A
female
age
30-35,
*ennygirl
writes:Been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. We currently live together; have been for 2 years. We also have a 1 year old together! The first two years of our relationship was a long distance one. We lived three hours apart and we saw each other for about 1-2 weeks out of the month. We were the perfect couple. He is very affectionate; and still is. He cared for me, he told me that I was the girl he has been looking for all of his life, I am his soul mate. We both made a lot of sacrifices to make it work. It was his idea to move in together. He moved in with me. He has talked about marriage. We always had a great time together, lots of laughs, cuddles, sex was hot. We were always in constant contact when we were apart. Me not trusting him was never an issue, he never gave me a reason NOT to trust him.Fast forward. When he moved in, I found his flash drive aka...his digital spank bank. I laughed and decided to look through it to see what turns him on so I can use it to my advantage. It was your basic porn stars, models, actresses and such, but there was one file with pictures of a girl he personally knew. He was going to school at the time to finish up his degree, and he met her in one of his classes (we are both in our 30s) He told me about her and told me that they hung out once after class and got a drink. No biggie, until I saw that he was saving her pictures. I had no idea what she looked like (she is freaking HOT) and that he had a crush on her. I let it go, but it has been bugging me and bugging me! I confronted him about it on how hurt I was that he would hang out with someone who he obviously had a "crush" on while I was back home missing the shit out of him!!! Now, fast forward to last night. He is out of town for a few days, had a funeral to go to. I stayed here with our daughter. So, I did the big no no....I snooped on his facebook, read through his old messages. Before he moved in, he was in contact with her quite a bit. He asked her out for drinks and whatnot on a few occasions, but she declined. I can tell by her messages she was not interested at all, probably because she knew he had me (profile pic) so I knew that nothing sexual happened, but they could have if she accepted. Now, why would a guy who bent over backwards for me, who not only tells me, but shows me how much he loves me, calls me his soul mate, wants to marry me and can't wait to start a life together, try to be "friends" and hang out with a girl that he obviously likes. How can he like someone to that nature if he truly loved me? Now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, how do I tell him that I know that he tried to go out with a girl while we were 3 hours away( he only told me about the one time, not any of the other times, and that he was still talking to her, so he kept it a secret for a reason) How can I tell him that the trust is no longer there? This was dated two years ago, but it still hurts the same! It's like our relationship was a lie, and I was his second choice because nothing better came along! Should I confront him? Sigh!
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female
reader, Jennygirl +, writes (12 December 2014):
Jennygirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, thanks for all of your responses. It makes me look at my situation from all angles before coming to the conclusion on what I am going to do with this information. To the male who said I let him move in with my in spite of what I found. You misread, I found out after he moved in with me, if found out prior, he would not be here with me right now. Wiseowle, even though I don't agree with you on all levels, I appreciated your thoughts the most. You made me sit down and really think about who I am, what I have done, and if there was anything that I am keeping from him as well. And to answer your question, the answer is no. I have yet to do anything behind his back. My rule of thumb when we were apart was, I acted in the same fashion as if he were next to me. If I was unable to act this way in front of him, I wouldn't act that way at all. Trust is sacred to me. I hold trust to its highest priority when it comes to my personal relationships. Yes, I can forgive, but without knowing the whys, it is hard for me to do such and move past this. I am sure within time, I will be able to do such. When it came to him; to us, yes, I am guilty of looking through a rose-colored lens. I am at fault for that and will take full responsibility that I wasn't living in reality. But when someone has my trust, they can rest assure, I will do nothing to break that trust. I know for a fact that he would be heart broken if I did the same thing, and that is what irks me the most. I can be fully understanding that it was a lonely thing. He found someone that made him feel good about himself, kept him in high spirits while we were apart. Like the other poster said, he has some insecurities to deal with, and his response was probably more of a high that a women of her class and level would give him the time of day...thus being a male ego boost. That I can understand and will be forgiving. I am human, I was there, I was lonely too, but I wouldn't allow myself to get into a situation like that. I had many chances to go behind his back and he would never have known, but I didn't. I had no intentions and didn't even give it a second thought. Was I flattered? You bet I was!! Who wouldn't be flattered by someone coming on to you and make you feel special?? That is why I would have understood his situation....if he would have just told me. The secret is what bugs me more so than the act. Yes, I would have been hurt if he would have told me, but I would have been thankful for his honesty and that he put my feelings and the respect of our relationship above his wrong-doing. Everyone screws up, we are human, it is our nature. Owning up to your mistakes takes courage. I would have more respect for him coming clean on his mistake and more forgiving in the end. But instead he hid it from me and to me, that is a slap in the face. We may not be married and no vows were exchanged, but he did make a promise to me a long time ago that he would never hurt me in any respect and that I can trust him 100% that he will fully protect my heart. That to me is a vow and something that I hold him to stay true to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2014): This is my last response to this post. I feel for you OP, because you're disillusioned by something you discovered through snooping. OP, you are very young; and have much to learn about relationships. Just wait until he discovers something about you, that you'll want to be forgiven for.
