keeps going around.
Have a talk and get to the bottom of this. The downside is this. At this point, you're asking to see some gratification from your lady. It's always nicer if it comes naturally. When you have to ask for it, it seems fake. We really like it when these things come from the heart, not because we have to beg for some recognition.
Your belief that a real man takes responsibility, is a bit old. In theory it works, many women still enjoy that sense of a manly man. But, if you tell them that is actually how it is,they don't want to hear that either.
A
female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (2 July 2007):
Both real men and real women pay their way if they earn a good wage. She shouldn't expect you to pay more than half of the household expenses, as well as all the other stuff, if she earned the same as you, let alone if she earns more. That isn't old-fashioned romance, it's greedy. The tradition was that men paid because they earned so much more, which made sense. Sure,if you earned more than her, that would still be fine if you were both happy with it. A relationship should not be about only one half making all the sacrifices so that the other half has it easy. She is on to a good thing here, and she is taking full advantage of your generous and chivalrous nature. Either she is thinking of you as a doormat, even if you don't feel that way, or she is so very self-centred that isn't thinking about your feelings at all. Neither of these is very attractive is it? Ask yourself how much she really cares for you if it's all take and no give? Does she think about what you want out of life? Does she really think your whole resaon for existing is to fund her lavish lifestyle? Whatever you feel about issues surrounding men and women and how things have changed between them, you are obviously feeling used. This is not a healthy basis for a relationship. A straight talk is required here, which goes along the lines that things need to change because it's are all one-way traffic at the moment. I'm afraid you might find that she goes ballistic and genuinely thinks you are being miserly and unfair. Maybe she's a spoilt daddy's girl who has been brought up to think that pretty girls are worth mega bucks just for being pretty. Whatever the reason, sticking with a relationship that functions like this will just make you bitter against women in general, like so many men before you. Believe me, we aren't all like that. Good luck.
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