A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just dont know what to do anymore, i think that im over my ex then i see him with another girl and i fall apart. we broke up more than a year ago but we slept together a while ago and i thought this might mean that we could get back together..I always believed we would get back together. I cannot stand the thought of him with another girl, it kills me. I dont think i can face it. Im desperate what do i do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): Don't sleep with him again. It's not a good idea. My ex wife and I tried that many years ago 8 or 10 months after she left me. Both of us had started dating others again, but she decided that she wanted to try it again with us. We were still in contact and she invited me down to her house for some paperwork, which she just happened to keep in the bedroom. Well, we ended up in bed that night and 2 or 3 more nights. I thought it might be a bad idea, but didn't make much of an effort to talk her out of it. Not good on my part, but I thought that we might be able to get back together again.
My ex started dating before I did after she left me, but I had already realized that it was over for us and it didn't bother me much. It was very tough for me the first 2 months, but after that I began to see that I needed to start a new life and starting going out with friends. I wasn't looking for a girlfriend at first, but I did go out and enjoy myself on the weekend. I had a friend who was also going through a divorce.
The worst part for both of us was when I decided that it was not a good idea for us to try it again. I had a difficult time telling her that because I knew it would hurt her. I didn't want to do that again. I'm sure it was more hurtful for her than it was for me, but it made me sad to tell her no after we had been sleeping together and having the best sex that I think we ever had. It was not a good idea for either one of us.
You say that your ex has never forgiven you for dating that other guy after you broke up. So what? Why do you care if he has forgiven you? What did you do wrong? Nothing. You weren't still living together. You had called it quits, so both of you had every right to date others. You also said the you thought that the sex meant more to him than just sex. Perhaps it did, so don't think that he just used you. He might have or he might not have. The sex with my ex meant more to me than just sex. I had a girlfriend and was already having the best sex of my life. I had sex with my ex because I thought there might be a chance to get back together again.
You need to realize that it is most likely over and start out on your new life. Go out with friends or work associates and just have fun. Take advantage if you meet a nice guy and get to know him. You have already dated others, so why should he not do the same. Just try to let go of him and think about your own life. Think about where you want to go from here. Sometimes we just have to forget about the past and look at what is best for our future. It might be difficult, but it is necessary. The longer we wait to let go, the more hurtful it becomes.
A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (7 September 2008):
 Rule number one of breaking up, hun - No sex with the ex. It just gives you false hope. I have a few suggestions:
-As one of the previous answerers said, block him out of your life now - on your phone, on facebook, any way possible.
-Draw a line in the sand now. It is over and he's not your responsibilty anymore. If he gets with someone else, he can because he's not part of you anymore.
-Every morning look into the mirror and say " I do NOT need him. He's not part of me and I'm not going to stay stuck in the rut anymore because I lived without him before I met him and I'm gonna do the same now. I DON'T need him."
It will get easier, I promise.
-Listen to self empowerment music. Expecially in the morning...something that makes you feel really strong and happy about yourself. I'm sure there's a few songs that make you feel that way. Or maybe even music that makes you dance or sing along.
-Keep busy. Just keep working and when you feel yourself beginning to think about him, block it out. Change your trail of thought or just clear your head.
-Try to do something that you wouldn't usually do every day. When I split up with my boyfriend and was devastated like you are now, I started cooking and baking, drawing, playing the piano.. It will make you feel better about yourself. Re-discover yourself. When you get with someone, you leave the person who knows you best, behind - you.
-When you feel really really down and feel like you can't cope, visualise a train. Put him on the train with all his belongings on it. Slam the door and watch the train chug its way into the distance.
I was told to do this by someone on this site when I had trouble getting over my ex and I found it worked really well.
Be strong, you will get through this, I swear. When I split up with my ex I was like you - completley and utterly devastated and it felt even worse when he got with his ex. But I got through it and so will you. Just be patient and strong and I promise it will get easier and you will look back on this and think " Why did I waste my time with that loser?!" I know I did.
