A
female
age
41-50,
*orboleta
writes:I hope that someone can give me advice about my situation. I started dating this guy a couple of months ago and things have been great. We knew each other before but at that time we were both married. I have been separated from my ex for nearly 10 months now. He and his ex started having problems about 7 months ago but officially moved out of the same house 5 months ago. When we ran into each other I wasn't looking for a relationship, he said that he wasn't either. We kissed that night and he said that it was the first time he kissed someone since he and his ex split. From that moment on he started to shower my with affection. He called and texted me at least 6 times a day, he brought me flowers on Valentine's Day to my work! This was something completely unexpected because we hadn't even had an official date before that. After V-day, he started spending nearly every night at my house. He charmed all of my roommates (and they are male) by bringing wine and including them in conversations. He met all of my friends and he introduced me to all of his. This went on for weeks until one night one of my friend's asked him if he was my boyfriend. I hadn't heard but later he told me that he had said "yes," and waited for my reaction. This continued for over one month. He would always say what an amazing woman I am and how he has grown attached to me so quickly. He frequently told me how he couldn't believe how comfortable he felt around me and it seemed like he'd known me for years. He also told me how he couldn't believe they way I charmed all of his friends and everyone I met. I couldn't help falling for such a nice, romantic man. We had the best conversations (something he said that he never had with his ex). He was always very open with me. From the beginning, he told me that he wasn't sure if he was ready for me because of just getting out of the relationship but since he was always showering me with affection, I didn't think that he thought too much about that. The only concern he voiced was that he was getting really attached to me (I always said that was a good thing). He also made a couple of comments in a sort of joking way that our romance would end after I graduated because I would leave. All of my friends encouraged me to date him because they saw his reaction around me, the way he looked at me, etc...Things were going this way for over a month until one weekend he didn't come by. I was disappointed but since he works late on weekends, I thought that he was just tired. Later I found out that he spent the weekend thinking. This was Easter weekend. This was the first time that he said he thought that maybe we have different goals in life. I am not sure how so and didn't ask him to elaborate because I am currently working on a dissertation and didn't want to have an in-depth, emotional conversation until the dissertation was due (it's due in 3 weeks).From that moment on, he started to text and call me a lot less. He stopped saying how attached to me he is, stopped saying that he adores me and stopped coming to my house as much. He was always still nice to me and affectionate when we were together just showed it a little less than before (texting less and not expressing his feelings for me). I still didn't say anything because of my need to focus on my studies. We never fought and still had great conversations.After a few weeks of this, he started a serious conversation with me. He and his ex are still friends and apparently they had a fight the night before, which still affected him the next day. He told me again that he was afraid that we have different goals because he wants to return to Brazil in a couple of years. (He's Brazilian and I'm American and we are living in the UK). I told him that I don't mind because I have no problem to go there again to live (I lived in Brazil for nearly 5 years, speak Portuguese and have a Brazilian green card). He questioned if I really liked him and I said of course. We talked a bit more and he seemed REALLY happy. He kept smiling, started kissing me and said that now he has new questions in his mind.He called me that night to say goodnight (it was a Wednesday) and called every ight after that but still hadn't come over (something rare). I had thought that after the "talk" things would improve. Now, when he called his voice didn't even sound as happy to talk to me..but he still called a couple of times a day. Then that Friday night he told me via telephone that he needs some time alone to sort himself out. I asked him if he thought this would take a long time and sort of laughed but he said no. I was really upset but I tried not to show it and said ok. The next day my roommates and I had a cookout with some friends. I sent him a text to invite him but he called later and said that he couldn't because he was busy. A few hours later my friend called to say that he was at her restaurant (this is normal because it's near his work and he has friends there). She had asked him about me and he told her (according to her, whom I believe) that he was still in love with his ex so he needed some time to think. I was sad so I asked my friends to go out with me that night. While I was out with them he called me. His voice was different this time and seemed happy and upbeat. He laughed and asked where I was (the music was loud). I told him and he said that if his roommate came home he'd meet me. So he said that he'd call me later. We changed clubs and then I noticed I had 2 missed calls from him. I called him back and he had gone to the club where I had been and we decided to meet up at another club. We did and had a great night (one of my friends said "wow you're boyfriend really takes good care of you" regarding the way he was with me that night. In fact, he stayed with me that night (Saturday), all the next day and night as well. He was super affectionate