A
male
age
30-35,
*oveSickIdiot
writes:Sorry for the long question, but this is one seriously messed up situation and I would really appreciate any and all answers I can get.I'm a 19 year old college freshman. I live in the dorms and the most beautiful girl in the world (who is the same age as me) lives across the hall from me. At the start of semester, we met and I liked her. She had a boyfriend who she had been dating for about a year and a half. So, I respected that relationship and I kept my distance.However, she kept inviting me over to her room to watch TV. At first, we just watched TV. After a while, we started talking and, eventually, we were falling for each other. One day she came over to my room and we made out. The next day she broke up with her boyfriend and she told me that she was all mine.Things were going pretty good for about a week. Then we had sex and she told me she loved me. She is the first girl that I've kissed. This whole sex and love and forever and ever stuff was a bit much for me to handle. I started to doubt my feelings. I was worried that I was supposed to love her (even though we had only known each other for a month). So, I freaked out. She came into my room and I told her (I don't know why) that I didn't have feelings for her and that I never had feelings for her and that I had faked the entire relationship and that the sex was meaningless. None of that is true, that's just how I felt at the time. She asked if I was breaking up with her and I told her no. I really had no idea what I was doing at the time and I had no control over myself.We stayed in a sort-of relationship for a few days after that. During those days, she met a guy who I've come to hate. At the end of our sort-of relationship she told me that it was over. I realized that I had made a huge mistake in letting her go, so I immediately began trying to fix the situation. I got her roses, chocolates, and a handwritten card. I gave those to her and I apologized. It seemed like she was going to give me a chance, but then she told me no.A few days later, her and the new guy we in her room watching TV. I was hurt and confused. She told me she loved me and yet here she is, hanging out with a new guy. I was visibly angry and she asked me what was wrong. I told her that I saw that she was speeding a lot of time with this new guy and that it looked a lot like she was dating him. She tried to tell me that nothing was happening, but everyone in the dorms and I knew better. You just can't hide these things you know?About a month after she told me she wasn't dating this new guy, I posted some stuff on Facebook. I pointed out how she really wasn't taking my feelings into consideration. This caused a huge outburst and I had to apologize. We started talking and I told her how much it hurt me to see her instantly move on after she spent two weeks telling me that she loved me and that I was special. She asked if I wanted a hug and I said yes and we held each other for about 15 minutes. I told her I loved her and she started crying and said that we couldn't be together. She told me that she wants to be friends and that she wants me to know that she refuses to date me again. Then she made a lame excuse to leave and she left. That night, the new guy came over and they watched a movie in her room.So here are my questions:1) Since she started a new relationship about three days after we broke up, did she ever really love me, or is she trying to make me jealous?2) Is this new guy a rebound, am I a rebound and this new guy is for real, or are we both rebounds?3) I love this girl. Do I have any chance of getting her back? If I can, how?Thanks in advance for any replies. This is all I can think about and I'm starting to go crazy.PS: The new guy is a looser. His humor is the annoying kind, he has memorized all the pokemon, and he loves watching anime. Wow. I wonder why more girls aren't lined up trying to get his attention (note the sarcasm).
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (17 November 2010):
 You could try and ask her if she would like to hang out with you and some of your friends. Then you can see just exactly how she feels about this.
If she does feel this way, you could try and talk to her again and I say this because, even though she may object against it, it is what you both need to move on. You need to ask whether or not she is willing to give you one more chance but you have to promise that you will not hurt her again and you have to mean it. If she says yes, cherish that chance. If she says no, then you can only continue trying to be her friend.
I hope that helps.
A
male
reader, LoveSickIdiot +, writes (16 November 2010):
LoveSickIdiot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk big problem. I was talking to my ex after class yesterday and I told her that she looks tired. She said that she did feel really tired. I suggested that she should get some more sleep (she's been staying up until two in the morning every night for the past month). She said that she didn't want to go to sleep. I asked her why. She told me that she didn't want to go to sleep because she didn't want to have dreams. So I thought why wouldn't she want to dream? I think it's because she dreams about me and she doesn't want to have those dreams because they hurt because (in her mind) it's over.
Last night I was in her roommate's room just having a conversation. Another one of her roommates and one of my roommates came over too. We didn't even realize that my ex was in her room. We thought that she was gone so we didn't knock to ask if she wanted to join us. Today she told me that she felt left out because she wasn't included.
When we broke up, she severed all ties to everyone. I guess that's just how she deals with things. Now she's going around making friends with everyone and she's never home. I think that she's lonely and misses me and her roommates and my roommates. I think she's really sad and remembers how happy she was before we broke up.
So… am I right to assume those things? How do I get her to feel included again?
PS: I know I'm a jerk. I know it's my fault she feels this way. Please don't insult me. I made a mistake and I'm trying to fix it. Please help me.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (15 November 2010):
She gave all those other boyfriends second chances? Surely she must have realized how pointless those were if they resulted in more heartache for her anyway. She must have thought that you would turn out the same. Do not lose hope though, if you be there as her friend, she may decide that she wishes to be with you again later on. But like I said, giver her some space and time to recover.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, LoveSickIdiot +, writes (14 November 2010):
LoveSickIdiot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do not need you people to insult me or tell me that what I did was appalling. My conscious is taking care of that. I know that what I did is unacceptable and I've been trying to fix it. I was not trying to "buy her off" when I apologized with the flowers and chocolates and card. I was trying to show her how much I appreciate her. And I didn't just give them to her and just say "take me back." I spent an hour telling her how wrong I was and how I wouldn't do that again. Also, a freakout on my part was not inevitable. I was inexperienced and it was too much too fast. I love this woman and I hate myself for breaking her heart into a million pieces like all the other guys. What I did goes against all of my morals. I still have no idea why I decided to say those things. What I just don't understand is that she gave all her previous boyfriends second chances, but not me. Not the man she said was special and made her feel things that she had never felt before. I love her and I know that I need to give her space. So, could you please cut the guilt trip and just answer my questions?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Let this be a learning experience. Learn from it, or face more relationship break ups in the future. I think you need to rebuild your reputation by perhaps volunteering in a charity program, where you can see others less fortunate than you, and helping those less fortunate people might help you to develop more humility, empathy and concern for the feelings of others. What you did was appalling. And trying to then appease/buy her off/seek her forgiveness with chocolates and flowers was insensitive and bound to fail. You started a relationship you were emotionally unable to handle due to your inexperience, impetuosity and immaturity. Respecting people is very important, as is treating others with respect. An honorable man would not deliberately try to hurt people, as you have hurt this girl. For her own welfare this girl is distancing herself from you. She needs to do this for her self preservation. She liked you. She said goodbye to her previous bf to be with you. And how did you respond? With rude petulant inconsiderate behavior.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (14 November 2010):
Why does she not want to date you anymore? I imagine she must have shattered inside when you told her that everything was fake. I cannot even begin to understand why she decided to continue that "sort-of-relationship" with you anyway, she must have loved you a lot. Did you tell her why you did it? That you did not know what you were doing at the time?
I suppose you can only try to be her friend and with all your feelings for her swelling your heart with contempt for this new man, you can only hope that one day she truly recovers from what you did and how you did it, perhaps one day she will change her mind about you. Of course she still feels something for you if your hug lasted 15 minutes and ended with tears pouring out of her eyes. Still, you cannot say anymore, nor can you continue to tell her how you feel about her. She knows but she has to be given time to sort her thoughts out from the havoc you have wrought upon it.
I hope that helps.
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