Just wait? What goes around, comes around!
Social media and the internet offers unfair advantage in the fact people can sneak around and spy on each other, or secretly intrude on their mate's secrets. Once upon a time, there was no internet; and trust had to be created between people based on how they treated each other. Too much information forces us to over-scrutinize people; and to harshly judge them without offering them any benefit of a discussion of the facts and details. Talk with no intent for forgiveness. The person is tried on the spot, and punished without an argument in their own defense. Even if they do everything they can to makeup for a mistake, the nastiness in people nowadays will let their mate struggle to make up for it, all in futility. Forgiveness kept out of reach, just for the sake of vengeance. Well, karma's a bitch! Someday you'll be discovered for something ugly you've done in your past. It will be a life-lesson brought on by fate. That's why I'm very careful about how I judge the people who love me. Setting the bar so high, I can't jump it myself. You're not even married! You do share a child!
He was thinking with his small head, not the larger one.
Had you not snooped, it all would have faded into the past; and you'd be happy with the guy who is showing you all the love he can. You'll get your chance to ask why he saved the pictures. It was just a souvenir. He didn't have a chance in hell with that girl! You wanted to read his mind and get an unfair advantage. Well now you have it. He's human. You will find no one on this planet without sin or lust. You're far from perfect yourself.
You call your relationship a lie? Then end it.
I said end it, because he's not going to put up with your punishment for a mistake long gone. He can't rewrite the past. You'll never find a man without secrets, or who hasn't done something you won't like about him. There were no vows exchanged. You're not married yet.
Sorry for my long answers. I don't give an OP the time of day, if I don't think they're worth it. I have better things to do. I had a very happy 28 year relationship. I even caught my partner in-bed with someone one day, a long time ago. That was only about five-years into our relationship. We had five years of history to go by. I based my decision to forgive him on how he always treated me. Which was awesome. I knew the person he really was, and his true character. He wasn't perfect, but neither am I. So I decided to forgive. He died seven years ago. I love him to this day!
The next twenty-three years after he cheated were bliss. Until he died of cancer. We had our disagreements. We fought big-time; but we worked things out, and loved each other until the day he died. Technology didn't make my decision, nor had any bearing on how we handled our relationship. We were devoted to each other. It was strictly heart to heart. Sorry it's not that way for you. I'm a very well-educated and mature gentleman. I don't see the world through rose-colored glasses; if you've ever read my posts.
You share a child with a man who adores you. He's a jerk for what he did; I was just hoping you'd work it out before you decided to give it up, or call it all a lie. That's all.
