A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a long distance relationship with a guy from another country. We have been talking for over 7 years but only dating for a little less than one. I love this guy. He's charming and a total sweetheart.That said, I am constantly at war with myself with this relationship. On one hand, I am very attracted to him, want him to know I absolutely adore him, and want this relationship to work out. We both know if it IS to work out, one of us will eventually have to move and we've accepted this.But on the other hand, we just don't communicate like I feel we should. I seem to be the one to initiate contact most of the time. When he texts me, I practically pounce on the phone. When I text him... seems to take him a while to respond. Often hours. And then when we are texting, contact will randomly drop off.But like I said, I'm struggling with this relationship. It's so very, very stressful to me. I can't help to think that maybe he's not as serious as I am, or what if there is a local girl that he's talking to? I'll never know... I hate to say it, but I'm not sure if I trust him 100%.If I were to drop this relationship, especially with his planned visit in a few months, he would be VERY confused and it would be difficult for me too. It would make me seem so heartless, selfish, and cold. We've never even fought and are on very good terms... well aside from the fact I think we should communicate more!But I so badly want someone here with me now. I'm dying for physical contact, to have someone in person with me to talk to, have someone there for me and also be there for them.This is unbelievably tough. I sort of want out of this relationship but I just can't. I love this guy and do care about his feelings very much. He's almost always on my mind. I wonder if he's having a good day at work, etc etc.On top of him planning his visit, it would be so sad if I were to end out relationship just because I want someone with me in person. However with that said, I did tell myself that I would end if it something came up and he couldn't visit and had to cancel his plans. For me, that would be the end of the line. I've not (and probably won't) tell him this though.I don't know what to do. I'm stuck, and stressed out beyond belief. I could really, really use some advice here. I know long distance relationships are kind of taboo, but please understand it from my point of view.Sorry this was so long! Please help me...
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 May 2014):
 It seems like a very formal relationship to me OP. You don't say anything to him for fear of upsetting the apple-cart, he's obviously not as into you as you are into him but he cant get himself to say it, you don't trust him but never air your concerns, you seem to be trying to please him all the time and he just seems to talk to you when he feels like it. This isn't a relationship, this is a make-believe world that you've built which you want should be a relationship but sadly it isn't.
OP nothing is going to change magically for you. He might be coming to meet you but even if he does, what next? You'll spend a few days having sex but none of the other variables will have changed. You'll still have doubts about his integrity, you'll be trying your best to please him, he might be good to you for the few days that he's there but once he goes back, things will return to where they were and you'll end up feeling even worse.
I know its not your fault OP and you really want this to work but honestly it doesn't look like it will. The guy is not as heavily invested into this relationship as you are and lets face it, LDRs are very difficult to handle. They're difficult even if you've spent a considerable amount of time as a couple and then one person has had to move; they're even more difficult when the couple havent spent time face-to-face. You have more of a virtual relationship than a real relationship.
And as I said before, its a very formal relationship which mostly consists of you pining for him, trying to make him happy whenever he speaks to you, giving him your undivided time and attention for the short amount of time that he does speak to you and then waiting for him to contact you again.
I really dont know what the guy is up to; maybe there's another girl (its very likely), maybe he's just not that into you, maybe the relationship doesnt mean quite as much to him as it does for you.
OP I know that you want him to come visit you because you want him to be physically close to you but come on, he's not the last guy on the planet! It will be much easier for you to have a relationship with someone more accessible, someone who will be there for you and with you. LDRs are very very difficult to handle and need tremendous time and patience.
I think you should gracefully call it off. You gave it your best shot but something that causing you this amount of stress is certainly not worth it. A relationship should make you happy, not give you sleepless nights.
OP this is the age when you should go on dates, hold hands and go for long walks, cuddle under a blanket and watch movies, do everything that other couples do. This is the best time of your life which you should spend with a proper boyfriend who is next to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): You've talked yourself into this lack of trust and only you can make the decision, either you want to keep going on and learn to trust (all LDRs have this issue), or you want to leave the relationship where it is and move on with your life.
If you're not truly happy then is it really worth making yourself unhappy over? If you're not happy then you're leading him on and if he does truly feel about you the way you say you feel about him then he needs to know now before it goes too far.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (2 May 2014):
 To be honest I think you need a bit of a reality check. This is not a relationship. Is basically a virtual one. You are living in two different countries, communicating via electronic means and, for the year you have been in this situation, have had no kisses, cuddles, emotional closeness or sexual satisfaction.
You say you love this guy BUY have you ever actually met this man face to face or have you only known him via facebook, internet dating sites or other non face to face means? If you have met with this man before then how many times? Do you really even KNOW this person? Chatting via facebook or dating sites is not real life. Every women I have known who has tried internet dating (or met someone via Facebook, etc) has plenty of stories to tell of men they have got to know and like online only to meet them and find they are four inches shorter, ten years older, thirty pounds heavier than there pictures and claims or they have had bad breath, been socially awkward or just didn't click.
If you have never met this guy or only met him face to face a couple of times then you are in love with the "ideal" version of him you have created in your own imagination.
"I hate to say it, but I'm not sure if I trust him 100%." How can you trust him? He could be married with kids, sleeping with other women or be anything or anyone - he is in another country so how would you ever find out? he could be chatting to you via texts, emails and websites to give himself an ego boost or to loose himself in a fantasy of being someone he is not.
Moving in with someone is a huge commitment and one not taken lightly or too soon in a relationship, ie: a close, face to face relationship. How could either fo you up and leave your homeland, your family, your friends to be with someone you hardly know in real life?? You say he is a total sweetheart and charming but he may be very different face to face.
In text messages or emails, etc, we can think of witty responses, consider a form of words which flatters, maybe ask a friend for advice ;-) in face to face situations that same witty, charming person can appear very different without time to think of a clever reply.
"If I were to drop this relationship...it would make me seem so heartless, selfish, and cold" Why would it? The fact is you are in a virtual relationship with a man who lives in a different country, a different culture, whom you barely know, if at all, in real life face to face situations. You need physical closeness, possibly sex, intimacy, cuddles and kisses. He cannot provide that and it would be naïve to think that he could move to your country or vice versa to solve that.
"it would be so sad if I were to end out relationship just because I want someone with me in person" You need to be realistic here...you are not in a relationship. You are two people, in two different countries, talking electronically. We all get into relationships to fulfil our needs; we want sex, closeness, hugs, kisses, touches, someone to talk to face to face and experience new things with. We want to go on dates. We need someone to laugh at our jokes, smile when we do, hold our hands....how can you do that when this man lives in a different country? There is nothing whatsoever wrong with ending this if that's what you want.
You are young, early twenties, why waste so much time and effort on this? Get out there and find a proper boyfriend, not a long distance virtual boyfriend that leaves you feeling empty, lonely and frustrated.
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