A
female
age
51-59,
*ARAHK
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend for 5 years i left a violent marriage to be with him. The last two years have been very bad i discovered i was pregnant but had to terminated as he "wasnt ready for the comittment" my father was diagnosed with cancer and died in October of last year. As an only child i felt anger and frustration at not being able to control an out of control personality disorder which in January of this year was diagnosed as over active thyroid. i am now taking anti depressants and drugs to stop my thyroid over acting. my behaviour and general well being has been fantastic and up to this week i had had a cross word with my boyfriend. we had an argument and it ended with me slapping his arm in temper. He has this morning left me a good bye note scribbled on the back of a telephone bill saying that he isnt a punch bag and he has had enough. Weve taken on a bigger mortgage to get our house done and i cannot understand why he would do this after everything we have been through and come out of together. He added at the bottom of the note that he still loved me. so why is he doing this.
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (19 April 2007):
 Hi,
I really do feel for you, but he is right he's not a punch bag. For whatever reason you felt you had to stay in your previous relationship, he does not see this as exceptable. And lets face facts, he's right. But you have been through an awfull lot, so maybe give him time to cool down and he will come back.
I have a friend who could be you, she grew up watching her mother get beaten by her father, and then went into a relationship where she got beaten black and blue. The sad thing was her Mum died, although she wished it had been her dad.
Then she met a lovely Guy, but one night after a drink, she got jealous while they were out, and slaped him in front of his mates. He suffered a terrible black eye, and that night he left her.
She was devastated, and begged him to come home. He stayed away for about 5 nights, then went back but he wouldnt speak to her.
I can tell you, it certainly taught her a lesson, that violence is wrong. No matter how wound up you are.
Now the good news, they are ok, and he forgave her, as long as she went to anger managment classes. She is a changed person, and they are having there first baby in a few months.
So dont give up hope.XX
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (19 April 2007):
 He walked because you assaulted him. Whatever else is going on in your relationship it can never be acceptable to lose it to the point of being violent - or him being violent to you. If he hadn't left then it wouldn't have made you face up to things.
You clearly have a LOT going on your life at the moment - it can take a long time for a thyroid problem to resolve itself and that can definitely influence your mood. Over-activity of the thyroid can be associated with manic depression type symptoms (up, down all over the place feelings). You are still grieving for your father, dealing with financial problems and you seem angry about the termination as if you did it for the sake of your partner. It seems to me that you have a lot on your plate, but your boyfriend cannot be expected to carry the load too as he isn't a saint. Maybe you are not in a time and place in your life when you can deal with a relationship on top of everything else going on. You may find that having some time by yourself helps you deal with these issues and seek professional help to deal with stress management.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 April 2007):
 It sounds like you've had a tough time lately and it may have taken it's toll on the relationship. Have you considered counselling about your issues, either as a couple or on your own. These problems can be solved. This does not make you evil or a terrible wife.
Let me be the devils advocate for a moment though..... Your husband is going through tough times at work, his job is on the line. His parents are old and frail and he has to take care of them also. The bills are overdue and he's feeling very stressed out, his atttitude is really bad. He's hard to live with. He comes home one night and the two of you argue. Then he punches you in the nose.
EVERYBODY in the world would be telling you to call the police, leave him, he's mentally and physically abusive, nobody should take that kid of treatment, just because he has issues is no reason to hit you etc... You could probably leave, get shelter from some organization, money, food etc. He would go to jail and everyone would think he was a rotten abuser.
Do you get my point? You abused him. You hit him. You have no right to strike him. He has no right to strike you. This is the opposite of what we often hear. It's still wrong though. Men are supposed to be able to take the abuse. Men are looked at as weak though if we complain about such treatment. The police might have just laughed at him, had he called. That is why many men suffer in silence. Men probably suffer from mental abuse as much as women but because we are "generally" the more agressive ones, we remain quiet. Women have a lot of power in relationships and use it to control mens behaviour all the time. That would be the mental aspect.
I'm getting off topic. The point is, he's taking the stance many womenmight take. Fair is fair. You hit him. You're still asking why he's reacting this way though and that is the odd part. He's acting this way because you lost control and hit him! Period. That was the straw that broke the camels back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): I really feel for you, you've been through a rough time and it must sometimes feel very confusing.
I've been in a similar situation myself. If your boyfriend loves you surely he would understand that you were not fully in control of yourself. Violence in any form to anyone is simply unacceptable and like you I found out the hard way.
Have you apologised? I don't mean have you simply said sorry cos sometimes that can seem a little patronising. I mean have you considered what happened and apologised to him? Ask him if you can discuss what happened, tell him how you felt and that you realise what happened could have been avoided and you could have handled the situation differently. But make sure you believe yourself what you say to him, making up excuses doesn't really work, evaluation does, it will help you both to understand and perhaps find a way of ensuring it doesn't happen again.
I wish you well and hope you can work things out. xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): Id give him time to cool off for a bit. You should hear something from him by the latest 2 days. Ive done the same thing before, only it wasnt the guys arm. He took the 2 min out to write you a note and didnt just walk out the door, that should be a good sign. Hes likley just surprised that you slapped him. Youve been thogether for 5 years, and one little slip up isnt gonna ruin that whole time youve shared together, if it does i'd question the realitionship from the start. A mortgage is a commitment, might not be a baby but its still a big step.
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A
female
reader, XXpussycatXX +, writes (19 April 2007):
hya hun
soz to hear about all this...he just needs time to calm down a bit or he may something that he will regret or do something...you need to sit down and speak to him about it and appologise say you were in the wrong and it wont happen...it really hard i know but it something you have got to do hope this helps
xxxx
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