Just don't turn back, once you cross that bridge. You think you can punish him for something that "could" have happened, and some pictures? That sounds far from mature. I don't care what that bitter anonymous female reader says.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2014): People who say you were wrong for snooping or have no leg to stand on are missing the point
You did ONE questionable thing ! You took a peek to answer some questions you had. He should have had NOTHING to hide
He on the other hand has based your whole relationship on a lie and let you waste you time on a relationship with him when you could have been with someone who had you as their number one choice
HE HAS STOLEN years of your life when what he really wanted was some woman because she is 'hot' ' ( so typical of a man )
Honey , looking at his messages doesn't even come close to what he has done
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A
male
reader, SamSun  +, writes (11 December 2014):
Firstly I will point out the initial intentions behind your actions.aka...his digital spank bank. I laughed and decided to look through it to see what turns him on so I can use it to my advantageDo you think that the desire to use something against him to your advantage show a willingness to support your partner, or is this more of a selfish act?I did the big no no....I snooped on his facebook, read through his old messages. Before he moved inIn your mind this was wrong, yet you still decided to go ahead with it anyway despite this. A guy who bent over backwards for me, who not only tells me, but shows me how much he loves me, calls me his soul mate, wants to marry me and can't wait to start a life togetherDespite all of this you clearly have reason not to trust him.Your relationship although sweet and forfilling in some areas, is obviously built upon misstrust snooping and gaining advantage, all qualitys which are not healthy at all really.Now for the painfull truth.As a man he most likely means all the sweet things he sais and does love you very much, however he clearly had a crush on this other woman based upon lust. If she is as hot as you perseave her to be then it is possible he is holding on to some distant hope in his mind that he could be with her on some level. Clearly not something she shares. He likely keeps her pictures as a comforter that he knows such a woman and asking her out on any level is a deperate attempt to boost his ego. This to me as a man indicates he has low self esteem issues.That said under no circumstances is it acceptable for a man to be behveing in such a way behind your back, if it was purely innocent you would know who she is and probably be fine with them being friends. The fact you don't is an indicator that he is hiding this lust from you. What I would suggest is that you do talk to him about it, but don't be acuseing, this I say as you have no leg to stand on if you were going behind his back too. Just talk to each other, find out what the real reason is and explain your perspective. Explain why it hurts you.For yourself, you need to analyse and understand why you don't trust him. Is it just based on this flash drive or something else before then?Communication is the most important element of a good strong relationship and neither of you is doing this at present.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2014): I totally disagree with opinions that you were wrong at snooping, and this is somehow holds you responcible for what you discovered. I am sure if anyone here who discovered the same thing about their partner would feel the same as you. And it's not just the fact tha you are jealous, of course he betrayed your trust. When a person is in love he is not going to ask for a date with another woman. I had almost the same thing happened almost 30 years ago with my then fiancé. I was very young, 1 year after highschool. We were engaged, and he invited another girl for a drink. She said, yes though. The irony was that I went to dinner with my father that night, and here they were at the same restaurant. I broke off engagement, gave him the ring back. 2 weeks later he came back to me, crying, saying that he was scared of the whole wedding and marriage thing, and that's why he acted like that. Well, we got married. Now, all these years later, children all grown, that episode became a history, but tell you the truth, I still have this idea in my mind that I was not enough for him then. I was very much in love, and couldn't even imagine that he was not. It felt like a betrayal, big time.You already have a daughter together, and he was very good to you, I wouldn't leave him just based on something that happened 2 years ago. To tell him? I don't know, it depends on how you guys are communicating. I would deffinitely tell my husband, but every family is different.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2014): LDR or not he is not trustworthy and he cheated. He lied to you about pursuing this woman while he was in a relationship with you, because he knew damn well at the least you would probably have dumped him if you were aware of it. Can you ever really trust him again? People usually snoop for a reason, they feel something is wrong in the relationship but they're not sure what it is.. in this case, after you saw those saved pics you wanted to know if there was more and there was. Unfortunately you have a child now so that makes this whole thing much more complicated. I don't know what to tell you to do, but one thing is sure, the trust is gone now and you will always be looking over your shoulder wondering if he will do something like this again. I guess that is why they say ignorance or lack of knowledge of the truth is bliss.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 December 2014):
 I'm going to ask you the only question that matters now:
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?!?
