| A
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I know what I did is bad, but I think what I found is worse...I snooped on my boyfriend's facebook account and found him talking to an ex flame which he told me they're just friends now...I would like a stranger's opinion on whether these kind of messages are "just friends" or something more...here's a direct sample: Him: Hey babe sorry I've got no credit to reply but got your msg missing you like crazy xoxoxoxHer: xo thats okay bub xoHim: How are you and [her child's name] ?Her: Great baby she's sleeping wbu? xHim: Nah just up late thinking about you really and what I can do to better myself for you and [her child's name] Her: Don't be silly hun you're perfect I couldn't ask for any better xoThere's also a bunch of suss messages on various dates where they've spoken to each other on the phone and are following up through messages on facebook. How do I address this? I think I am fair to say this is pretty black and white...there is no explaining ones self out of those sort of messages...is there?
View related questions:
cheated on me, facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014): Stop sleeping with this idiot. He is cheating - it is as clear as anything and he is not just having a fling - he is emotionally involved. Not sure if she knows about you - you might want to enlighten her just before you leave - feel kind of sorry for both of you as he is playing you both. Yuk. The worst, very worst, kind of man right there. I hope you move on with your life and find a lovely fella. Get out, just leave when he is out for the day so you don't get any hassle.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 If you confront him then it'll just blow up in your face because he'll turn it around and make you look like the bad guy. Just leave with dignity, not for him but for yourself. What can even come off confronting him? Finger pointing? Accusations? Allegations? Denials? Screaming/shouting/ yelling?
Do you really even want to put with with this ass for any longer? Just dump him immediately and walk out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 You didn't snoop by mistake. You snooped because somethings weren't adding up and you don't trust him.
And guess what? You were right. He ISN'T trustworthy.
When people feel the NEED to go through their partners phone/FB/e-mail it's because they don't trust them, but also because they do not trust themselves either. They DO NOT want to believe what their gut is telling them. And this is more typical for women than men. We don't WANT to be "mean" by not trusting or suspecting foul play.
So what do you do now? Well, you CAN confront him and I bet you he will sing a song of his people... With that, I mean he will first be mad that you snooped, then spin some pretty yarn about how innocent that conversation really was, and how crushed he is that you do not trust HIM... and then you will feel bad and stay, just to PROVE to him that you really really trust him... even if you don't...
Or you can pack your stuff, disentangle yourself from him in every way, if you live together find a room to rent or a place to rent and have friend help you move. Make sure your name isn't on any utilities and so forth.
He isn't over her, she isn't over him - over all I don't think THEY are really over.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 October 2014):
 It sure sucks to snoop and find something like this....
BUT there IS a "bright side" to the matter. That is, that you learned this now, rather than after you'd cast your lot with this cad....
Feel bad about snooping - for about 10 minutes.... then dump this cad, and get on with your life....
Good luck....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): Is the child mentioned his child too? Is this baby mama drama?
It boggles my mind why people who don't trust people keep them around; and stoop to sneaking around to see what they're up to? If I think people are untrustworthy, I don't form commitments with them. The discussion on my second date with anyone, is how long since their last relationship; and if they stay in-touch with their ex. If they broke-up recently, or seem too close to an ex? I don't even bother to get serious about them. We date, that's it.
I feel absolutely sleazy going through another person's phone or computer behind their backs. I wouldn't need to, and I wouldn't stand for them doing it to me. I don't want to be a part of a relationship like that.
Are you holding on to your evidence for a big blow out; or have you started packing your bags? He lied, you caught him in it, and yet you still stay with him?
If it is your decision to forgive him, I don't think it will be real forgiveness. You snooped and will always do that. Once you do that, it becomes a habit.
I think if you keep him, it will only be because you just don't want her to have him. I hope you don't do that to yourself. It sounds to me like he is already planning to leave on his own. Maybe it's a good thing that you know; so you can get his or your bags ready. Keeping him would not be a good idea.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): First of all, I'm sorry, I know how much this must hurt.
Be glad you snooped and found out. This isn't how you talk to a fb friend.
It is black and white and if you confront him I'm sure he'll try to lie his way out of it, or blame you for looking. Don't settle for someone like this.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (6 October 2014):
 I'm sorry that you are going through this, but the instincts that led you to check up on this guy were apparently dead on.
Nope, two people who are "just friends" do not say those things to each other.
So he lied to you when you initially asked him the question, and since he has yet to come clean to you about any of this, he is still lying by omission.
So you have a partner who is, at a minimum, cheating on you emotionally and then lying to you about it. And I agree with SVC - if he's been lying about it so far, I don't think his response to a confrontation will suddenly become truthful. For whatever reason he is still interested in this ex of his, yet not interested enough to break up with you and go be with her properly. He likes the attention from both of you and to preserve this arrangement he is likely to tell you whatever lies he thinks you'd be most likely to fall for.
Also, I hate to say it but he's probably cheating on you physically as well as emotionally. Stringing his ex along with these sweet nothings takes time and effort on his part and SOMETHING - probably physical intimacy - is motivating that effort.
Address it by leaving him and never looking back, because you can do so much better than someone who thinks you (or anyone else) deserve to be lied to and cheated on.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 October 2014):
 you address this by leaving.
you clearly didn't trust him in the first place, now you have proof and you won't ever believe him.
if you confront him he will say things like "you misunderstand" "i'm just telling her things she needs to hear" or any other lies.
best thing to do is say "bf, I think we have different needs and ideas about relationships and I think it's time for us to part ways" if he asks why you can say that you don't think he's over his ex yet.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (6 October 2014):
I know this must be hurtful.But you are right there is no way your boyfriend can explain himself out of these messsages as you say they are in Black and White.Just confront him and state that you know about these messages.Before you do that decide No1- Are you willing to forgive him, or No2- have you decided to finish with him.But remember it will be hard to TRUST him agin.In this case he will have to earn your trust if you decide to forgive him.Best Wishes NORA B
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): "How do I address this?"
You can either trust your judgment and respond accordingly by dumping him or you can confront him and give him the opportunity to deny, lie and then finally throw everything back in your face by blaming you for snooping before he forgives you and takes you back.
"I think I am fair to say this is pretty black and white...there is no explaining ones self out of those sort of messages...is there?"
No, but I suspect you're frothing at the mouth for an opportunity to confront him regardless because your ego demands the satisfaction of saying "I told you so" even if it's just going to blow up in your face.
...............................
A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (6 October 2014):
 I'm sorry, but it does look like he's not only cheating but making serious attempts to get back with his ex behind your back.
I would either confront him, and let him know that you know what's going on and let him explain things. Have a serious discussion with him...
Or, I would just cut your losses now and end it with him.
I suggest the latter, since it looks like he wants to keep cheating and eventually leave you for her and her child. If you nip things in the bud now, and beat him to the punch YOU will feel so much better in the long run.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): These 2 exchanges from him to her:
1) Missing you like crazy
2) Up late thinking about you really and what I can do to better myself for you and (her child's name.
Is ALL I would need to read to dump his ass. What a loser.
Save yourself any future pain and find yourself a real man that will treat you right and not do these things behind your back.
Remember, if he is doing this to you, he could do this to her as well, if not now, later in life. Let her be the next victim.
Get out while you can.
...............................
|
