A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've done something really stupid. Something which I've emphatically discouraged people from doing on DearCupid so many times because it only ever turns out badly. I snooped through my boyfriend's facebook and surprise surprise - it turned out badly.He had told me he's only been in love once before and that was a couple of years ago, with a married woman who decided to stay with her husband. What he didn't tell me was he was still sending her messages 6 weeks after we became exclusive, saying that he loved her and still hoped they would one day be together. She replied curtly, he sent one apologising and then there were no more messages after that. I really wish I hadn't snooped. To everyone reading this - never ever do it, it's an awful idea. But now I can't take it back and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm second best to him, always will be. What if he's just thinking about her all the time, wishing I was her?!Oh and here's a coincidence for you - she just so happens to look an awful lot like me, to the extent that in some photos of her, I can't even tell the difference between us. So yes. I knew he'd been in love before, but I didn't know he was still pining for her a year and a half after he last saw her and after we were together. I think he told me he loved me for the first time a few weeks after those messages were dated, so did he just transfer his feelings over? Do you think he can possibly love me? What if he's waiting still and hoping she'll come back to him? I don't know what to do, I'm so sad. I asked him if he's happy and he just said yeah of course. We're moving in together on the weekend (it's all set already, the lease is signed, rent paid), so I asked him why he wanted to move in with me (hoping he'd say because he loves me) and he said he doesn't know his reasons for things, it just seemed like a good idea. I don't know what to do. I want to find out if he's over her. There's no way I can tell him I looked through his stuff - that's such a violation of trust, I can't believe I did it. So is there anything I can do or say to find out how he feels?
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female
reader, Sabrena  +, writes (17 February 2011):
i would date someone who had resembled my ex coz those features is what am atracacted to me i even have a blind date organised by my sister this weekend and i asked her if he had my ex's body feature, doesnt mean i want to make this person my ex it jst means i like ppl tht look like that am attracted to that particular body, skin colour etc so i reckon u should not be so angry tht u resemble her its jst his kinda girl. But he shouldnt email her while u were together thats just wrong but whats done is done as u said if u love him than forgive him and dont think about it hopefully he wont screw up...
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 February 2011):
Whilst I also agree that snooping is never really a good idea, once again you've proved that it can sometimes get results.
I'm afraid you DO know how he feels. And there are two problems here that are an indication of what this man is like.
1 - He was having an affair with a married woman. That's not a good sign. It means he doesn't really have respect for the idea of marriage or a relationship. Not really a good sign for anything that you have.
2 - You know that when you met he was still messaging her, telling her he loved her. You also know that you look like her, probably act like her etc.
Do I think he loves you? - I doubt it very much given his conduct. I think it's more likely that he loves an image/vision of this other woman.
At any rate, when you were exclusive, he was effectively cheating. I don't know whether I'd trust someone like that for the rest of my life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): I would not move in with him. He has been dishonest with you about his communications with her and probably about his feelings for you at the least. If the best he can say is that he thinks it's a good idea then I don't believe he loves you.
Thank your lucky stars you did snoop because you're probably going to save yourself a lot of heartache by not moving in with someone who has no idea what he really wants or feels. You are second best and you deserve a whole lot better than this.
I would just be honest and tell him you found out, yes you snooped without permission, but what you found is very damning and he will want to know why you are dumping him.
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