I loathe caps for a very good reason, but given your emotional shattering of his past, it's the only thing I can think of to draw you back into the present.
You have a choice here - to become obsessed with his private (yes, I said PRIVATE) considerations of his direction in life, or to look ahead to the future.
I personally think that you should let the cat out of the bag. You're not married yet, but you have a kid together.
I think you should knock him into the fricken dirt with his untrustworthiness, telling him EVERYTHING and saying that his worthless words should rot in his mouth for eternity unless he can prove to you that he isn't who he was two years ago.
I'm a huge proponent of not snooping, but two wrongs can't make a right. If you give any more of your life to him, it must be with him hiding NO MORE.
I think his feelings for you are real. Everyone in the world considers other options, some less publicly than others. Before the internet, all of that stayed in our heads or were heard of by our best friends only in a moment of self-doubt.
Now, the internet is NOT our friend.
Deal with it head now, now that you know. Make sure that he's with you because he loves you, and get married for crying out loud, because the whole indefinite boyfriend state can go f*** itself with people buying houses and reproducing without the legal protection marriage affords.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2014): That's weird. Yeah he was hitting on and crushing on another woman while having a long distance relationship with you. The cat is out of the bag. I suspect the reason he did this was because in his mind you two weren't as serious as you thought. Maybe he deduced this was acceptable and harmless because of the distance between the two of you. What I find most disturbing is that, unbeknownst to her, he was saving pictures of this woman. Like she didn't even send them to him. It was like just him saving mementos of her from public images she had on the internet. Are you sure they never slept together? Or hooked up in some way? Cause if they didn't and they just went out once, and she wasn't even reciprocating his advances, that's just really creepy. So you found out the guy is a creep. It's terrible and unfortunate. Don't brush it under the rug or delude yourself to think otherwise. It is what it is. But don't let it ruin your life either. You have a child and he is the father. I think you should talk to him calmly. Tell him what you found and explain why it bothers you and let him explain himself. The fact that he was hitting on this girl while being in a relationship with you is the issue between you and him that you need to focus on and try to resolve. And hopefully you both can work it out and move forward. As for the pictures, the fact that he was saving this girls pictures is a whole other issue that I don't think it has anything to do with you and his relationship. But it simply shows you a side to this guy that is pretty weird. That's just like a character flaw that you should always have in the back of your head. That could make or break how you feel about him both in the long and the short run. I'm sorry but that he was saving her pictures, that's just really weird. I'd be mortified, offended and disgusted if I were that girl.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2014): Sometimes the advice on here is overly aggressive to OPs - try not to get too disheartened by that and focus on the sympathetic advice based on experience that you do get.
I agree with you that you were perfectly within your rights to snoop. You've been together for 4 years and this sounds like the first time you felt compelled to spy so no, you are not some crazy, insecure woman. You had reason to do so since he has been collecting photos of a woman who was supposedly his friend to wank over. I'd hit the roof over that one!
In my relationship, when I don't understand something I ask. And since we love each other and respect each other and have a good way of communicating, we usually resolve the problem or misunderstanding through talking. Is this applicable in your relationship? Do you think you would get somewhere from saying... ' I lost some trust when I accidentally found photos of your friend in your spank bank so I felt compelled to check the nature of your friendship and here is what I found. Could you explain these messages?' Hopefully he'll have something intelligent and convincing to say about how he's realised you're his everything.
I do think you need to understand what you need now to move on. Is it an apology? Is it verbal reassurance? No more female friends for him? Full access to each other's correspondance? ( I'm not suggesting these necessarily but they are just examples )
You also need to consider the possible outcomes. He could get so defensive by deflecting the blame and saying it's your fault for snooping. Ofcourse it's not but he could take this stance and you'll find yourselves in stale mate. Then what?
Regardless of what you choose to do, I would just like to say I completely understand why you are upset and horrified. It does look like he 'settled'. And it's unfortunate that you're confronted with this so directly. Most of the time it goes unspoken. Think about it, he is not the most good looking man, nor the richest, nor the kindest, nor the smartest so in a way you settled too. He just doesn't know who you could have chosen had every man been at your feet begging you to go out with him.