Take care of yourself, hun.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, thats some really good advice i appreciate it, its good to know other people have been in this position too. To that last anonymous answer, i also live in small town so hes kinda impossible to avoid so i dont know wht to do. I know i made the wrong decision by sleeping with him when we werent together. The reason i keep hoping that its more than that is because i always got the feeling, like a gut feeling (intuition) or whatever that he still loved me as much as i loved him, judging by how he would act when i was with that other guy and you know the way we would just look at each other when ever we saw each other. Also all the contact we had been in. Thats why i thought that the sex must mean more than just sex to him?? This has gone on for a year. I really am at the end of the line. I think i will cut contact with him and if he gets in contact i should be honest about my feelings and make it clear that i am not interested in no - strings attached sex. It just doesnt seem like there is any hope at the minute.I also feel like there is something wrong with me that he has chosen someone else over me. I feel ugly and worthless. Also many of the girls he has been with since we broke up have been younger than me which also makes me insecure.(Me and my ex bf are both 21, the girls he seems be seeing are like 17/18/19). I know that might sound irrational but at the moment i feel like a desperate worthless person that no other guy would ever go near..
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): Desperate????? For a man???? No, you are not serious....you might think so with your heart, but if you sit still and take stock, you know you DESERVE so much better; you might me needy of LOVE; you might need company or whatever, but you need to go and take stock of your NEEDS and WANTS;and you have to let go of this person is has taken your "power" and your "control"Get in touch with yourself; establish your needs and wants; do not allow any guy or person to take your power; your life must be about you and your happiness first; I suggest you get out there, meet new people and be in control of what you want and how you plan your FUTURE.I am sure there is no room for losers in your life! So really girl, pick up the pieces and MOVE ON.Let tomorrow be the new beginging of a new life for you!
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female
reader, Bubblegum-Pink +, writes (7 September 2008):
 OK I can relate to this hun. You obviously need help in moving on, which is fine. Be honest with a mate, two at the very most, that you COMPLETELY TRUST and tell them how you're feeling. My best mate made me a CD called "Your CD for getting over you're ex". It helped TONS. Your friends will want to support you. Try and socialise loads, go to parties and meet new people and you will soon realise that you don't need him any more. Good luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): If it will give you closure, then yes ask him. It isnt fair that he has just left you dangling on a piece of string like this. But if he does say that he has moved on and doesnt want to get back with you, then you really need to make a clean break....no sex afterwards and if its possible just cut all contact until you feel strong enough to see him again. I know how you feel, I honestly do. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone, I will guaranteed bump into my ex on a night out or even a trip to the supermarket!! So yes, get your answers and then accept it and move on. You will only be hurting yourself if you keep trying to repair something that is broken.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 September 2008):
 Sorry, I think that, if he wanted to be back with you, he'd already be doing something.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (7 September 2008):
A difficult part of breaking up and moving on is that we need to consciously say no to what we so desperately want. However, we need to do it, and that is in our best interest. This is what you have to do. You have to accept that he isn't coming back, despite your deep love for him. You also need to think about your own needs and expectations, and live your life as happily as possible. So, you need to try to find someone new and enjoy life again.
It's not easy, I know, but it pays off. Do it and you won't feel sorry you did.
All the best for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): This is so hard. Im in the same position as you.....my ex left me, we slept together afterwards then he gets a new girlfriend. I know everything that youre going through and it is devastating. The saddest part is that the "sex" thing afterwards really is just sex.....an easy lay if you like just something that they wanted and knew we would give them. Women tend to become more emotionally attached while men just see it as sex.
The best thing u can do right now is accept its over. I have changed my mobile number and blocked him from my facebook. I have also told my friends not to tell me any gossip they may have heard about him and his new gf. And at the weekends, instead of going into town with my friends where I usually see him, Im going to do other things or go and see other friends in other towns, just until I feel ready to be able to see him without breaking down. Anything to cut him out of my life completely.