again. My friends are a little protective of me but told me later that he looked really happy with me. On Monday I went to the library and he did some of his things. I didn't think that he'd want to see me again but he did. He asked me to come to his house to stay the night, so I did. It was great and seemed like things were back to normal-he was so affectionate. He even went downstairs to get his new roommate to meet me. The next day he took me to the restaurant where he works before he stated working and made coffee for us (he introduced me to the few employees I hadn't already met). On Tuesday night he didn't stay at my place to spend time with his friend/roommate at home who just moved to our town.The next day (today) he came to my house to help me translate something. When he got to my house he seemed normal. Kissed and hugged me at the door, smiled when he saw me, etc. When we got upstairs he did the same while translating. (He did this during his work break). He still had some time left so we sat on the bed and started to talk about my concerns about my studies and he stroked my hair saying it would be ok. Then he got serious again. I jokingly asked what was wrong. The he said it...what all this has been building up to: I think we should take a break so you can work on your dissertation and I can think. I couldn't believe it. I asked him 3 times if he likes me or not and he said "yes how could i not" but he needs time to breathe. He said that he needs to find himself. (He and his ex were together for 2 1/2 years). He also said that he was afraid that I like him more than he likes me! That was hard for me to believe considering all the attention he always gave me and the things he said. He also said that a relationship should be progressing at this point (we have been together just over 2 months). He said that he has a lot of pressure on him from his family in Brazil, his son (he has a son from a former girlfriend in Brazil) and other pressures (he didn't elaborate). I told him that he didn't seem worried when he was with me and he said that he's never worried about things when he's with me and that he's very happy. So I said I don't understand why he wants to spend time away from me if he likes me so much. He mentioned again that after I graduate I will want to find a job some place and wouldn't really want him to go (this isn't true and I tried to tell him that). He said that I had plenty of time to find myself after my ex and I split but he hasn't. I asked if he was planning or wanted to go back to his ex but he said no, not at all. He also said who knows maybe he will regret this. He said that he wants to be friends and that he would call me later tonight. I told him I don't know what the point is to call me if he wants time alone. I didn't yell or anything but I was trying hard not to cry, so I told him thanks a lot for adding the extra stress right now.I am now really upset and confused. I am not going to call him to pressure him or bother him. I know that you can't make someone change their mind by begging. I just don't know what to think. Why would someone who seems so happy just decide to do this? I really, really like him but I am not sure if he truly likes me. Could it be that he was just afraid to tell me that he doesn't really like me? I mean, do people who like you ask for a break or need to be alone? Isn't that just a nice way of breaking up? Could his feelings truly have changed? Should I just let go? I am afraid that I will never hear from him again and this hurts so much. Sorry this is so long but it just happened this afternoon and I'm heartbroken. He's the first guy I've dated in 7 months and I was certain he was the one. I liked everything about him. I don't know if maybe I pushed him away by asking if his family would like me, etc. I hope someone out there can help me try to figure things out..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007): Hi honey ! I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your pain. i couldn't help but cry as I read this. I am going through the same problem as you. It does hurt and I wish that he could come to his senses and see what a wonderful loving person you are. Unfortunately for me, we both love each other but could NEVER be together. Our lives are way too complicated. I really hope that your love comes back to you. As someone already mention, you cannot know what is going on in his mind.You seem to have wonderful friends,maybe they can help you by keeping you busy.But I know, you only want him, God moves mountains, talk to him. Good luck my dear.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2007): Hi, this is a bad place to be - I know what you are feeling and it is difficult not to beg. The patients wear thin and you start to doubt yourself more and more... The thing to try and remember is that, you found this one and if push came to shuv you would and could find another. There is no way to read his mind so all you have is what he chooses to tell you and if he is unsure about what he wants/needs then what he tells you may not be the truth. You have been together for 2 months so know him enough to know when he is telling the truth... and if you don't then trust what your gutt tells you. Trust your own judment because that's whats makes you grow. I don't want to sound negative but when all else fails, you are all you have to fall back on. Your own spirt will see you through this, you just have to trust yourself. If you feel in your gutt that if you hang in there then he will come back, then hang in there because it will make your relationship stonger. But if you think he has changed his mind then let him go. Just make sure that whatever you do, it's because you know in your heart that it's right. No one can tell you more about your relationship than you can tell yourself.
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