My advice is to focus on your best qualities to heal. He is attracted to you or he wouldn't be with you so that's not the question. Now that you have doubts, remind yourself of why he's lucky to have you.
Good luck and I hope you make it through this with your self esteem intact - because you're worth it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2014): She 'won' because the other woman didn't want him. Not because he chose her as number one and not because of angels
Most of us women are not content to be second choice and why should we be !
She will know that forever
As a woman I understand that
Sure he is right in that the partner may challenge you for child custody but if you have been the primary carer it's unlikely he will get it . Get a good lawyer and hold out for a man who choices you as number one!
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A
female
reader, Jennygirl +, writes (11 December 2014):
Jennygirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for all of your replies, they were insightful and appreciated!!Wiseowl, thanks for the long reply, but your are mistaking jealousy with hurt. I am not jealous of her, I am hurt that while we were apart, the thought of cheating on me crossed his mind. Call me crazy, call me sensitive, but I am human, and I will get hurt by the thought of the man that I love wanted to cheat on me at one time. He is the one that said I love you first, told me I was his soul mate and all that gush! He wanted to make this work, he wanted to move by me, he wants to marry me...so why say all those things if you can be tempted so easy. Why do you have to resort to saying I am jealous and totally disregard what he has done? How can you say that the trust isnt' broken? He went behind my back, pursued some other girl, contacted her, has pictures of her saved, got shot down and turned back to me! How is that honoring your relationship? How can you say you love someone and go behind their back and try to hook up with another? You may be older, may have more experience, but I do know enough not to do such a thing to someone I love. It's a respect thing, it's a trust thing, not a jealousy thing. I have no plans running off with my child. He loves his child and is a good father. If things don't work out, I would never sabotage their relationship, it's just not my style. I may be at fault for snooping, but at least I am not at fault for dishonoring this relationship by going out with other guys while we were apart. So why should I feel bad about disrespecting his right to privacy when he disrespected me by lying, going behind my back, and seeking out some other girl?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2014): Jennygirl, he asked her out again and again and got turned down. So nothing happened. The rejection was a kick in the balls! Trust me!
If you want to punish him for that, then go ahead. The female anonymous reader isn't considering that he can legally challenge you for child custody; if you just pickup and leave with his child. Just because you're jealous over something that "could have" happened; but didn't!
This all comes down to jealousy. You're going to do like so many hysterical overly-dramatic OP's we've heard from in the past. They got upset over what they snooped and found. Threw a hissy-fit, ended the relationship, cooled-off a few weeks later; and then wanted to go back to the way things were. Only, they screwed up what they had in the process;, and it will never be what it used to be. Insecurity kills relationships.
What you're forgetting, girlfriend; is you won the man without a fight. The angels were looking out for you!
Your trust isn't broken. You're just jealous.
I'm giving you the benefit of my experience and a little wisdom. This ordeal might be difficult for you to digest right now, but I suggest you think this over long and hard.
Okay, confront him and tell him how you snooped through his personal things spying on him. Reading old messages and putting two and two together. You'll look like a crazy lady.
Then he will see your dark-side. Suspicious, having no respect for another person's privacy, jealous, and immature.
Spying on him will be enough. He will shut-down, and have nothing more to say to you. He will have no further discussion of this matter with you. Your weapon is the cruelty of humiliation, going behind his back to find dirt.
Then throwing up in his face.
You'll cool-off about it in a few more days. Suddenly you'll decide you want to reconsider your actions. Don't expect him to just let you off the hook with your devious spying on him.
Once you've actually thought about how this really didn't warrant your childish reaction; don't expect to just come waltzing back like nothing ever happened, if you go ballistic over this. He has feelings too!
By the way; before you take that awful advice about running off with his child, you should sit on this and give it some more thought.
Weigh what you have, and how good it has been up to now.