Ive also been through the desperate stage and you will feel like this for as long as you dont accept that its over. You need to stop telling yourself he might be coming back because this will stop you from getting over him. But I know what youre thinking.......you cant handle seeing him with another girl. But sweetie you are going to have to sooner or later. It does kill, I wont lie. It can also knock your self esteem a bit and you do feel like shit, but I can promise you that feeling doesnt last. When I found out my ex had a new gf, and it was only a few days after I had slept with him, I seen him in town kissing her.....it was like i,d been stabbed through the heart. I went home and locked myself away for a few days and just cried until I couldnt no more. Getting it out of your system like that helps, but its also good to have friends and family behind you.
This is the second time I have had my heartbroken so I know what to expect, the emotions you feel etc. The first time, again I was dumped for another woman, I really and truly believed I would never get over it. I considered therapy and even hypnosis to make me forget the guy. But in the end, although it was about a year later, I was completely over him. I now look at him and think urrgg. It may take a while hun but the feeling doesnt last forever, I promise you.
Although you are desperate now, doing things like begging him and crying to him really wont work and will only make you feel bad in the long run. So I would cut him out of your life completely and spend some time on yourself, which is all I can do too. You can private message me if you ever feel like you need to x
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you think i should ask him? Just be honest? We have been pussyfooting around the issue of "us" for the past year. Its just a mess. We have both been with other people since we broke up obviously. There was a period where i was seeing another guy (who my ex bf knows also - we were all in same grade in school) and basically i chose this other guy over my ex cos i wanted to move on but i dont think my ex has forgiven me for that. i soon realized that i did want my ex not this new guy. It was at this point that me and my ex started contacting each other again, talking, messaging etc., and then thats when we slept together a few weeks ago now. Do you think he might be trying to get me back. im a mess right now i dont know what to do. i almost died when i saw him with that other girl. i cant face seeing him every weekend with her.
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female
reader, Britishrose +, writes (7 September 2008):
 You poor thing,Its very clear you still feel strong feelings fowards your ex and being with him again. rekindling old flames towards you two being together again may have given you the boost to think of how you feel about this guy, No one likes the thought of someone they like with another person its the worst feeling in the world and your helpless but the truth is your not helpless do what you feeling is needed to be done let him know how your feeling and talk your way though it together .Although what I would like to know is have you and your ex talked about getting back together yet? or was it a spear of the moment thing sleeping together because your attracted to him still?. Maybe you should talk to him,Most guys take things likely give him a nudge and tell him how you about him(not too much though be suttle) and what you would like out of potinally being together or if you think your over him being apart.
In the mean time stay strong and think of what you really want out of this guy.
Love british Rose x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): Don't sleep with him again he will just be using u to see if he can and he obviously can.
If he is with someone else then he aint going to get back together with u if he splits up with them then comes running back to you he may just be doing it to get u into bed so DON'T fall for it. You just have to get on with ur life u will find someone else when the time is right but for now go out and enjoy urself.
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female
reader, SugarCookie  +, writes (7 September 2008):
Having sex with someone when you aren't together will never get you with them. Why would he need to have a commitment with you if he can have sex with you and someone else. Its not cheating if your not together.
I know that it will be hard to see him with someone else but soon you will find someone else and wonder what you saw in your ex.
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female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (7 September 2008):
 no having children or sex nothing will work unless he wants to be with you. you can ask him if he would like to be with you again but other than that i hate to say its pretty much over between the two of you and your just people who have sex it would seem..sorry good luck aphex xx
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female
reader, lilla  +, writes (7 September 2008):
 Hi I'm sorry you feel like this, it's a no win situation until time takes it's course. It's never a good idea to sleep with your ex, you will always regret it. I know this is going to sound harsh but this is what you need at the moment. GET YOURSELF TOGETHER GIRL!!! Take a long look at yourself and see what you have to offer, what this loser didn't appreciate and stop with the self-pity....it's pathetic. It's human nature to want what you can't have and you are only making yourself miserable.Look forward, I promise you that when you get over this, you'll meet him in the street some day and wonder to yourself what all the fuss was about. You are wasting your time and your energy. Is he REALLY REALLY worth it?
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