Then if you do decide to confront him; you better know what you're going to say and do about it. You might just ruin the best thing you've ever had.
It all might backfire in your face anyway. Like I said. Go ahead. I know you'll regret it.
I know you're very young and this is a shock. You love the guy and he loves you. Just wait before you mess it all up.
That's all I'm saying. You have each other, a kid, and you got the guy. Now he realizes a pretty piece of ass isn't better than what ended up with. You're not his second choice, you're the better one! Unless you f*ck it up!
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A
female
reader, Jennygirl +, writes (10 December 2014):
Jennygirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I know that it was bad on my part to snoop, I even stated that!! But what about his mistrusts? So, it's ok in your book to be mistrusting as long as you don't get caught? You said that he then realized that he had a better thing with me. Didn't you read, I said he asked her time and time again, and she turned him down. what would have happened if she said yes?? I trusted him with my whole heart, and he broke that trust, and the only thing you can do is criticize me for snooping? I am asking for advice and not be criticized. I feel as though I was just his plan B since nothing else better came his way, but ignore that since I was the one who snooped!
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A
female
reader, Delirium +, writes (10 December 2014):
 You said this "friendly" advance happened 2 years ago, before you moved in together and before you had a child. It sounds like a case of wishful thinking during your long distance time period. While I'm not saying it was right of him to try to start another relationship while you were separated it does however sound innocent, like he genuinely asked her on a date, not asking for sex or a fling. Maybe at that time he was having doubts about continuing a long distance relationship, maybe he felt like he needed someone he could see every day, you know, all those problems that make any long distance relationship difficult. It sounds like after he was rejected he had a long look at what he really wanted out of life; which turned out to be you. He asked you to move in together. He has since then talked about marriage, and he is now a father. It sounds like your relationship is a happy and successful one. The reasons he still has her pictures; probably nostalgia. Sometimes it's hard to admit to ourselves that we are no longer the wild, young, exciting people we once were. We don't want to admit that things are final. We hold on to letters, pictures, nick-knacks, voicemails, etc. Heck, I know I still have pictures on my facebook of friends that I am no longer friends with and haven't gotten around to deleting them because they remind me of a better time. He hasn't kept in touch with the other lady it sounds like, he just hasn't gotten up the guts (or time) to deleting the 2 year old correspondence with her. He should probably move on and accept that what's gone is gone but you will also have to fess up to your snooping. You need to come up with a gentle and non-threatening way to bring up the topic. Encourage him to move on and be happy with his life now (which I'm sure he is, so that shouldn't be too hard) and try to reassure him that the distrustful snooping won't be a habitual thing. Maybe you can suggest that you both update your social accounts to reflect your current life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): You didn't go snooping for any good reason. You couldn't feel blessed and thankful for how things are going now.
Tell me, what good has come of what you've done? I think you're overreacting.
I think snooping is just a way to sabotage a relationship by trying to find dirt to throw at people. I think what you find is your just desert; because there are never good intentions behind spying on people. A suspicious-mind blows things out of proportion, and meanness twists the smallest of things into something nasty and distorted.
You've opened a can of worms and now you've disturbed the nest.
No, you should not confront him. It was a stupid mistake, and he realized what he has is a hell of a lot better.
Go ahead and throw a wrench into everything and f*ck it all up. Go ahead! I guarantee when you look back on it after the mess you've made, you'll regret it!
My dear, let it go!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): Honestly , get your child and get out ! I wasted twenty years of my life with a man who felt the same . I was second choice . To him, I was never as pretty as the young thin women he 'really ' wanted and he settled for me I think a lot of men do this because they know that the extremely attractive. Women are like one or two percent and their chances of getting one are remote ( you said she was very hot) I'm sure you are lovely too but maybe in a more average way like myself I left . I took a chance that maybe somehow somewhere there is a guy who is not all about looks and won't see me as second best or settling and hey, if not, if all men are like that and I never meet him well then I'm better off single Honey , pack up your little one , be strong and take a chance on being someone's number one choice from the beginning
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